[oki]

It was more than a year after I'd started NBE. I just looked soberly at my situation: I'm a guy, yet I'm feeding myself female hormones, I've got breasts for life, I'm paying real money for foolish things like destruction of facial hair. And I love it most of the time - not euphorically, but with sort of deep calm contentment. Even if I don't like all of it all the time, I haven't even once considered stopping for good. I've got no strong family, professional, social ties that would try hard to make me stop. It was obvious I'm very slowly heading towards transition and I should take this "game" more responsibly. I took a phone and made an appointment with sexologist, a first step towards HRT. For me that was the first point of no return.

Second moment, much more emotional, was when I saw myself with feminine haircut. The difference was enormous, a different person in the mirror. I realised I can do it and therefore I must do it, no matter what the cost would be. It was no longer a game, my own life seemed at stakes.

The third moment was when I took it to the public and started openly present as a MtF transgender. 

But. At the moment I've been in a male mode for almost a month. It feels quite okay, safe and comfortable. Dysphoria is mild. Don't quite know what to make of it. But I'm pretty sure if it was to stay this way, it would have turned out to be a pointless life, just distracting myself while waiting for the final hour of devastating regret. No way back man!