I'm thinking that forum members are viewing this as your Personal Journal, to track your progress and look back upon it, not as their place to make comments.
You are a good writer, IMO a very good writer, but I'm guessing that people these days just want to hear the highlights. You know... TLDR?
I can totally relate to your dysphoria.
Way back when I used to consider transitioning, I realized that I would never be happy doing so. I would never be able to achieve my desired image. I will always have wide shoulders and narrow hips. My head will always be too big. Most wigs are too small and squeeze my head to death.
My cough, sneeze and clearing my throat will always give me away. On top of all that, I have a masculine psychology. I don't want to menstruate or have a baby. I don't want a husband. I don't have any feminine interests other than the makeup, clothing and looking like a woman. It became obvious to me that I am a crossdresser, at best. However, as a crossdresser, I have always abhorred fake boobs, butt pads, etc. Yes, I know real women use them all the time but it's just not for me. That's why I started growing my breasts and butt. I wanted to be as real as possible.
BO has grown my boobs to my desired size, not too big, around a good A cup, I guess. BO added quite a bit of padding to my butt, which I desperately needed. However, there were some definite trade-offs. Real serious ones. First, it flattened me emotionally. My emotions are more even, far fewer highs and lows, yet I cry so easily at any sentimental thing. I have far fewer sexual thoughts and when I get them, erections are difficult to get and maintain. Sperm production is almost nil (I don't care about that though). I have lost almost all interest in crossdressing. I worry that BO will continue to change me and I may get to the point where I cannot get an erection or cum at all... and I think that's where I am heading. What is the point of doing this if I cannot get any sexual satisfaction from it? In a way it has been like chemical castration.
I don't think that it works like this for everyone. I think that I am an outlier or oddity. My changes came so fast, with only three doses. I wonder if a quick response like mine, verses a slow response like many others on this forum, is any kind of predictor of negative long term effects. There is still a lot to learn about BO.
Karen
You are a good writer, IMO a very good writer, but I'm guessing that people these days just want to hear the highlights. You know... TLDR?
I can totally relate to your dysphoria.
Way back when I used to consider transitioning, I realized that I would never be happy doing so. I would never be able to achieve my desired image. I will always have wide shoulders and narrow hips. My head will always be too big. Most wigs are too small and squeeze my head to death.
My cough, sneeze and clearing my throat will always give me away. On top of all that, I have a masculine psychology. I don't want to menstruate or have a baby. I don't want a husband. I don't have any feminine interests other than the makeup, clothing and looking like a woman. It became obvious to me that I am a crossdresser, at best. However, as a crossdresser, I have always abhorred fake boobs, butt pads, etc. Yes, I know real women use them all the time but it's just not for me. That's why I started growing my breasts and butt. I wanted to be as real as possible. BO has grown my boobs to my desired size, not too big, around a good A cup, I guess. BO added quite a bit of padding to my butt, which I desperately needed. However, there were some definite trade-offs. Real serious ones. First, it flattened me emotionally. My emotions are more even, far fewer highs and lows, yet I cry so easily at any sentimental thing. I have far fewer sexual thoughts and when I get them, erections are difficult to get and maintain. Sperm production is almost nil (I don't care about that though). I have lost almost all interest in crossdressing. I worry that BO will continue to change me and I may get to the point where I cannot get an erection or cum at all... and I think that's where I am heading. What is the point of doing this if I cannot get any sexual satisfaction from it? In a way it has been like chemical castration.
I don't think that it works like this for everyone. I think that I am an outlier or oddity. My changes came so fast, with only three doses. I wonder if a quick response like mine, verses a slow response like many others on this forum, is any kind of predictor of negative long term effects. There is still a lot to learn about BO.
Karen
[unnecessary quoting removed]
Hi Karen,
Thank you for your kind words.
Your own experience does seem to be more of a TV/Crossdresser rather than TG/TS and that's great if that's what you're comfortable with.
In my own case I'm not after a sexual thrill or anything of that nature. Yes some clothes are nice and can make you feel sexy/sensual but that in itself isn't really what I'm looking for.
