[Coffee]

As a teenager--basically from puberty on--I strongly believed I was the typical trans "female in a male body." Now, 15, 20 years later (ugh, has it really been that long?) I think I'm comfortably in between. More female than male (probably)--hence the reason I'm doing what I'm doing--but none the less, I've gone many long stretches where I was comfortable with the idea that I'd never feminize (and full transition never felt in the cards due to cost). That acceptance strikes me as atypical of most who choose to go down the hormone path.

At the same time, feminizing feels like a direction that is very true to who I am. If transition--or even "passing" (I dislike the idea of "passing" as a goal, hence the scare quotes), or presenting as female--is unlikely, I still want to do what I can to represent myself.

But--and this is the reason I'm posting in this thread--I'd be lying if I didn't say there wasn't a strong fetishistic aspect to the process. Especially as a teenager I idolized the process, the desire for embodying the female sexuality, that it became a driving aspect to my sexual interests. Doubtlessly helping was my more generalized fetish of change--something that came to the fore when I dived into hypnosis files. Change. I was drawn to hypnosis on a variety of topics that promised extreme, permanent changes to how I thought, felt, acted, reacted.

So now that I'm on the "supplement" path of feminizing (PM for last year and a half, currently BO) it's a result of all three things dovetailing together. That belief that I am, to whatever degree, more female than male; the fetishistic perks to the hormonal impact on my body and mind; and that always intoxicating desire for change.