19-01-2014, 10:22 PM
Your comments are aways so well written and so thoughtful, Clara. 
In reading your description of your childhood, I might have been reading my own, right down to the breast stroke swim team and the archery, and, unfortunately, the harassment.
Like you, I went through years of recrimination, while masking desires and suppressing urges, trying to conform to what I perceived as what was expected of me by society. I think many, many biological males go through this, and some of them reach a point later in life where they no longer are willing to do so. Some of those find their way to these boards.
But everyone has different abilities and tools when it comes to understanding themselves and dealing with anxiety and mental difficulties.
Years ago I had some sessions with a therapist. She was the one who first broached the idea to me of acting on some of my latent crossdressing fantasies. But she was also the one who taught me so much about self acceptance. We are all a product of many things. Some is genetic and some is conditioned. Not much we can do about the genetics, I am afraid. But when it comes to the conditioning, we do have options. The trouble is that most of us are never given the tools as we grow up to be able to work effectively on our own emotional needs. For the most part, we all learn only the skills and tools that our parents have, and they usually have only what they learned from their parents, and so on. For many of us it requires some loving assistance to learn how to come to terms with ourselves, begin to listen for the real voice inside, and offer that person in turn the love, support and forgiveness to grow and blossom in a healthy way. It ain't easy, sister!
But the toughest part is that you have to accept that once you begin that process of self discovery (and recovery) you really cannot project where it will lead you. That is the tough part. Maybe easier for me, dear friend, because as an artist I am maybe a little more used to giving over to a process I am not able to control. I am guessing that makes your experience more difficult because I would guess you are used to having control. It is a tough thing to give up. But, and I could of course be full of shit, I think the only way forward is in being brave enough to do so. Best of luck!
By the way...did you ever see a film called Performance? Late sixties film starring Mick Jagger. You might find it interesting. It deals, in a very interesting way with some of this same stuff, and also features some great music.
In reading your description of your childhood, I might have been reading my own, right down to the breast stroke swim team and the archery, and, unfortunately, the harassment.
Like you, I went through years of recrimination, while masking desires and suppressing urges, trying to conform to what I perceived as what was expected of me by society. I think many, many biological males go through this, and some of them reach a point later in life where they no longer are willing to do so. Some of those find their way to these boards.
But everyone has different abilities and tools when it comes to understanding themselves and dealing with anxiety and mental difficulties.
Years ago I had some sessions with a therapist. She was the one who first broached the idea to me of acting on some of my latent crossdressing fantasies. But she was also the one who taught me so much about self acceptance. We are all a product of many things. Some is genetic and some is conditioned. Not much we can do about the genetics, I am afraid. But when it comes to the conditioning, we do have options. The trouble is that most of us are never given the tools as we grow up to be able to work effectively on our own emotional needs. For the most part, we all learn only the skills and tools that our parents have, and they usually have only what they learned from their parents, and so on. For many of us it requires some loving assistance to learn how to come to terms with ourselves, begin to listen for the real voice inside, and offer that person in turn the love, support and forgiveness to grow and blossom in a healthy way. It ain't easy, sister!
But the toughest part is that you have to accept that once you begin that process of self discovery (and recovery) you really cannot project where it will lead you. That is the tough part. Maybe easier for me, dear friend, because as an artist I am maybe a little more used to giving over to a process I am not able to control. I am guessing that makes your experience more difficult because I would guess you are used to having control. It is a tough thing to give up. But, and I could of course be full of shit, I think the only way forward is in being brave enough to do so. Best of luck!
By the way...did you ever see a film called Performance? Late sixties film starring Mick Jagger. You might find it interesting. It deals, in a very interesting way with some of this same stuff, and also features some great music.