First of all I want to say I feel so much better today about myself. Last night I talked for the first time in my life about this with a loved one! 
Let me preface this. I was doubting yesterday, still felt OK. I haven't dared to use any drug in a while in case I might freak out, but yesterday I felt a need for just a tiny bit of weed in my bong (don't judge me). I was laying down listening to music when it turned really bad. My mind was spinning out of control. My soul was clutching. I got dizzy. My ears where ringing and I thought I was about to faint. The very fabric of reality came closing in on me. Some people might know the feeling. It kept spinning worse and worse. I don't recommend anyone using any drug, btw!
Then I had an epiphany. I could keep running away from myself and suffer, or embrace who I am and prosper. It had to with being myself, being honest. The conclusion I came to was that whatever comes from being Myself can only be good. I felt like passing through the eye of a needle. The experience turned to be if not the biggest, deepest spiritual moment I have ever experienced. My soul was relaxing for the first time in years. I suddenly viewed my life in a positive way. I picked up the phone because I just knew it was the right time to talk about it.
I didn't 'come out' about being TG for that I'm not 100% sure of still, and therefor not comfortable coming out about yet. However I said I was having gender issues and I got a good response. Afterwards it didn't feel like such a big thing but it dawned on me more during the night. It was such a relief and felt so so good! Just to be able to talk with someone who loves me. I am now feeling more certain then ever, although I would like to think more about it. I can look myself in the mirror now and see a clearer reflection of Me looking back. Anyway I feel great
Reading your reply, Aleah, I appreciate it very much! It really 'clicks' with my what you are saying. It really is a journey of self exploration. The answer must come from within.
I don't want to be part of any group, community or gender. I don't want to be 'a girl' just for the hell of it, I want to be Me. That is my aim for now. It isn't like I would turn into another person it's just Me. The Me I have always been. Whatever labels one could slap on that I don't care. I know for certain I haven't really 'lived' in so many years. I would like to live again.
It is a pretty amazing thing to be human.
Let me preface this. I was doubting yesterday, still felt OK. I haven't dared to use any drug in a while in case I might freak out, but yesterday I felt a need for just a tiny bit of weed in my bong (don't judge me). I was laying down listening to music when it turned really bad. My mind was spinning out of control. My soul was clutching. I got dizzy. My ears where ringing and I thought I was about to faint. The very fabric of reality came closing in on me. Some people might know the feeling. It kept spinning worse and worse. I don't recommend anyone using any drug, btw!
Then I had an epiphany. I could keep running away from myself and suffer, or embrace who I am and prosper. It had to with being myself, being honest. The conclusion I came to was that whatever comes from being Myself can only be good. I felt like passing through the eye of a needle. The experience turned to be if not the biggest, deepest spiritual moment I have ever experienced. My soul was relaxing for the first time in years. I suddenly viewed my life in a positive way. I picked up the phone because I just knew it was the right time to talk about it.
I didn't 'come out' about being TG for that I'm not 100% sure of still, and therefor not comfortable coming out about yet. However I said I was having gender issues and I got a good response. Afterwards it didn't feel like such a big thing but it dawned on me more during the night. It was such a relief and felt so so good! Just to be able to talk with someone who loves me. I am now feeling more certain then ever, although I would like to think more about it. I can look myself in the mirror now and see a clearer reflection of Me looking back. Anyway I feel great
Reading your reply, Aleah, I appreciate it very much! It really 'clicks' with my what you are saying. It really is a journey of self exploration. The answer must come from within.
I don't want to be part of any group, community or gender. I don't want to be 'a girl' just for the hell of it, I want to be Me. That is my aim for now. It isn't like I would turn into another person it's just Me. The Me I have always been. Whatever labels one could slap on that I don't care. I know for certain I haven't really 'lived' in so many years. I would like to live again.
It is a pretty amazing thing to be human.