I spent many many (too many) years doing the 'my body is the wrong shape, feet and hands too big, too ugly, no hair etc etc' as a means to 'convince myself that I couldn't possibly be transgender, in the end though you work with what you have and I'm done trying to deny my true self.
I'm dressing fulltime in women's clothes (albeit nothing more than androgynous) but if people cared to look, a good 99% of my clothing is female. To me, this is just normal, I'm not getting sexual thoughts or feelings whilst being like this.
Everyone is different, what works for you, works for you and that's good, as is my own experience
Yesterday my wife (unbeknown to me) went on a little shopping expedition and brought me back some great items, made me feel special and helped to lift myself out of my despair.
I know I have some great big hurdles in the future: Hair (wigs), voice, and electrolysis to just think of the biggies, but I'm going to worry about these more in the future when it's more relevant and try to enjoy the now, right now.
I know I'll have bumps in the road, but I'm really trying hard to keep a positive outlook and minimise those darker times, after all no one likes a whiny bitch.
Thanks again though, for replying, it can feel a bit empty in the forums at times, it seems like it really peaked around ten years ago from all the stuff I've read.
Hi Karen,
Thank you for your kind words.
Your own experience does seem to be more of a TV/Crossdresser rather than TG/TS and that's great if that's what you're comfortable with.
In my own case I'm not after a sexual thrill or anything of that nature. Yes some clothes are nice and can make you feel sexy/sensual but that in itself isn't really what I'm looking for.
I spent many many (too many) years doing the 'my body is the wrong shape, feet and hands too big, too ugly, no hair etc etc' as a means to 'convince myself that I couldn't possibly be transgender, in the end though you work with what you have and I'm done trying to deny my true self.
I'm dressing fulltime in women's clothes (albeit nothing more than androgynous) but if people cared to look, a good 99% of my clothing is female. To me, this is just normal, I'm not getting sexual thoughts or feelings whilst being like this.
Everyone is different, what works for you, works for you and that's good, as is my own experience
Yesterday my wife (unbeknown to me) went on a little shopping expedition and brought me back some great items, made me feel special and helped to lift myself out of my despair.
I know I have some great big hurdles in the future: Hair (wigs), voice, and electrolysis to just think of the biggies, but I'm going to worry about these more in the future when it's more relevant and try to enjoy the now, right now.
I know I'll have bumps in the road, but I'm really trying hard to keep a positive outlook and minimise those darker times, after all no one likes a whiny bitch.
Thanks again though, for replying, it can feel a bit empty in the forums at times, it seems like it really peaked around ten years ago from all the stuff I've read.
This is what makes this site amazing. We all come here looking for similar things feminine. And to feel more comfortable mentally and physically. But what really makes this site interesting is that EVERYONE is different and we all have different things that matter most. For me it’s was my lifelong desire to have Breasts. For me the timing worked out and I got them. But I never wanted to lose my erections. That’s why I never did any herbs or stuff like that. I do like to crossdress occasionally but now I realize it was really just my desire for breasts. Once I figured that out mentally, it changed my life. I am happy being male and dressing male. I just love having my breasts and don’t care about public opinion. I am aware more now of people noticing. Doesn’t bother me. truly wish everyone on this site that we all get what we are striving for. It’s not easy
Love
Beth
Love
Beth
Hi Lisa,
Yes, it can feel very empty and lonely here on the forum at times.
It saddens me when people come here to ask an urgent question or to pour their heart out, and get no response.
We have different motivations to grow our breasts but we all need some type of support or validation.
Glad to hear about your wife's thoughtful shopping spree!
Karen
Yes, it can feel very empty and lonely here on the forum at times.
It saddens me when people come here to ask an urgent question or to pour their heart out, and get no response.
We have different motivations to grow our breasts but we all need some type of support or validation.
Glad to hear about your wife's thoughtful shopping spree!
Karen
This post was last modified: 18-03-2024, 12:55 AM by Karen Hart.
Nothing really new to report for week 6
Patience really is a thing...
Libido is still up, I've had no negative unwanted side effects from what I'm taking so my body is coping just fine, nipples have been a bit sensitive and itchy a few days last week.
