[CM213]

I feel everything you have said. It all resonates with me. I know she is not at all bi or bi curious. But she feels betrayed, not enough, and that I have been lying to her all this time. Like she was not given the choice up front when our relationship began and now that we're married finding all this out, things may have been different, maybe we would have never dated or got married. That is a choice I did not let her have and I own that. It is on me for never sharing this side of myself with anyone. Probably why all my relationships have failed. 

I dont know why but I feel if I chose my wife and marriage then I'm walking away from this side of myself. I feel the only way I could ever go down this road is if I was single and had no interest in relationships. Keeping this part of myself a secret is how I got myself here. But I can't help feel that I can't move forward being open about it with how I know how she feels if I were to transition. Or even explore that side of myself more than I already have. 

Thank you for all the kind words. I have always been obsessed with fitness and making muscle. Changing my body physically by lifting weights and fitness. Now all I can think about is how I can change my body to become a woman, unfortunately for me once I get obsessed and have this vision or idea of myself in my head it says there till I see it through to as far as it can go. And I feel I have gone as far as I can with my male body. Falling short of all my bodybuilding dreams. Yea I'm in shape and have a good physique over the average guy in the gym, but that's all I will ever be, definitely not a pro in body building. That ship has sailed. 

I'm not sure why I cant be myself and open about all aspects of me with my wife. She has proven to be pretty remarkable and understanding with everything and all the time we've spent together. Ups and downs. I love her so much and I know where she stands. Even if she accepts it bc she loves me, it will eat her up inside. I can't do that to her. And I am not one to rock the boat and cause friction. Unfortunately I have always chosen to suffer in silence than to cause anyone else pain or hurt. Which is probably what I will end up doing with this as well. Just existing not living. My only hope is that from steroid use will cause an early death from a heart attack vs a suicide due to a life time of depression. And maybe in my next life I will be born the woman I am ment to be, in the body I'm ment to have. 

I am def over all these tower moments the universe keeps sending my way. Not sure how much more I or my wife can deal with right now.