[Mandy88]

I don't know if I've already mentioned this or not... But I honestly think you should seek professional help Mandy. I would if I could, and will eventually have to do so anyways just to move on to the next steps.

Even if "the next steps" that make professional help essential for me are not necessary for you, you seem to be fighting a lot more uncertainty and doubt, perhaps fed by fears you don't even know you have. Having someone who's experienced in helping people with gender confusion, which is what you have at this point, I wouldn't yet quite say for sure that you have a real dysphoria, help talk you through things might help you tremendously.

Thank you. I think so too, I am even looking forward to it! I will try to get some kind if first appointment this week.

Another option you might consider if you are as strapped financially as I am is to try a mild opiate such as chaste berry for a while (note, chaste berry will quite likely also render you temporarily sterile) and go on a deep soul search. Almost a "spirit journey" as the native's of the American continent would call it. In that soul search ask yourself. Your real core you. Just who you are.

I was using a dose of 800mg three times a day and up to as much as 1600 three times a day while I was on my journey... And the answer kinda shook my world quite a bit. But it was still very worth doing. I started the search asking why I was depressed all the time, the question eventually morphed to who am I, and the answer I got at the end... Well. Yeah. I'm here now.

Hey whatever floats your boat, I understand. I feel happy for you having reached a higher understanding. I however do not care for opiates at all, I like psychedelics, since I think they speak to me personally in the most honest way. I had an experience I wrote about in the previous page of this thread I think. It left me feeling very good about myself and it was the first time i have ever flipped a bad trip using only my mind. Acceptance seems to be the key for me. I will experiment further.
/Mandy