Hi Nipply, I just finished reading your thread, and I must say that there were soooo many things I could relate to, but what resonated the most with me was the conflict, the self doubt, the "why can't I just be a regular guy that likes women. I have it all, a good career, a great partner and a child, why can't I just be happy like this?".
One of the issues I've struggled most with is the fact that I do not hate my body. I don't like it much, but I don't hate it. I just feel a female body would suit me better, much, much better 
. Of course all this being mixed with porn and sexuality makes the disphoria an easy target for blanket statements such as "it's just a kink".
I believe that the fear we feel about transitioning, and the repercussions it would bring, is what keeps us clinging to anything that might "disprove" we are trans. Hence, "it's just a kink" or "I'm just exploring" becomes an easy cop out from the dilema.
The thing is, as rational human beings, we hate being in doubt, we like certainty, order, it makes us feel safe, assured in ourselves thinking we know who we are, what we want, and where we're going. But if these pages are any proof, nothing could be further from the truth; and this brings us more pain because we end up thinking " what is wrong with me, I'm XX old, I should have figured out what I want by now".
All in all, I'm still confused and scared, and somewhat I feel I want external validation that what I want is fine, that becoming a woman is fine, and that all the emotional pain and suffering I would have to go through If I started transitioning will be worth it. But after reading your thread, and how your mind changed from 2018 to today, I'm more and more convinced the validation, the answer, can only come from whithin.