[Charrie]

In my first post, I said I would write an introduction at a later time. Now is that time.

I am a late 50s self-diagnosed transsexual, MTF. My earliest childhood memory (early age 5) was the very disheartening realization that I was not and couldn't be a girl. I remember the feeling distinctly even now.

Ignorance and fear of rejection should I disclose my deep longings motivated me to make the choice of keeping this "me" deeply repressed. Not really understanding what I was dealing with, I married young, raised a family of four, and now am a grandfather of ten. A month ago my wife divorced me (38yrs of marriage) claiming that the very idea that I was in doubt of my gender so repulsed her that she could no longer live with me.

In all of those years I fought hard to keep this part of me under the radar. I kept it repressed "admirably". Until the last 5 years my wife didn't really understand how deeply this ate away at me on the inside. However now she claims she understands why through the years at times throughout our marriage I could be so moody, withdrawn, sad, dark etc. I rarely rarely crossed dressed.

I am also a Christian from a very deeply fundamental for all practical purposed cultic background, where admitting to something like this was tantamount to being apostate.

Living alone as I do now should give me plenty of time to explore my feminine side, but I don't; fearful that should I start down that "slippery slope" I would transition. For the sake of my family (kids and grand kids) and others in my church, I have decided not to go there, though remove those restraints and I would transition in a moment's time. I have talked to numerous fully transitioned MTF women, one being a medical doctor who works with those transitioning. I have been told there is no doubt in their minds that I am female brained. Honestly, I have to agree.

I am not sure how I came to find this site, but I am here and have been reading myriads of excellent material and insight. So much I would like to ask about but this post would then become book.

May I start with this which was generated out of a thread I read where a number of members wrote that once they started on PM that their trans feelings all but ceased. I would glaldly take the side effects of a feminized body to be free of the inner turmoil. Another thread I read urged careful consideration about motives for starting NBE since breast will happen.

OK my question, is starting NBE as a means of quieting a life long inner turmoil of longings to be female a viable reason for starting a program? And I don't quite understand how it works since at this moment having breasts and a feminized body has tremendous appeal, but if what I do understand is correct that appeal might be gone once the NBE did it's hormone balancing in my brain. Can NBE be an actual answer for one who deeply desires to keep so many I love from the "collateral damage" of my full transition and yet provide some respite from the life long inner struggle?

If yes, can this be achieved with a RC/FG/SP regimen rather than a PM program?

Thank you for any insight and help it will provide.