As you said the "what i'm doing to myself" thought mixed with the deep radicated necessity to please/have my family support are the main reasons I purged my two precedent PM order (first was 6 yrs ago). The "problem" is that I keep thinking about wanting to grow breasts and having a more feminine body, sometimes I feel like i'm missing body parts - probably dont make any sense - and go back to search on how to do it, and envy those brave enought! I'm afraid I'm ignoring my necessity. Part of my doubt are due to the fact that the tought of getting a more feminine body is a big turn-on for me.
I'm kinda tired of this inner turmoil, I know I need to talk about it - probably i need professional help - but I think at least talking with someone who experience similar feeling may help