I've had a few emotional up and downs this week, but that's just life stuff rather than NBE stuff.
The journey continues. I've been in PM's with Lotus and am going through the suggestions made to see if anything can be tweaked, but it's early days yet, at this point it's just going to be more of the same.
There's always other stuff for me to focus on besides swallowing pills in any case, I have a lot of work to do in other areas, some fun. Like Makeup! / Outfit shopping and developing a personal style with clothing/self image.
Others not so much, like researching voice work, looking into Electrolysis options/cost etc..
It was reassuring and nice to get some comments, so I know the forum isn't dead yet at all.
That's really all I have at this moment, if anything pops into my head I'll make another post.
Patience really is a thing...
Libido is still up, I've had no negative unwanted side effects from what I'm taking so my body is coping just fine, nipples have been a bit sensitive and itchy a few days last week.
I've had a few emotional up and downs this week, but that's just life stuff rather than NBE stuff.
The journey continues. I've been in PM's with Lotus and am going through the suggestions made to see if anything can be tweaked, but it's early days yet, at this point it's just going to be more of the same.
There's always other stuff for me to focus on besides swallowing pills in any case, I have a lot of work to do in other areas, some fun. Like Makeup! / Outfit shopping and developing a personal style with clothing/self image.
Others not so much, like researching voice work, looking into Electrolysis options/cost etc..
It was reassuring and nice to get some comments, so I know the forum isn't dead yet at all.
That's really all I have at this moment, if anything pops into my head I'll make another post.
This post was last modified: 18-03-2024, 01:02 PM by LisaM.
Lisa,
If you have dark hair, you may want to look into laser hair removal.
I don't know how the price compares when done by professionals but laser can also be done at home.
A home laser has to be cheaper than going to a pro.
Epilation is another alternative. Very inexpensive. Painful.
I used a combination of these methods. Each one has its' benefits and drawbacks.
Each one can be more applicable to different areas of the body.
I never tried waxing so I cannot comment on that.
Karen
If you have dark hair, you may want to look into laser hair removal.
I don't know how the price compares when done by professionals but laser can also be done at home.
A home laser has to be cheaper than going to a pro.
Epilation is another alternative. Very inexpensive. Painful.
I used a combination of these methods. Each one has its' benefits and drawbacks.
Each one can be more applicable to different areas of the body.
I never tried waxing so I cannot comment on that.
Karen
Hmm not sure why my last post was in bold, maybe because I was on my phone?
So what's new this week?
Lots of things actually.
I'm on the month 2 regime now, no side effects, definite boob bumps showing, again frustratingly not really photographable, but dependant on the clothing worn, can be a little noticeable. My son (16) noticed and commented on it.
I've had itchy boobs occasionally, normal very slight testicular discomfort sporadically, and the slightly itchy scalp where I expect hair is trying to grow back (which is good as it perhaps indicates I'm doing something right in the anti DHT fight)
Talking of the kids/grandkids, the younger ones who didn't know, were told in a child friendly way about my transitioning by my wife. I was very nervous about this and did feel that we were jumping the gun a little, then again I'm not terribly brave and would most likely have kept getting it put off way past the time that I should have. It's something that did need to be done.
All that said, first impressions indicate that it's gone well, which naturally is a massive relief for me, it's also in school holidays so they've got some time to process it before going back to school.
Relationship wise, my wife is still being so very supportive and awesome, we have had some wobbles though, and we've done lots and lots and lots of talking, sometimes until very late into the night (it's how we always have dealt with difficult things) I'm still hopeful that we can keep our relationship, we've both been very honest with each other, even when it would have been far easier to just tell lies and worry about it later on, this has made for some tense moments but we're working through everything and we won't fail through lack of trying that's for sure!
Some really terrible news has emerged regarding Gender therapy & the UK
There is now a 10 year waiting list before you even get seen by the GIC people, then typically you get a minimum of 3 appointments, normally spaced 6 months to a year apart. Then you potentially could get prescribed hormone therapy, add on another 2 years for effects to happen and you're looking at up to 15 years to get to the point where I'm currently at now. This is soul destroying terrible terrible news.
