Amazing how quick the body responds after break, like the receptors were only waiting to get fed again! This time I will manage possible doubts, thanks to all of you kind people on BN.

I have been through this many times.  Throw everything away, only to reorder everything again several months later.   

It's taken me a few years,  but now I have a clearer idea of where I am going.   Now that I have decided my NBE goals,   I don't feel the need to throw things away.    I'm one of the strange people that wants to remain '100% man' socially,  but with modest breasts, big sensitive nipples/areolas, and even some curves on my hips and butt. ( is that still 100% male? lol )  

My purges have become 'taking a break', as I already have a start back time frame in mind when I quit.  Typically 3 months out.   This gives my body time to recover it's T levels and build back muscle I lose when on NBE.  I have no intent to transition, so I do this to stay in the male camp.    I tend to be all or nothing with NBE,  so if I don't take breaks the results would become far too obvious to hide.  Each time, I take it just a bit further before I panic and feel then need to stop. 

Every break I take, my chest and nipples become smaller and less sensitive within weeks.   It is amazing how quickly they respond once I start back.  Seriously,  I gain back a cup size in a week and my nipples on display through any shirts.  They go from 'feeling nice' to 'orgasm' good that quickly.   Every time I quit,  I always look forward to the day I will be starting back.

Vana, thar could have been me writing what you just wrote! Its exactly the same for me. Right now, one week in after restart, its soo intense.

Dang I knew this was going to happen. 

Now I'm in complete self denial and doubt about everything... 

Having doubt is good to an extent, it helps us question truth and seek truth to self discovery, but I feel my doubt has now gone from a healthy doubt to a obsessive one... 

I'm sure I'll overcome it in a few days or maybe weeks max , buts it's definitely making me confused and considering of pausing nbe at the moment.

Oh no, so sorry CM if my doubts contaminated you somehow. That was an unpleasant side effect if so.

Tommie,

No, you're not the cause. I was over due for the cycle of self doubt. Lol  just a matter of how long this period of self doubt will last.

HI Tommie

Like many around here, like you, I come and go in my will to grow breasts, feminize myeslf etc... I am cis, I know for a fact, but I have many fetishes that rotate around crossdressing, body feminization, etc... NBE for me has been a funny one. It made me realize how much of my fetish drive, and the will to follow it, is given by testosterone in my body. When the testosterone goes down, I lose any intereest in following my fetishes and I have some horrible "WTF have I done" moments. My testosterone goes down after taking herbs for a while, it's normal, and it runs in parallel to my sex drive. This "curse" means that after about 1 month on PM, my will to do anything "sexy" vanishes, along with my will to crossdress and feminize. In the past there have been at least 4 big events, usually break-ups with ex girlfriends, that made me literally throw away all my stuff: clothes, hers... everything. Thousands of Euros and Pounds gone straight in the bin. And thousands more spent after that to buy even more stuff.

From a lot of thinking and from observing other people, I came to the conclusion that if you NEED to pursue feminization you may be trans, while if your will to feminize yourself comes and goes with your sex drive (like feeling guilty after an orgasm while watching porn hidden from your partner) you might simply be trying to fill a void with a fetish (this is my case). I learned to accept who I am and what I want. I hope you'll find your way and remember that things are not in black and white. There are thousands of shades of personality where things mix, and none of them is inherently wrong as long as it doesn't hurt you.

Hi Shirazmn

I think your description is spot on for me as well! 
When T goes down enough all fetish and sexdrive goes away
 and with it the desire to feminize. 
For me its also that I get scared when the budding and growth pick up speed with the increased E level. But, when hormones normalizes again the fem drive comes back. 
However I really dont know where my fem desire  comes from.

I believe the fear of losing our original selves is something many people doing NBE struggle to face, especially when they decide to "purge" and stop. I've personally started and stopped numerous times and lost relationships because of my NBE routine. Sometimes I wasn’t honest with my girlfriends, and sometimes I was, but either way, they didn’t understand—or saw me as less of a man because of it.

One of my exes even blamed an abortion on the fact that she knew I wasn’t going to stop feminizing, something she hid from me for two years. She kept stringing me along, but I always sensed something was off. It really takes a lot of deep soul-searching and self-awareness to fully grasp the situation many of us find ourselves in.

The biggest lesson I've learned is to be upfront from day one, so I never end up in that kind of situation again. Lately, I've been finding women who understand me, who want to be intimate, and who appreciate my choices.

Still, my biggest fear is that I’ll be alone on this journey forever, constantly craving companionship or fearing judgment from others. But in the end, their opinions don't matter—this is my body, my choice, and my life. 

You either accept me or you don’t. It’s that simple.


What triggers the "purge" for me is the anxiety of living up to others' expectations while hiding my true self. People often see me in ways I've never shown them. I only share my real self with those I trust not to judge, but those people are rare.

I have been on the feminize - purge roller coaster most of my life. The purges have been much less often. I'd be happy to never have another one! I have been working with a therapy called Internal Family Systems. You work with the parts of you. Most people have a part called the inner critic. My inner critic can get triggered in many ways. Then it takes off chattering and making me feel like crap, in extreme cases causes me to purge. 

I just want to say, that there is nothing wrong with any of our brains. This is a tough path to walk and there is no shortage of people who will gladly criticize and attack us. It is hard to get untriggered when that happens. We can even get triggered with society's beauty standards. Some days I feel like I will never pass so why bother anymore. Sound familiar? Often the real answer is to work on self love and self acceptance.

