Seeing as this is a journal of my progress while transitioning on BO it's important that I detail everything - including the more unpleasant aspects, in fact, especially the more unpleasant aspects.
So far, the journey has been pretty nice, lots of euphoria, lots of new things (shopping!) much more support and love from my family than I had ever dreamed possible.
When things are like that, you start to think that there's light at the end of the tunnel and that things might just work out ok after all, you use these experiences and feelings to put on like a suit of armour. And you feel generally good with the world and yourself.
So, when dysphoria hits hard, it's doubly devastating as your suit of armour is torn asunder like a house of cards.
Trans people will most likely be all too familiar with these feelings and it's really hard to let go of them and think kinder things about yourself. I'm generally a fairly upbeat happy-go-lucky personality type, but I do bruise easily and can dwell on dark thoughts when dysphoria hits hard.
The elephant in the room for me (for now) is the fact that I'm 58 years old, so there's been a LOT of time for Testosterone to work on me, and whilst in some respects I'm lucky in that I'm modestly proportioned and don't look like a heavyweight boxer or rugby player I do have some BIG (to me) issues that make me feel passing is an impossibility.
Unfortunately, I weas cursed with male hair loss and have been mostly bald since my mid 30's so I'm resigned to having to wear a wig. I get this, and I understand it albeit I'm unhappy about it. Work with what you've got right?
Ok so far, I have only tried on a couple of cheapy wigs from the likes of Shein, really to get an idea of what shape/length/colour/ style might work. The thing is when you look in the mirror and you just look like obviously a man wearing a bad wig it's soul crushing and really upsetting.
The silly thing is that I know I'm only 5 weeks into taking BO and there's only been minimal changes, even if I'd been on Estrogen, at this point the changes wouldn't be any more. Dysphoria though isn't rational and I find the cruellest hardest meanest thing to a trans person is likely themselves.
So, yea, I'm feeling pretty miserable and despairing right now and I know I'm silly for feeling it, it’s really difficult to pull yourself back out of the hole once you fall in it. My wife has been so very supportive which is lovely, but I just wanted to put something down on paper to reflect this particular moment in time on the journey.
I see there's a reasonable number of views on my thread, but very few replies so I wonder if perhaps my writing style might be putting people off or something.
So far, the journey has been pretty nice, lots of euphoria, lots of new things (shopping!) much more support and love from my family than I had ever dreamed possible.
When things are like that, you start to think that there's light at the end of the tunnel and that things might just work out ok after all, you use these experiences and feelings to put on like a suit of armour. And you feel generally good with the world and yourself.
So, when dysphoria hits hard, it's doubly devastating as your suit of armour is torn asunder like a house of cards.
Trans people will most likely be all too familiar with these feelings and it's really hard to let go of them and think kinder things about yourself. I'm generally a fairly upbeat happy-go-lucky personality type, but I do bruise easily and can dwell on dark thoughts when dysphoria hits hard.
The elephant in the room for me (for now) is the fact that I'm 58 years old, so there's been a LOT of time for Testosterone to work on me, and whilst in some respects I'm lucky in that I'm modestly proportioned and don't look like a heavyweight boxer or rugby player I do have some BIG (to me) issues that make me feel passing is an impossibility.
Unfortunately, I weas cursed with male hair loss and have been mostly bald since my mid 30's so I'm resigned to having to wear a wig. I get this, and I understand it albeit I'm unhappy about it. Work with what you've got right?
Ok so far, I have only tried on a couple of cheapy wigs from the likes of Shein, really to get an idea of what shape/length/colour/ style might work. The thing is when you look in the mirror and you just look like obviously a man wearing a bad wig it's soul crushing and really upsetting.
The silly thing is that I know I'm only 5 weeks into taking BO and there's only been minimal changes, even if I'd been on Estrogen, at this point the changes wouldn't be any more. Dysphoria though isn't rational and I find the cruellest hardest meanest thing to a trans person is likely themselves.
So, yea, I'm feeling pretty miserable and despairing right now and I know I'm silly for feeling it, it’s really difficult to pull yourself back out of the hole once you fall in it. My wife has been so very supportive which is lovely, but I just wanted to put something down on paper to reflect this particular moment in time on the journey.
I see there's a reasonable number of views on my thread, but very few replies so I wonder if perhaps my writing style might be putting people off or something.