UK NHS GIC Waiting times
I'm currently 58, so going on the NHS timeline I would be 70-71 BEFORE touching hormones. I'm already kicking myself for not acting earlier in my life, but I know that is self defeating and I can't exactly go back in time and do anything about it so I'm really really trying to be as positive as I can be about it.
I do seem to be receptive to the NBE regime and that's hugely positive for me.
As you all know I'm UK based and some of the things that can be purchased over the counter in other countries are just not possible here.
I'd like to try and source the following:
Either
I don't know if anyone reading this is UK based and have also travelled the DIY/Self administered HRT route or not, money is an issue for me, I simply can't afford crazy sums for this and I won't get the family into financial difficulties either.
Hopefully I'll be able to find something. (Frustratingly there are independent pharmacies in the UK that will sell Oestrogel, really cheaply - but they get in touch with your GP and they instantly palm it off to the GIC specialists (10 yr wait remember)
I'll research my options and see what is possible.
-----
In regular news, my NBE program appears to be working well. I'm been in communication with Lotus and I'm going to add some Green Tea capsules (I just can't drink herbal teas, they look great, smell divine, and taste absolutely dreadful) My last Swansons iHerb order contained a bottle of pituitary glandular and I'm adding 1 capsule (80 mg) of that to the day, around lunchtime.
Eventually when the program is fully engaged* I'll be trying to emulate the natural 4 hour interval between doses that natural hormone release does to try and get the best possible gains.
* If I manage to source an Estrogen product then the program will be amended accordingly.
I've been really good with my regime and massage/taking pills
I've not yet been good at all with my exercise plan, and I feel terribly guilty about that.
It's something I'll need to do earlier on in the day, as by late afternoon energy/motivation levels are just not there.
BO is putting weight on, thankfully I've always been blessed with a reasonably high metabolism, I just need to get the exercises in before I turn spherical. I promise to try harder this current week.
Lisa
So what's new this week?
Lots of things actually.
I'm on the month 2 regime now, no side effects, definite boob bumps showing, again frustratingly not really photographable, but dependant on the clothing worn, can be a little noticeable. My son (16) noticed and commented on it.
I've had itchy boobs occasionally, normal very slight testicular discomfort sporadically, and the slightly itchy scalp where I expect hair is trying to grow back (which is good as it perhaps indicates I'm doing something right in the anti DHT fight)
Talking of the kids/grandkids, the younger ones who didn't know, were told in a child friendly way about my transitioning by my wife. I was very nervous about this and did feel that we were jumping the gun a little, then again I'm not terribly brave and would most likely have kept getting it put off way past the time that I should have. It's something that did need to be done.
All that said, first impressions indicate that it's gone well, which naturally is a massive relief for me, it's also in school holidays so they've got some time to process it before going back to school.
Relationship wise, my wife is still being so very supportive and awesome, we have had some wobbles though, and we've done lots and lots and lots of talking, sometimes until very late into the night (it's how we always have dealt with difficult things) I'm still hopeful that we can keep our relationship, we've both been very honest with each other, even when it would have been far easier to just tell lies and worry about it later on, this has made for some tense moments but we're working through everything and we won't fail through lack of trying that's for sure!
Some really terrible news has emerged regarding Gender therapy & the UK
There is now a 10 year waiting list before you even get seen by the GIC people, then typically you get a minimum of 3 appointments, normally spaced 6 months to a year apart. Then you potentially could get prescribed hormone therapy, add on another 2 years for effects to happen and you're looking at up to 15 years to get to the point where I'm currently at now. This is soul destroying terrible terrible news.
UK NHS GIC Waiting times
I'm currently 58, so going on the NHS timeline I would be 70-71 BEFORE touching hormones. I'm already kicking myself for not acting earlier in my life, but I know that is self defeating and I can't exactly go back in time and do anything about it so I'm really really trying to be as positive as I can be about it.
I do seem to be receptive to the NBE regime and that's hugely positive for me.
As you all know I'm UK based and some of the things that can be purchased over the counter in other countries are just not possible here.
I'd like to try and source the following:
Either
- Oestrogel or similar non branded alternative
- Lenzetto spray
- possibly estrogen patches but the other two listed above are preferable.
