To see a specialist is sound advice, or even just finding someone to talk about it with.
I think I know what you feel, before taking PM after happy time would imediately remove all my female clothes thinking I won't ever need those again, but of course always did.
Only after growing a set of small boobs those feelings left and was quite happy to still feel girly after happy time. Thinking that the next progression was to let a man do those things I had been imagining, had it all figured out...I didnt!
Met somebody here who knows a vast amount about sexuality she could be a therapist. Talked a lot developing a strong bond of friendship and she helped me realise I will die a virgin, no way is a penis getting anywhere near me let alone getting inside. I had only figured out that I wanted my body to be feminine wearing female clothes.
you can imagine naughty thoughts without the desire to make it become reality
It is very confusing, probably too confusing to work it out without help.
I was lucky to get that and stop me from making the mistake of my life.
But yes, it's like fighting with yourself until you get it worked out and that's difficult to do alone