[Sofia Bunny]

Fire, your post has put into words, that I suspect, is difficult for most to even acknowledge. Let alone the guts to put it out.

Congrats, looks like you may be on the road to recovering your humanity, if not more things.

Thank you iaboy, yeah, I did have a hard time clicking the post button, but you know what, I'm glad I did. Who knows, perhaps I am not a lost cause after all!

[Sofia Bunny]

I was wondering if anyone was going to dissect my post. Thank you very much Kari, I am very much appreciative of feed back!

You're here and you're talking. That's a really good move and I'm guessing it's more than you've done in the past right?

Yes, it is quite a bit more than I have shared in a while. Well at least in written form. Verbally that's another story, I may or may not have communicated more so than what I would normally. Of course when I am nervous I do tend to ramble on, but luckily when writing, not much to get nervous on or stumble on.

I guess it was a bit of a relief just to get this out in the open even though too much at once wanted to come out and I was struggling really hard to try and keep it focused and orderly. But who am I kidding, I am definitely not orderly.

I JUST came to this realization last week. Whatever your perception of normal is, I promise you it's only "normal" because you can't SEE what makes it ABNORMAL. If you THINK you're normal, step outside of yourself and have a look, you'll quickly realize that it's anything BUT normal.

Ha ha, I use the term normal very loosely in that what I perceive to be normal is what I believe the majority to thinks is normal. Of course that is probably no where near accurate since it is still based on what I perceive. I have known for a very long time that I am anything but normal, and I am okay with that. Mostly because I don't necessarily agree with what society has deemed normal. Unfortunately I think I care too much about what other people think. Which completely contradicts what I say aloud. Which more along the lines is, who gives a crap what other people think? We are entitled to our own opinions and if they don't like it, that's their problem not mine. Yes, I should practice what I preach, but easier said than done. For whatever reason I still fight to be perceived as normal.

You're discovering yourself. YOU ARE! You DON'T have to know yourself to be accepted by others, just BE yourself and those who like what you are will be drawn to you. Eventually, you wont have to pretend to be anyone anymore.

Yes, so I guess I am re-discovering myself. While it would be nice to know who that is, I understand it's not practical. It's a process, and like with anything worthwhile in life, processes take time. I guess lucky for me you and everyone else on here are a little more understanding. So my ePersona should improve greatly! Hopefully it bleeds into my physical person.

You're NOT a burden to this board!!! You MAKE this board work by posting

Awe thanks! It's funny cause I didn't think I would ever post anything like this. And I know better than to say never, it always seems like never ends up being right around the corner. Its like as soon as you say that, your strength and will are tested.

Isn't this post PROOF that it is working??? You're processing thoughts and putting them in print. You're identifying feelings and discussing them. THAT'S progress. That's PM at work (for many at least)

Hmm, I guess I didn't see the correlation. Also I didn't think I was really susceptible to the side effects. Apparently I was wrong. I've always been able to identify my feelings, it's the discussing part that I didn't do so well. I just crammed those feelings deep down inside and eventually they'd boil over, I'd recover, and repeat. Yeah yeah, I know, it's not a good thing to do. Just hard to talk about and express what I am feeling when a lot of people just look at me like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy just cause I have a million things going on in my head all at once, and I like to pick and dissect at thoughts and ideas. Sure I tend to over analyze stuff, but I don't think that makes me crazy. Of course, I could be wrong.

ANOTHER result of taking PM. You're not being led around by you're lust (sorry that's a bit strong but you get the point). That will help you see things more clearly.

Ha ha, as I was reading this sentence for a brief second I thought you were going to say something vulgar. Stupid brain.

So anyway, yeah, you're right, I am seeing a lot more things. I didn't realize just how much of a distraction that really was. Again, one of those things that I didn't feel I was susceptible to. Ooops, guess I was wrong again.

And yet ANOTHER result of taking PM! You're FEELING your emotions! That's good! I'm guessing there are MANY emotions and MANY tears to come - EMBRACE THEM! They are painful but in the end, you'll feel much better!

Argh, but there was a reason why I bottled up all those emotions, I was tired of the tears. Being emotional, and having a brain that over thinks and over analyzes everything is NOT a good combination. So many ups and downs, and twists and turns. *sigh* Oh well, maybe now I am more mature, maybe I will have a better handle now. Guess we'll see.

There's no need to think about transition now. IF that becomes necessary, it's far to far down the road to worry about now. You won't be the first person to gain a mental benefit from taking PM and that might prove to be all you need.

Oh I know, I am barely at the start of my journey. Where I end up only time will tell. But hopefully along the way I can find my inner balance. I am curious how I will mentally be when I start to increase my PM dosage. I guess I will find out in a week or so. Who knows, maybe I'll actually make a new friend or two that appreciates me for me.

Best of wishes to you Fire & Ice! I'm glad you hit POST!