I don't know if anyone reading this is UK based and have also travelled the DIY/Self administered HRT route or not, money is an issue for me, I simply can't afford crazy sums for this and I won't get the family into financial difficulties either.
Hopefully I'll be able to find something. (Frustratingly there are independent pharmacies in the UK that will sell Oestrogel, really cheaply - but they get in touch with your GP and they instantly palm it off to the GIC specialists (10 yr wait remember)
I'll research my options and see what is possible.
-----
In regular news, my NBE program appears to be working well. I'm been in communication with Lotus and I'm going to add some Green Tea capsules (I just can't drink herbal teas, they look great, smell divine, and taste absolutely dreadful) My last Swansons iHerb order contained a bottle of pituitary glandular and I'm adding 1 capsule (80 mg) of that to the day, around lunchtime.
Eventually when the program is fully engaged* I'll be trying to emulate the natural 4 hour interval between doses that natural hormone release does to try and get the best possible gains.
* If I manage to source an Estrogen product then the program will be amended accordingly.
I've been really good with my regime and massage/taking pills
I've not yet been good at all with my exercise plan, and I feel terribly guilty about that.
It's something I'll need to do earlier on in the day, as by late afternoon energy/motivation levels are just not there.
BO is putting weight on, thankfully I've always been blessed with a reasonably high metabolism, I just need to get the exercises in before I turn spherical. I promise to try harder this current week.
Lisa
Week 8
Is that all?
Time is such a funny thing, sometimes it feels like I've been doing this forever, other times it feels like just a short while.
Does anyone else suffer from the 'why hasn't more happened yet?' syndrome, it's like watching paint dry. Come on already!
-----
Some great news!
To offset some of that horrible news last week about UK waiting times re gender therapy and healthcare I have by an extraordinary stroke of good luck managed to source and obtain 6 months’ worth of Lenzetto spray (estrogen) which is now in my hands, expiry date is late 2026 too so no rush to use
I'm still very keen to work out the best times/amounts to take NBE supplements and hopefully Lotus will see my PM soon and will be able to advise on that, along with optimal quantities.
I finally managed to do some of those exercises
Oh My God, I can just about walk straight. They might be only 5 minutes in length, but so intense it felt like 5 hours. (yes I'm still limping 2 days later, I must be so unfit lol)
Give it a go if you don't believe me
5 minute thigh & bum workout
Week 8 statistics:
First the starting point values.
Height: 5ft 10
Shoe size UK 9 (US11, EU 43)
Neck: 16
Bust: 42 (I have little 'moobs' already, probably an age thing)
Chest: 40
Waist: 35 (32-inch jean waist)
Hips: 38
Upper Thigh: 21.5
Ankle: 9.5
Biceps: 13
Wrist: 6.75
Hand Width: 5
Blood Pressure: 147/81
Weight: 12 stone 9 pounds (177lbs)
-----------------------------------------------
Now the week 8 values:
Height: 5ft 10
Shoe size UK 9 (US11, EU 43)
Neck: 16.5 (+0.5)
Bust: 42 (I have little 'moobs' already, probably an age thing)
Chest: 39.5(-0.5)
Waist: 37 (32-inch jean waist) (+2)
Hips: 39 (+1)
Upper Thigh: 23 (+1.5)
Ankle: 8.5 (-1)
Biceps: 12 (-1)
Wrist: 6.75
Hand Width: 5
Blood Pressure: 123/74* *Big change from 147/81
Weight: 13 stone 3 pounds (185.6lbs) (+8.5)
Starting to see some weight gain! but given I'm on full-fat everything, is to be expected, plus I need fat for development.
I'm in two minds whether or not to continue posting monthly statistics updates especially on things that realistically will not change in that short a timeframe, perhaps next time I'll trim it down some.
Month 3 Regime*
*Green tea extract capsules will be on order and added at some point in the month, likely towards the end.
AM (first thing on an empty stomach.)
