[Missed Miss]

Well, this is going to be quite a long post lol....

As I've stated before, my earliest memories growing up were of praying to God everynight that I'd wake up as a girl. That didn't happen, though, so I tried using other superstitions. Coins in fountains come to mind. Actually, I used to get naked and pour buckets of pennies all over myself. I guess I thought they were lucky or something. I bet they were nasty...hey, I was a kid lol.

I remember in kindergarten/1st grade I would play with the girls at recess. We would have pretend weddings and such. Eventually, however I was forced to associate with my own physical gender.

Anyways, around the age of 10-12 my friend and I stumbled upon this old black and white porn magazine by the pond. We were amazed. I was especially interested in what the women in this magazine were feeling. Somehow I managed to convince my friend to "let me be the girl' and we had sex a number of times. It became a source of shame for me for many years given the way in which I was raised. Self-loathing is a hard thing to shake, and it took way too long for me to do so.

Around this time I also started stealing tampons and douches. I followed the enclosed instructions as closely as my anatomy would allow. I recall this one family vacation, for whatever reason instead of just taking one tampon at a time, I swiped about 15 and hid em in my socks in my bag. My mom found them apparently, and send my Dad to talk to me about it. Most embarassing conversation of my life. I claiming I liked to watch them poof up in water, and I guess he wanted to believe that.

So anyways, I got older...and learned to conform to avoid ridicule. I used to have a lovely high pitched laugh, but trained myself to laugh in a lower pitch as to avoid being made fun of. That fucking laugh is still haunting me today. Eventually, I had sex with a few girls, but could never climax with them. It wasn't until much later that I found the only way I could was to envision myself as playing the female role in the encounter.

So, around 16 or so I just started staying high all the time. It was a great way to keep any transgender feelings at bay. I still cross-dressed for sexual pleasure, but at least I could forget who people saw me as outside of that. Merely an illusion I'd created to relate with them in the way that they expected me to. Argh

So, the next decade, I had some relationships that always ended in the chick cheating on me. They always said I was too girly(both in bed and in the realtionship in general). I guess once I got intimate with them I dropped too large a portion of the act I used to attract them.

Finally, I stumbled upon this site....I really can't recall how. I was like wow, I really would like to have boobs for my crossdressing sessions. So I took FG SP RC for about a month before trying PM. To my surprise, it made me actually want to live. What an eye-opener! Testosterone was what was making me so miserable all along. This happiness, however, was only temporary. After about a year or so, it became apparent to me that I would never be happy living life as a "man". Just the word in relation to me seems disgusting, tbh.

So, I started seeing a therapist, and freestyling pharma hormones
Doing laser now and going to see the endo next week.

That just about brings us to the present. I'm going to live as a woman, no matter what. People suck anyway, why should I pretend to enjoy my miscast gender role for their sake?

There are only a couple of details I've censored from this story. Enjoy, or be disgusted, I can't really blame either reaction. This is definitely my story though lol

You're drunk, aren't you?