[jannet.duff]

Do I want to be a Woman ?
 
Oh gosh this has opened a can of worms,
 
I thought the low dose HRT was having an effect , ie more thoughts of accepting and facing transition, but now after a therapy session on Monday where we first started at being possible Bi-Gender or at least I did , we ended her with her saying good possibility I am a
TRANSWOMAN in denial,
Think a little early to tell and we will do more sessions,
I asked her the question should I be on low dose HRT, and she said yes absolutely.
I think this validation is more PANDORA BOX than the HRT I am on,
Had a chat with beautiful wife next night and transition was mentioned, we came to the conclusion that the only real stop factor was work, she and kids would be ok.
For years being the forums longest hopper, ie on and off pm/e, ie others were and are more committed to growth, I was convinced I was Bi gender or twin spirit, now I am questioning,
Could I be a TS in full denial, not convinced though, but most certainly transition on the cards hopefully in a few years, I suppose it all depends on whether the noise in my head dissipates or breaks me.
I feel truly split, ie this week I have been giddy and all euphoric at the possibility of transition and yet today feel quite neutral and again ask the question to myself and it’s a well not really seems like a lot of work and hassle, ie back to twin spirit mode.
Even when the therapist asked me if I could wake up tomorrow and just be female no hassle would I ?
And I still could not answer from depth, then 2 days later , ooh yes please ?
Is this denial ?
Or is it the twin spirit balance being more brought to the middle ie by HRT, breast growth, now therapy.
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Julies musings continue
LOL
Julie

Ah... Now then. This is a thing I keep questioning myself. I stopped seeing my therapist for this reason, she kept telling me I am transgender and sooner or later its going to happen. Thats not what I wanted to hear. I am constantly fighting the noise in my head, somedays I think full steam ahead, others its put on the brakes. 
When I am out ( dressed male ) and I get called "sir" I hate it. But if Jannet is out and I get called "mam" I love it.
I see normal guys walking around and I think " why can I not just be happy and normal, just like a normal guy, just like people expect me to be. Why do I have this inner feeling of self that is completely different to my outer shell.
For me, this inner torment is going to wreck my marrage, thats another reason I stopped seeing my therapist, she felt that the fact my wife and I are still togeather indicates a strong chance we will work this out and manage through my transition. ( she obviously has neither talked to my wife, or had to hold her crying herself to sleep ).
I think we have opened the pandoras box, and that lid is a bitch to get closed again.