12-12-2013, 03:08 AM
I've been intending to post in this thread, but things have been a bit fraught at home for various off-topic reasons.
I am presently most inclined to attribute my gender issues to the fact that my mother contracted rubella during the specific phase of my fetal development in which the brain of a male is supposed to be masculinized, and that this process was thus incomplete. That said, I tend to relate fairly fully to what has been said by PattiJT, Sfem and PansyMae, all of whose contributions I much respect, except that I have never in the past had a strong cross-dressing urge. My only experiments in that direction merely convinced me that with my size, build and voice I could never achieve even superficial femininity. Perversely, to the extent that I have now experienced some limited femininization of my body, I begin to wonder whether it might do something to help my aim at least to feel like a woman; physically that is, not superficial femininity.
Having totally and apparently irrevocably lost my male function, I fully agree with the importance of cuddling and other non-sexual intimacies, although since our lovemaking has always had important elements not dependent on male function we both still feel the occasional need for something more overtly sexual.
While I have never thought of myself as any thing but male, and certainly would not have considered myself an androgyne, I tend to wonder whether I might have felt differently if I had believed I could look as gorgeous as Sarah or Abi Drew, and if it were possible to achieve a full transition with reproductive capability and I was 50 years younger and without an overwhelmingly important relationship with my wife. I envy them their certainty as to what they are, even if they have a horrendously difficult road to follow.
With a brain giving me a disposition to look to receive sexual advances rather than initiate them, and finding that gay men were more likely to hook up with you than straight women, and that such men often wanted you to play a some what female role, I did things for which I suffered a lot of guilt one way or another. Trying to avoid TMI, I always ran fast from any man who showed any sign of showing an emotional attachment. Eventually I convinced myself that I must get out of that dangerous world (as providence would have it before the start of the AIDS epidemic). Thereafter, someone who had become and remained a very good female friend of mine, who was female and also my first love, and who had engineered me into a date once before but ended up marrying someone who didn't suffer my inhibitions, gave me a second chance which that time I didn't fumble. We've now been married for more than a third of a century.
I am presently most inclined to attribute my gender issues to the fact that my mother contracted rubella during the specific phase of my fetal development in which the brain of a male is supposed to be masculinized, and that this process was thus incomplete. That said, I tend to relate fairly fully to what has been said by PattiJT, Sfem and PansyMae, all of whose contributions I much respect, except that I have never in the past had a strong cross-dressing urge. My only experiments in that direction merely convinced me that with my size, build and voice I could never achieve even superficial femininity. Perversely, to the extent that I have now experienced some limited femininization of my body, I begin to wonder whether it might do something to help my aim at least to feel like a woman; physically that is, not superficial femininity.
Having totally and apparently irrevocably lost my male function, I fully agree with the importance of cuddling and other non-sexual intimacies, although since our lovemaking has always had important elements not dependent on male function we both still feel the occasional need for something more overtly sexual.
While I have never thought of myself as any thing but male, and certainly would not have considered myself an androgyne, I tend to wonder whether I might have felt differently if I had believed I could look as gorgeous as Sarah or Abi Drew, and if it were possible to achieve a full transition with reproductive capability and I was 50 years younger and without an overwhelmingly important relationship with my wife. I envy them their certainty as to what they are, even if they have a horrendously difficult road to follow.
With a brain giving me a disposition to look to receive sexual advances rather than initiate them, and finding that gay men were more likely to hook up with you than straight women, and that such men often wanted you to play a some what female role, I did things for which I suffered a lot of guilt one way or another. Trying to avoid TMI, I always ran fast from any man who showed any sign of showing an emotional attachment. Eventually I convinced myself that I must get out of that dangerous world (as providence would have it before the start of the AIDS epidemic). Thereafter, someone who had become and remained a very good female friend of mine, who was female and also my first love, and who had engineered me into a date once before but ended up marrying someone who didn't suffer my inhibitions, gave me a second chance which that time I didn't fumble. We've now been married for more than a third of a century.