1 x Swanson Ovarian Glandular BO capsule (250 mg)
1 x Swanson reishi capsule (600 mg)
1 x sea kelp tablet (2,000 mg)
1 x milk thistle tablet (4,000mg)
1 x omega 3 fish oil capsule (1,000mg)
Lunchtime
1 x Swanson Pituitary Glandular (80mg)
1 x Swanson Multi-Glandular (450mg)
PM (last thing)
1 x Swanson Ovarian Glandular BO capsule (250 mg)
1 x Swanson reishi capsule (600 mg)
2 x melatonin pills
-
Coconut oil dissolved in either chocochino or cappuccino coffee pods 3-4x a day
walnut halves, several big handfuls a day.
-
**** Changes to program ****
Added -
1 x Swanson Pituitary Glandular (80mg)
1 x Swanson Multi-Glandular (450mg)
Removed -
Nothing.
Another slow build up month
Lisa
Is that all?
Time is such a funny thing, sometimes it feels like I've been doing this forever, other times it feels like just a short while.
Does anyone else suffer from the 'why hasn't more happened yet?' syndrome, it's like watching paint dry. Come on already!
-----
Some great news!
To offset some of that horrible news last week about UK waiting times re gender therapy and healthcare I have by an extraordinary stroke of good luck managed to source and obtain 6 months’ worth of Lenzetto spray (estrogen) which is now in my hands, expiry date is late 2026 too so no rush to use
I'm still very keen to work out the best times/amounts to take NBE supplements and hopefully Lotus will see my PM soon and will be able to advise on that, along with optimal quantities.
I finally managed to do some of those exercises
Oh My God, I can just about walk straight. They might be only 5 minutes in length, but so intense it felt like 5 hours. (yes I'm still limping 2 days later, I must be so unfit lol)
Give it a go if you don't believe me
5 minute thigh & bum workout
Week 8 statistics:
First the starting point values.
Height: 5ft 10
Shoe size UK 9 (US11, EU 43)
Neck: 16
Bust: 42 (I have little 'moobs' already, probably an age thing)
Chest: 40
Waist: 35 (32-inch jean waist)
Hips: 38
Upper Thigh: 21.5
Ankle: 9.5
Biceps: 13
Wrist: 6.75
Hand Width: 5
Blood Pressure: 147/81
Weight: 12 stone 9 pounds (177lbs)
-----------------------------------------------
Now the week 8 values:
Height: 5ft 10
Shoe size UK 9 (US11, EU 43)
Neck: 16.5 (+0.5)
Bust: 42 (I have little 'moobs' already, probably an age thing)
Chest: 39.5(-0.5)
Waist: 37 (32-inch jean waist) (+2)
Hips: 39 (+1)
Upper Thigh: 23 (+1.5)
Ankle: 8.5 (-1)
Biceps: 12 (-1)
Wrist: 6.75
Hand Width: 5
Blood Pressure: 123/74* *Big change from 147/81
Weight: 13 stone 3 pounds (185.6lbs) (+8.5)
Starting to see some weight gain! but given I'm on full-fat everything, is to be expected, plus I need fat for development.
I'm in two minds whether or not to continue posting monthly statistics updates especially on things that realistically will not change in that short a timeframe, perhaps next time I'll trim it down some.
Month 3 Regime*
*Green tea extract capsules will be on order and added at some point in the month, likely towards the end.
AM (first thing on an empty stomach.)
1 x Swanson Ovarian Glandular BO capsule (250 mg)
1 x Swanson reishi capsule (600 mg)
1 x sea kelp tablet (2,000 mg)
1 x milk thistle tablet (4,000mg)
1 x omega 3 fish oil capsule (1,000mg)
Lunchtime
1 x Swanson Pituitary Glandular (80mg)
1 x Swanson Multi-Glandular (450mg)
PM (last thing)
1 x Swanson Ovarian Glandular BO capsule (250 mg)
1 x Swanson reishi capsule (600 mg)
2 x melatonin pills
-
Coconut oil dissolved in either chocochino or cappuccino coffee pods 3-4x a day
walnut halves, several big handfuls a day.
-
**** Changes to program ****
Added -
1 x Swanson Pituitary Glandular (80mg)
1 x Swanson Multi-Glandular (450mg)
Removed -
Nothing.
Another slow build up month
Lisa
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