Thank you so much Kari. I debated heavily on whether or not I was going to post. I'm glad I did, or I would not have had the opportunity to hear back from so many people. It makes for a brighter tomorrow.

[MissC]

Even back in school days I always shifted my personality based on those around me. Why? So I could fit in and be accepted. I don't know why I feel that it is so important to fit in and be liked. So it does look like I am in the situation that I am in because of my own doing.

Please don't misunderstand -- I didn't tell you that to indicate that you've done something wrong. I just wanted to present a thought exercise, and perhaps introduce to you a different way of looking at things.

Remember your Robert Burns: "O wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us!"

However, I will point out that I believe it's a mistake to conflate "fitting in" with "being liked". It's very possible to be a well-liked misfit. Especially so, if you happen to fall into a group of other misfits..!

Anywhere you go, there will be social groups of misfits. And thanks to the internet and things like MeetUp, you can find them.

Knew how to read me, and understood me very well, and vice versa. I don't know what I did, what I didn't do, did I open up too much, did they out grow me, what? I don't know, and never did get back an answer. This does not provide much incentive for opening up. So I struggle in doing so. While I haven't given up yet, it is unfortunately for me a painful process due to personal experiences. So finding a good friend is hard to find, and much easier said than done.

But you won't make any friends until you can open up. And sometimes, even when you do open up, the other party can't or won't.

Sometimes people hurt you. You have two options: forgive, or turn your back. Either way, you can't let it bother you, cloud your judgment, or impede your progress.

Don't waste another minute of your life crying over stuff you can't change. You can't change the past.

Change the stuff you can. You can change the future.

[flamesabers]

Fire,

I'm not going to dissect your opening post, but I would like to share a few thoughts.

I've found this board to be a very warm and friendly place to open up. I hope you'll experience the same.

I think it's normal to be selective of what you share with others. I think the members of this forum will be quite understanding and patient with how much or how little you share about yourself.

As for pm's brain rewiring, my most significant experience has been the same as yours: a vast reduction in lust and libidio.

In regards to the potential desire to transition, I think it can go either way. I've been taking pm for close to 3 years and I still have no interest in transitioning. However, for other members, the need to transition has intensified after spending time pursuing NBE.

[Sofia Bunny]

Thank you again MissC for your comments and feedback.

Please don't misunderstand -- I didn't tell you that to indicate that you've done something wrong. I just wanted to present a thought exercise, and perhaps introduce to you a different way of looking at things.

Oh I understand, and I do try to keep an open perspective of how I perceive the world around me, and how others perceive me. I just need to focus less on what I think people want to see in me, and just be me.

I do tend to put the blame more on myself, because in the end it is truly no one else's fault. No one forced me to be this way, I am who I am because of the choices I have made, or chose not to make.

Remember your Robert Burns: "O wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us!"

Sorry, I don't believe I am familiar with that quote, and if I ever was, it has long since been forgotten.

However, I will point out that I believe it's a mistake to conflate "fitting in" with "being liked". It's very possible to be a well-liked misfit. Especially so, if you happen to fall into a group of other misfits..!

Anywhere you go, there will be social groups of misfits. And thanks to the internet and things like MeetUp, you can find them.

I suppose I viewed them as one and the same. To be liked, I felt like you had to fit in, if you fit in, then you are liked. Of course that could be my own warped point of view. I realize it is not exactly logical, but it is how I perceived it. I'll pass on the misfits. :p

But you won't make any friends until you can open up. And sometimes, even when you do open up, the other party can't or won't.

Yeah, I am realizing that now. I have to work on my patience, and understanding. Just cause I'm crazy enough to dive in head first, doesn't mean others are. Everyone goes at their own pace, and it isn't fair of me to expect the same level of openness if the other party isn't quite there yet. Patience, and understanding on my part, and hopefully in turn I'll receive the same.

Sometimes people hurt you. You have two options: forgive, or turn your back. Either way, you can't let it bother you, cloud your judgment, or impede your progress.

Whether someone hurts me intentionally, or unintentionally, I am a pretty forgiving person. But I can't help but analyze how it got to that point. Was it me, was it them? Could I have possibly done something different and avoided this all together. So yeah, a bit of a cloudy mess and unfortunately does affect my judgment, and my progress being collateral damage. I really need to just stop over thinking and let it be. Ha ha ha, just need to find that on off switch in my brain and I'll be all right!

Don't waste another minute of your life crying over stuff you can't change. You can't change the past.

Change the stuff you can. You can change the future.

I am not sure why, but I can't help but think about the Lion King.

I know that the past is the past and there isn't anything I can do to change it. I just have a hard time not thinking about it. I can't forget it, my brain won't let me forget it. Plus my future self depends on learning from my past self, which in turns leads to over analyzing what I have done, and what I should now do. While this at times can lead to sadness and frustration, eventually I get through and most of the time come out victorious. On occasion, I may end up in a loop, but that's because at times I am being stubborn and don't want to choose a different path.

