[CM213]

CM,

Many years ago, around 1980, I was deep in ambivalence between being a muscle man and a sexy woman.
That was when Rachel McLish won Miss Olympia. Remember Bev Fancis, OMG, massive. It made me think... why not be a muscular woman? 
What a great compromise. I never achieved that goal exactly but it was a way to move forward. I could at least, continue to work out.

I did not know anything about NBE at the time. Cross dressing was my only path to femininity. 
I had a CD friend, who had a CD friend, who was a bodybuilder. I asked my friend how he handled this situation.
He said that guy just kept working out and getting bigger... and just bought bigger clothes! That did not sound ideal to me but it seemed my only option.

I got obsessed and messed it up by going too big. I increased my chest size from 37" to 44". I should not have done any rib cage expansion exercises.
37" would have been a real decent band size for a bra, 44" is not. I was not thinking ahead and just wanted to pack on muscle.
I was also using only anabolic supplements. 

If I were starting over today, I would do the NBE, combined with natural workouts. I think things would work out much better.
I know that you are already big. My best advice would be to quit all T and other anabolics, and start your NBE.
I would advise against BO, since you are still "on the fence" and use either PM or FG, which are easier to control.

Maybe you should consider CrossFit style workouts? You can tell any curious friends that you have decided to work out for health rather than size & strength. 
When they see you lose size, it will make sense to them.

Karen 

All those classic bodybuilders brings back memories. Not that I am old enough to have seen them in their prime, they were the ones that inspired me into fitness and bodybuilding. Frank Zane, bev, Lee priest, Lee Haney, obviously Arnold and his crew all were my inspiration. Then came along the mass monster era of Dorian Yates and Ronnie Coleman which still has its affects even today. I got sucked into that needed and wanting to become as massive as I could and my body would allow. Which had been an adventure and has its ups and downs and I definitely don't regret what I have accomplished with my male body. 

Like I said previously I find myself becoming more envious of the fit women in the gym and even my wife. Wishing I were them without changing anything else in my life. But I seem to faced with being who I am known as. Being the man everyone knows me for, or trying to explore this other side of me. I can't have both. I can't balance both. I go towards one , I take steps away from the other. I explore my feminine side I take steps away from my wife and marriage since I know how she feels for the most part about this side of me and everything that could happen if I were to transition. It is about me and my life but it also is about her and her life my choice and actions can have some serious consequences for her. 

Anyways I'm just stuck feeling saddened and depressed wanting to be like my wife and these women, and feeling like I have to choose my male side since I will cause many negative things to happen not just for myself but for my family depending on how far I need to transition (if I ever do). 

Again I don't want to take this thread away from you. since the summer is coming and it's already hot here in az I figure I will.wait ill the end of summer or beginning of fall to do or start anything. I may even get back on test, and a few other things to have potentially one last summer with the body I built for my male side of myself.  Who knows.

Please continue to share your experiences as they progress. It will certainly help me decide what I will use in the future come fall.