Mandy, this is not at all an unusual situation and while not exactly the same is somewhat similar to my own.
Hopefully my experience might give you some insight or perspective..
For a long time (about 6 years) I thought I was "just a crossdresser", even though I did it a lot of the time for autoerotic reasons, the dressing itself was never erotic in itself. As much as I tried to control my thoughts, I couldn't help but perceive myself as a female in my fantasies, not a man in a dress, but a female in every way.
Overtime I realised that I wanted to be a female in more than just that sexual role. I am naturally submissive and never been interested in masculine pursuits. I've always kept people at arms length, never comfortable, never developing real connections, always doubting my actions in any social circumstances. I've always been a loner and never felt genuine. The only times I feel "myself" was when I crossdressed and presented as female online, I wanted to emotionally connect with people and I wanted to people to accept me as female. It was more than just a simple desire, it became an irresistible urge and gender dysphoria.
I'm not one of those that "always knew" either, and this has distressed me greatly, I wish I had some kind of "sign" to validate my gender identity. I was very depressed and suffered extreme social anxiety throughout my teenage years, which all started right after puberty ironically. I was always bi sexual, I got really attached to some guys and was always envious of the attention and relationships that of females I knew (I ruined a few friendships this way). But through the lense of severe depression and paranoia induced by anxiety, it never really clicked.
Due to these problems and my crossdressing, I ruined 3 relationships with women and 1 of them long-term. Eventually I started to be honest about my crossdressing and gender issues, that turned out very bad and she was revolted, it ended shortly after that.
And here I am, my first step was to start taking PM and SP, I wasn't sure if I wanted to ever go full-time or come out to everyone, the further I get into my transition the more I want to go all the way. It feels like I'm holding back for everyone else and not for me. So long story short, several psychologist and psychiatrist appointments and now I'm about to start HRT.
Late onset transsexuals are not that uncommon, we are atleast a third, I'm not saying thats what you are, I'm just saying it's not essential to "know" from a young age. I've done COGIATI and others (most professionals think they are crap) and all said I was mostly trans, but the only real way to get a Gender Identity Assessment is to see a psychiatrist. So my advice is to consult with a professional, get a GID assessment and discuss your gender issues with a therapist.
And most of all, be honest with yourself and take your time!
I hope you find peace,
Good luck!
Hopefully my experience might give you some insight or perspective..
For a long time (about 6 years) I thought I was "just a crossdresser", even though I did it a lot of the time for autoerotic reasons, the dressing itself was never erotic in itself. As much as I tried to control my thoughts, I couldn't help but perceive myself as a female in my fantasies, not a man in a dress, but a female in every way.
Overtime I realised that I wanted to be a female in more than just that sexual role. I am naturally submissive and never been interested in masculine pursuits. I've always kept people at arms length, never comfortable, never developing real connections, always doubting my actions in any social circumstances. I've always been a loner and never felt genuine. The only times I feel "myself" was when I crossdressed and presented as female online, I wanted to emotionally connect with people and I wanted to people to accept me as female. It was more than just a simple desire, it became an irresistible urge and gender dysphoria.
I'm not one of those that "always knew" either, and this has distressed me greatly, I wish I had some kind of "sign" to validate my gender identity. I was very depressed and suffered extreme social anxiety throughout my teenage years, which all started right after puberty ironically. I was always bi sexual, I got really attached to some guys and was always envious of the attention and relationships that of females I knew (I ruined a few friendships this way). But through the lense of severe depression and paranoia induced by anxiety, it never really clicked.
Due to these problems and my crossdressing, I ruined 3 relationships with women and 1 of them long-term. Eventually I started to be honest about my crossdressing and gender issues, that turned out very bad and she was revolted, it ended shortly after that.
And here I am, my first step was to start taking PM and SP, I wasn't sure if I wanted to ever go full-time or come out to everyone, the further I get into my transition the more I want to go all the way. It feels like I'm holding back for everyone else and not for me. So long story short, several psychologist and psychiatrist appointments and now I'm about to start HRT.
Late onset transsexuals are not that uncommon, we are atleast a third, I'm not saying thats what you are, I'm just saying it's not essential to "know" from a young age. I've done COGIATI and others (most professionals think they are crap) and all said I was mostly trans, but the only real way to get a Gender Identity Assessment is to see a psychiatrist. So my advice is to consult with a professional, get a GID assessment and discuss your gender issues with a therapist.
And most of all, be honest with yourself and take your time!
I hope you find peace,
Good luck!