[HelloDiDi]

Thank you. Nipples poking right through bra and top seems like a thing I wont get rid of any more. I love it, I don't mind it in the slightest. Other lovely change lately is bottom fullness, I suppose its the topical program doing that too as its making so much fullness to every direction. I love it as I think bottom full boobs are super pretty.

Curves, yea, plenty of that. I just wish I had a pretty face to go with that. I wouldn't want to have beauty painted on, its not real... Well these days no one online seems to be much real any more so maybe I should go right into faking it all too. Filter the shit out of everything and be fake beautiful and pretend... I guess its the only way with it.

[Niaja]

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You have a pretty face --a little makeup can go a long way to enhance your natural beauty without looking fake or like a hooker Ha Ha  Most cis women wear makeup without looking fake

[HelloDiDi]

I just have absolutely zero skill with it outside of doing lips. And zero energy for trying to learn something that has previously turned into a crying dysphoria nightmare.. But that was long ago. Btw, with nails, what I did was the first time for more than two years that I actually did it because even that was too dysphoria inducing at times.

I don't know shit about living as a woman because I haven't been allowed decades of practice all cis women and super mega lucky trans women have got. I don't know how I'm supposed to just learn it all somehow... I know I can't and it'll take ages no matter what. I rather be natural and look like crap than paint myself into looking like someone who fell face first into a cosmetics shop.

ALl in due time I guess. I just don't like beauty that is painted on.

EDIT:
I shoudn't have posted anything... I'm having a bad day in a string of bad days. I've been feeling very down for over a week now. I don't know really why, just depressed.

[Niaja]

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Sorry you are having a a few bad days. Rather than do the makeup yourself can your GF show you how to do it you may find the results are amazing and it just might give your selfconfidence the boost it needs (just a thought) .  There is nothing fake about you-- you have real boobs real curves

[HelloDiDi]

Yea, my body is super nice neck down excluding yet un fixed genitals... And its going to get better. But what will save my face, I feel that I'm just not feminine and pretty enough and I don't want it to be just painted on. I've been told I'm beautiful, when ever people don't know about my background, but still its confusing because others say I'm some mediocre "nice" or someting. I feel that I'm ugly, I often see the same old face even though I know I have changed a lot for better... But somehow the attractive guy I was became some goddamn mediocre woman, I don't understand what does it other than it being my face? I have such body shape that most cis women don't have and I'm tall, not crazy tall but like a model tall. I know I'm quite a sight to behold in right clothing, but that's neck down.

My face isn't all that awesome. I wish I had +25000€ to fix it, but I never will. Some minor stuff I can get though, like filling the crazy canyons on my forehead. I could get lip filler, but I don't think I need it because my lips are pretty as can be along with my nose. Those I think are my redeeming qualities, the details that are not wrong. I think something about my eyes and jawline is what fucks things up. My eyes look so stupidly small as I have heavy eyelids. I heard once this kind of eyelids would be considered pretty in Japan. Yay, helps me so much as I'm on the other side of the fucking planet.

It feels like that the stress and depression of late has dried my boobs... At least I got the spare parts for the cups yesterday and I'm going full on in with pumping again. My plan is to really push the hours now, when ever I have time, I will have the pump going. I'm at the highest doses on the herbs I've been so far and I know its working, I want to take all advantage of this and pump a LOT. I have already pushed in over ninety hours during the first half of 28th month and that's a lot, I might be pushing near two hundred hours by the end of this month, its almost like full days at work seven days a week, like no joking with this amount of effort. At least its making miracles on my nipples, they're becoming so big I never even dreamed of this.

Speaking of which, if they're even a tiny bit stimulated or cold, they poke right through bras and tops and everything. I snapped a bra pic, by now I know the folding of the outer cup is a feature of these bras, kinda peculiar how its becoming really tight and full and yet the outer part folds... Everything is giving and elastic so no wonder I guess, and see what my nipples do. Right through it all. I predicted this bra having a nice mileage ahead, but its getting right quicker than I anticipated. Still more space to grow into as I can adjust it a bit more, straps are about 1/3 thigthened. Band second loosest setting, interestingly, bands on these bras tend to stretch out a lot in use, but I'm feeling already that soon I need the loosest setting no matter what. Usually I've gone a full circle from loosest to tightest and back once I start to outgrow them.

   

Then I took other pictures, I think by proportion there's s big difference to just a while back, I've taken these "same" picture many times before and it keeps on changing. My boobs are becoming so wide they're covering my arms in frontal pics. No complains, more is more.

       

[Niaja]

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Your nipples sure do project through that bra which looks great. I guess they will be doing that a lot now since winter is coming and it gets cold in Finland Ha Ha   Stress can have a negative effect on lactation hope you can back your lactation levels

[HelloDiDi]

I don't presume anyone would have any real answer or any good advice for me. There's just something that's  bothering me a lot. I suffer from body dysmorphia, very obviously, there's no denying it. I don't see myself correctly at all and it keeps changing all the time how I perceive myself. I can't tell how I truly look like, I get conflicting feedback which confuses me even more and I default into thinking that I'm at best average or downright ugly. Its easier because I'm accustomed to being a failure and endless disappointment, although in previous life before transition I was considered quite attractive and I knew it.

Could it be that I'm just not photogenic? Or is it my lack of effort because I'm not so much into painted on beauty? I rather just be natural anyway... I couldn't do makeup all the time even if I wanted to and even if I had the skill to do it, my skin is simply too sensitive and can't handle it all the time anyway.

