[Jts13892]

I don’t know why but I’m having a panic attack tonight about my BO use. This isn’t the first time it’s happened but this is the longest I’ve been on BO and they come on. I’m looking at all the obvious changes BO has made to my body in such a short period and for some reason tonight it’s given me major regret. Now I’m afraid if I go off of BO my body won’t revert back to how it was before. I also keep telling myself instead of a woman BO is going to make me look like a freak. Instead of being a decent looking guy I’m going to look like an ogre or something. I’m only romantic and sexually interested in women and I keep thinking no woman is going to want me if I continue. All my desires to be female have vanished as well. Even though I’ve been dressing up in women’s clothing since I was 4. Idk why my brain does this every so often. I’m sitting here crying and I feel awful. I don’t know why I can’t commit to being one way or the other. I know if I quit BO and throw it out like I have before, it maybe a couple weeks or a couple of months but I’ll regret and restart the whole cycle over. I’m 30 and I told myself since I’m no longer really young but not yet old this was the year I completely transition or put the idea away for good, and move on from it. I hate that I put myself through this. It’s such a horrible feeling. I’m not suicidal but it’s nights like this I wish my life would just be over. I may try to ride the wave out this time, but I don’t know we’ll see what happens.