I have stepped away from BN for personal reasons, have started reading a little but not really ready to participate again, but this post is of GREAT interest to me.  As purging goes I’m lucky there.  But I am very interested in the inner critic, as I feel it controls more of us than people think.

Kay Lady could you possibly explain more of how the therapist deal with the inner critic.

THANKS,

Caylee

Hi Shirazmn

I think your description is spot on for me as well! 
When T goes down enough all fetish and sexdrive goes away
 and with it the desire to feminize. 
For me its also that I get scared when the budding and growth pick up speed with the increased E level. But, when hormones normalizes again the fem drive comes back. 
However I really dont know where my fem desire  comes from.

Hi Tommie
Where the fem drive is from, is probably different fro person to person. I remember that I was jealous of my girl classmate's opaque colorful pantyhose when I was 4 years old and that I loved the look of their Maryjane shoes. My memories don't go much further back, but I can say that I always wanted something feminine. Still, I really enjoyed most of my masculine upbringing and even now I am really happy with my current position of "man of the house", father, husband, and (as many know me) leading "tough guy". I wish I could just incorporate some feminine things into my daily life, but I can't. I have a managerial position at work and I wish I could just walk into the office in a tailored power suit with a low-cut top, pencil skirt, and 5" high heels, and be respected.
From my point of view, I just came to realize that I am mostly an hedonist. I do things because I like them. I found that, within the boundaries of what doesn't hurt the other people I care about, there is nothing inherently wrong with self indulgence. I like the feel of high heels, the soft touch of sheer stockings, the hug of a bra, I buy them and wear them when I can. I want to feel the bounce of a pair of breasts, see a nice cleavage when I wear a bra, so I am growing boobs.

And again, hedonism feeds on sex drive. I would never transition because, in all honesty, I'd rather be an average looking guy than an ugly looking trans woman. I keep on saying, even to my wife as a joke, that if I could transition into an 18 years old KPop girl idol I would do it right away but, unless they invent cloning and brain transplant in the next 20 years, I doubt I'll ever be able to. I don't feel the need to be a woman, but I really want to feel like one from time to time, and that drives me forward but it slows down when my T is low or my sex drive is otherwise satisfied. I noticed many times that if my sex life intensifies then my crossdressing and breast growth drive lowers a lot.

I would suggest you look into yourself and try to understand what is that you want VS what is that you need. Then free yourself of what society expects from you, get rid of the black and white definition of man/woman (the world today is more flexible than that) and try to understand how much of each side you can use to be your whole self.

Hi Shirazmn

I think your description is spot on for me as well! 
When T goes down enough all fetish and sexdrive goes away
 and with it the desire to feminize. 
For me its also that I get scared when the budding and growth pick up speed with the increased E level. But, when hormones normalizes again the fem drive comes back. 
However I really dont know where my fem desire  comes from.

Hi Tommie
Where the fem drive is from, is probably different fro person to person. I remember that I was jealous of my girl classmate's opaque colorful pantyhose when I was 4 years old and that I loved the look of their Maryjane shoes. My memories don't go much further back, but I can say that I always wanted something feminine. Still, I really enjoyed most of my masculine upbringing and even now I am really happy with my current position of "man of the house", father, husband, and (as many know me) leading "tough guy". I wish I could just incorporate some feminine things into my daily life, but I can't. I have a managerial position at work and I wish I could just walk into the office in a tailored power suit with a low-cut top, pencil skirt, and 5" high heels, and be respected.
From my point of view, I just came to realize that I am mostly an hedonist. I do things because I like them. I found that, within the boundaries of what doesn't hurt the other people I care about, there is nothing inherently wrong with self indulgence. I like the feel of high heels, the soft touch of sheer stockings, the hug of a bra, I buy them and wear them when I can. I want to feel the bounce of a pair of breasts, see a nice cleavage when I wear a bra, so I am growing boobs.

And again, hedonism feeds on sex drive. I would never transition because, in all honesty, I'd rather be an average looking guy than an ugly looking trans woman. I keep on saying, even to my wife as a joke, that if I could transition into an 18 years old KPop girl idol I would do it right away but, unless they invent cloning and brain transplant in the next 20 years, I doubt I'll ever be able to. I don't feel the need to be a woman, but I really want to feel like one from time to time, and that drives me forward but it slows down when my T is low or my sex drive is otherwise satisfied. I noticed many times that if my sex life intensifies then my crossdressing and breast growth drive lowers a lot.

I would suggest you look into yourself and try to understand what is that you want VS what is that you need. Then free yourself of what society expects from you, get rid of the black and white definition of man/woman (the world today is more flexible than that) and try to understand how much of each side you can use to be your whole self.

Hi Shirazmn
As a kid I didnt think at all of being fem myself or having girly outfits, I was a normative boy, but I have always really adored the female body and curves. 
I guess other might have seen me as somewhat androgyn, and when with friends by accident have ended up in gaybars it was always me the gays approached. I wasnt happy with that in my 30ies but now I dont mind at all. I get turned on by women, if that makes me hetero or lesbian I have no clue.

I guess I am also a hedonist, and maybe egoist, but its my life and my only life. Now, three weeks in after my re-start, no sign of doubts or purge yet. I feel more determined now to take this to a new level.

This thread has really been helpful for me. Thank you all for really insightful thoughts and sharing your own experiences in this matter, it has been crucial for me.