Why am I perceived much prettier and attractive in real life than online? Why is that? Why do men endlessly check me out when I'm out and about? And some typically older women obviously frown upon me.... Do they only see boobs and hips? What does it? Why I do get treated so much better irl, while online I keep on being told that I'm average, mediocre, "nice", "cute" and all these other stupid things that are told to not so fancy looking women? Or I get complimented for tiny details here and and there, but almost never actually get called beautiful? No one ever gives me superlative praise for being pretty, I never get called "stunning" or "gorgeous" or beautiful by anyone except those who are close to me and see me through their rose tinted love glasses... Of course I'm pretty for them because they love me. But other people never give me actual real deal praise, only the backhanded fake compliments out of pity or something about some minor detail. Why then, do I get much more positive reactions in real life? Why is this? I don't understand.

All this stupid shit bothers me so much because people are incredibly shallow. Womans value is seemingly measured in three things above all else, looks, can she give birth and can she take care of others... I can barely take care of myself, I feel ugly af and can't give birth obviously. So what's my value then? Fucking zero. A cumrag, mattress, fetish toy. If I would degrade myself into that which I'm not willing to after knowing how much "fun" it is. And then there's my naive delusional dreams of wanting to be beautiful which I obviously can not do, I'm just not lucky enough for that because my face is crap. If I was cut in pieces and reassembled again, then maybe I could be something? But that's very unlikely that I could ever get FFS anyway. So what's the deal, what should I do? Be another loser and accept failure, become content with being some ugly mediocre worthless crap? I don't think I can do that, accepting being shitty looking and failing at this would mean that there's not even that in my life... FOr now I have given up almost everything except my transition and my happiness is totally tied to it and a lot of it is about looks because that's what makes or breaks social acceptance, especially for a trans woman as we must be way more fem than cis women to be just "ok", let alone anything better. It sucks, world is fucking cruel and life is a bitch.

I don't just see a way dealing with this. I cannot accept some dumb content self acceptance bs, at least not before I actually try out everything and miserably fail. Or is my fate to be mediocre ugly piece of shit? Worthless queen of averages. I guess my saving grace is curves, when people pay attention to that, maybe they don't look at my face and forget I have one.

[Mashtenn]

I'm sorry that you're going through so much turmoil. I've only known you for a short time and look at you and a warm compassionate and remarkable person.  I've learned over the years to filter out the people who speak so negative of others and myself.  I am very happy of myself and those who can't accept me for who I am they don't know me.  I have no doubt that the stress is affecting you lactation.  All I can say is if others can not see you for who you are then the heck with them.  They are not going to let it get to me. My apologizes if I said anything to offend you.  You have a great core of people who she you for who you are.

[Stevenator_]

It seems at least that you are getting positive response in public, whether it's wanted or unwanted.

When I was in Florida recently, I went out braless in my standard tank top and I got openly mocked by huge ugly troll of a man at a bar by the fishing dock because my nipples were so prominently visible. I had on a nice unbuttoned Cuban shirt over the tank top, hoping it would camouflage my figure & nipples, but it did not. Needless to say the dude made me very uncomfortable.

A week or so prior to the trip, I was wearing something almost identical when the wife & I stopped by a local bar for a bite & a couple of beers and I got death-ray stares by a few women at that bar, too.

Needless to say, I'm rethinking my approach to being "out" in public.

Hang in there, girl! <3

[HelloDiDi]

It seems at least that you are getting positive response in public, whether it's wanted or unwanted.

When I was in Florida recently, I went out braless in my standard tank top and I got openly mocked by huge ugly troll of a man at a bar by the fishing dock because my nipples were so prominently visible. I had on a nice unbuttoned Cuban shirt over the tank top, hoping it would camouflage my figure & nipples, but it did not. Needless to say the dude made me very uncomfortable.

A week or so prior to the trip, I was wearing something almost identical when the wife & I stopped by a local bar for a bite & a couple of beers and I got death-ray stares by a few women at that bar, too.

Needless to say, I'm rethinking my approach to being "out" in public.

Hang in there, girl! <3

Omfg, US idiots are so bad because they blurt it all out... Finns will just quietly stare unless they're drunk, almost zero chance of getting open transphobia here, its extremely rare. I think the problem is that for most people you register as "openly trans/queer" looking rather androgynous? That's the problem, people are fucking nasty about anything outside of cis hetero norms.

For me its easy irl, I stealth completely. Not even my girlfriends parents know about my background, to them I'm just a girl. As I am to all strangers these days. The weird thing is, irl I'm getting a lot of positive feedback in the way people, especially men, react to me. There's a stark difference to social media where I appear to be hated or ignored by almost everybody except creepy men and obviously trans women either envy me or they love me a lot. Its kinda crazy, right now I have at least three more girlfriend candidates, one of whom is swearing she's coming to see me and stuff. I have experienced this with cis women back in the day when I was considered conventionally attractive to them. Now its like everybody else hates me or doesn't care, but certain trans women absolutely melt and I put in zero effort with them.

The strange part is how mixed the reception is. I have been told by cis guys so many times that I'm average, "nice", mediocre, typical forty year old Finnish woman and all this bs, I really don't know what is the truth. Are the standards just so insane online? Are cis men blind moronic asshats? I can't know, I don't even see myself the same within a same day and I need outside validation and feedback to understand it. Its so strangely mixed its confusing. In real life, I get stared at a lot by 30-50 year old guys and not in the bad way, I can tell as just two years ago it was murder stare all the way or total ignorance, now they look up and down and can't take their eyes off me and I quite often get smirks and smiles and stuff, Finnish men do that to women they see as attractive, otherwise its total pokerface or blatant hateful angry stare. I just can't tell, online is much more harsh and negative in comparison. Also another thing to point out is how some older ladies frown upon me, looking at me like I'm some goddamn dog poop and I know why they do that.. They're jealous.