[Marina Kits]

...After all, if I am going all the way, I need to start taking it more seriously...

I've learned that I have two "thought centers" within me. My head and my heart. It's not too hard to hear from my head but my heart is a little harder to know and hear. You are DOING one thing and THINKING another. Perhaps your heart is fine with what you are doing (being sporadic and not pursuing NBE too hard) while your head is telling you you should take it "more seriously". I think in most cases, we all DO exactly what we want to do even though we THINK we should be doing something else. It's easier said than done but peace is found when your head and heart are in unison. If I were you, I'd be questioning my head and trying hard to hear my heart.

I started to melt down when my schoolwork got out of control the same time my real job picked up.. And on top of that I never figured out what I want from my body! So I started seeing my old therapist again...

So when I brought it up to him (teary eyes and all), he told me to take some time and explore why I feel the need to dress this way and take PM.. I didn't have a good answer because I never let myself really think about it!

I found MY answer in my heart. When I try to explain it in words, it SOUNDS like an intellectual answer but it's not. It's just something my heart needs to be happy. It's making the outside consistent with the inside. I know who I am and who I belong to. I'm accepted as I am by the ONE (look up) who matters most with all my anomalies. ...Hang in there and be encouraged. I've been there myself and I can feel what you're going through.

I'm sorry for the novel, I just need to tell someone! Also, I'd love to hear what you guys and gals have done in terms of explaining yourselves to anyone, be it family or therapists, or others in your life.

Don't be sorry. I'm glad you shared and I hope we are helpful if only by our empathy. As for explaining myself, I don't ...but then, I don't really feel a need to do that anymore. I don't need or want justification from others anymore. I'm letting myself be who I really am and embracing the uniqueness that I posses. I have a lot of feminine qualities, strangely wrapped up in a male body but that's who I am and there's not much I can do about it. I'm going to have long, well kept hair soon because that's what a girl wants ...but some guys do too. I prefer trim fitting stretch denim jeans (usually found in women's departments) ...but guys wear jeans too ...and sometimes tighter ...and sometimes with a little style in the stitching. I'd love to wear a nice shirt from an gender neutral rack (if I could find some) and it might even have pink in it ...because I like that! Others will just have to come to terms with it. I don't seek to be outlandish or, "in-your-face" about it, I'm just being myself and being comfortable with it. It's a nice place to be and I hope everyone can find there way to the same place.

I am definitely going to end up talking to a group locally. I live in a pretty great area for tolerance and acceptance! (NYC Area)

I think that's a good idea. I'm looking for a local group myself but be careful too. You're adding another source of influence or "voice" and it could muddy the waters even more. I sincerely hope you find the peace and acceptance you're looking for.

Blessings