[Drew]

As you said  the "what i'm doing to myself" thought mixed with the deep radicated necessity to please/have my family support are the main reasons I purged my two precedent PM order (first was 6 yrs ago). The "problem" is that I keep thinking about wanting to grow breasts and having a more feminine body, sometimes I feel like i'm missing body parts - probably dont make any sense - and go back  to search on how to do it, and envy those brave enought! I'm afraid I'm ignoring my necessity. Part of my doubt are due to the fact that the tought of getting a more feminine body is a big turn-on for me.

I'm kinda tired of this inner turmoil, I know I need to talk about it - probably i need professional help - but I think at least talking with someone who experience similar feeling may help

of course it makes sense and you DON'T need profesional help you just need your own help.
We do this for a number of reasons,  not going into that now but if I put on a bra and look at myself filling it do you think I feel nothing? Of course I'm hugely turned on, I look at my own body and am massively turned on and really want her.....a lot! But can't because it's me but she is...well curvy, honest and absolutely faithful passoinate and vunlerable unlike the other bitches I met or dated. This is nothing to be ashamed of or think it's just wrong, you can sculpture your body into being the person you adore and there is no shame in that. Whenever I hear the whine 'I was born in the wrong body' I just want to slap those people because we weren't but we do have the possibility to correct our body to the way we feel it should be and if those changes turn us on then we know we are doing it right. I'm constantly hugely turned on by my own body that may sound like narcissus but that's just how it works.  You can look at yourself and think okay that's workable or look at yourself and think WOW that is a really hot body.  Others opinions may seem important but it's quite astonishing how acceptable people are.