[pom19]

Fire And Ice-
I am not sure why, but I can't help but think about the Lion King.

I know that the past is the past and there isn't anything I can do to change it. I just have a hard time not thinking about it. I can't forget it, my brain won't let me forget it. Plus my future self depends on learning from my past self, which in turns leads to over analyzing what I have done, and what I should now do. While this at times can lead to sadness and frustration, eventually I get through and most of the time come out victorious. On occasion, I may end up in a loop, but that's because at times I am being stubborn and don't want to choose a different path.
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Actually I never forget past. The key to the secret of future is found in PAST. We must remember not to walk through the same alley that got us RAPED, and remember the jubilee of the past to repeat in future. <3 POM

[ElainMoria]

Ok Fire and Ice...

I'm going to tell you a little bit about my own experience. For a long time I was a lot like you feel you are. I never fit in, never felt right, always tried to be what others saw in me etc. And I was miserable in my own skin because I felt like nothing I ever did was good enough, or acceptable enough to those around me. That no matter how hard I tried to fit in... I was always left on the outside looking in and wondering why it never worked the way I wanted it to work.

Round about my late 30's I finally had enough of it and I simply quit caring what others thought of me (for the most part). I did what I wanted to do, acted like I wanted to acted, went where I wanted to go, and ignored everyone around me with a strong indifference and general disdain. Peoples opinions of me no longer mattered. And you know what happened? People started coming up to me and wanting to hang around and talk, go do things etc. I also ended up with more women being attracted to me than I had ever had in my entire life before.

The only thing I can figure about all that is when you basically quit caring what others think, you relax. You are no longer TRYING to make an impression on people. You are confident in yourself and what YOU think and want, and others opinions mean squat to you. People somehow pick up on the relaxed confident attitude and they start coming around to see why you are so relaxed.

You would think not giving a damn about how other perceive you etc would have the opposite effect, pushing people away, but from my personal experience people are drawn to someone who no longer worries about the 'social structure' and does what they want regardless.

Society still has some major hangups. Men growing breasts etc is one of them. But the fact is... if you don't care what others think and just be you, most people around you will respond positively to that kind of vibe. Yeah you'll run into a few asshats now and then, but they are everywhere, you just have to learn to ignore them and continue enjoying being YOU for YOU and only YOU.

~Elain

[Sofia Bunny]

Actually I never forget past. The key to the secret of future is found in PAST. We must remember not to walk through the same alley that got us RAPED, and remember the jubilee of the past to repeat in future. <3 POM

Yup, those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. Just wish there was an easier way to look back without bringing in the emotions along with it. Maybe then it wouldn't be as bad.

[Sofia Bunny]

Thanks Elain for sharing your past and your comments.

...
Round about my late 30's I finally had enough of it and I simply quit caring what others thought of me (for the most part). I did what I wanted to do, acted like I wanted to acted, went where I wanted to go, and ignored everyone around me with a strong indifference and general disdain. Peoples opinions of me no longer mattered. And you know what happened? People started coming up to me and wanting to hang around and talk, go do things etc. I also ended up with more women being attracted to me than I had ever had in my entire life before.
...

~Elain

I have been at the not caring point to varying degrees several times, but the truth of the matter is, it just doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like me. I just need to find a good balance. Obviously, I should pay no mind to those that don't deserve it. That's a given, and for the most part that is easy to do. But then there are those that I care about. I can't help but care what they think. I don't want to be the cause of any emotional suffering, I know all too well what that is like, and I do not want to be the culprit. Unfortunately those closest to you are the ones that cause the most damage, whether they realize it or not.

I think for me, it's a matter of finding that balance to allow me to be me, and see whom will care to gravitate towards me because they appreciate me for me, and I for them. Unconditional friendship, through good, through bad, and all life's twists and turns. Ha ha ha, I suppose that's just a fantasy, that probably doesn't exist. I guess I could settle for close enough.

[pom19]

Actually I never forget past. The key to the secret of future is found in PAST. We must remember not to walk through the same alley that got us RAPED, and remember the jubilee of the past to repeat in future. <3 POM

Yup, those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. Just wish there was an easier way to look back without bringing in the emotions along with it. Maybe then it wouldn't be as bad.

=====================================
That's so funny that you mentioned that quote (those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.) because after I posted mine I thought about that quote, and said to myself oh, well, let it go.
Actually there is a method to detach the emotion from the experience, I have used it and it works!!! It is called NLP-Neuro Linguistic Programing. See below for info on it:
http://www.businessballs.com/nlpneuro-li...amming.htm
Of course, like any other theories it also has its opponents. Just use it for reprogramming your past and it works!!! Without forgetting the past!!! Good Luck, POM