[HelloDiDi]

Caylee, you're stronger than you feel right now. Never give up! Cry as much as you need to get all that anger and sadness out, then you get back up once you can think clearly and plan out what to do. My transition has been insane roller coaster ride and there has been setbacks one after another, especially with healthcare system and systems of our bullshit society which is run by people who hate me and our kind. Finland is absolute shithole for transitioning. Good things here are safety, privacy and our rights to live authentically as us are quite protected. But medical transition is run by insane hateful gatekeepers and systemic, built in discrimination is live and well. Its a weird mix of good and bad.

And then the most painful price I've had to pay is my social life being almost non existent. The circle of people in my life has shrank so much its crazy. I never expected it to happen, but I guess the good side is that transition is the best bullshit detector there is. All bad people are gone. All those who do not value me as myself are gone. They only liked my RPG character, the man they projected onto me, the one who never truly was. So good riddance, they can all go as far as they wish, I'm likely happier without those people in the end.

I think those who claim to have easy transitions are either the tiny fraction of a percent who are just super lucky, and most likely they're just liars. Transition was sold to me as life changing awesome experience. They all lied. My life has changed, but not just for better, not at all. Its painful as hell. I like that quote from a somewhat famous trans man who said "transition doesn't bring me joy, it brings peace of mind." I like that, that's exactly what its like.

Its not fun and games, its all out of extreme necessity. I would never do this craziness if I had a choice. But then again, once you persevere and get up each time you stumble, soon enough you'll start to see the silver lining in things, the highlights, happiness and peace of mind of living in a body that is your home.

[HelloDiDi]

I feel really self aware posting pictures like this... Looking like this, casual with zero effort and hair tied back and all. It feels like I look like dude every time. Its silly, I know many women who look way more masculine than I will ever do and they have zero problems existing out there. 

Dysphoria is nasty, it makes me afraid of being clocked, mistreated and hurt which never happens. I don't even know when was the last time somebody clocked me, likely last year? I look so extremely Finnish its annoying. I'm not exactly proud and happy for my Nordic features and especially not about being so darn big. At least my boobs have started to balance out my arms and shoulders quite a bit, but I'll never be tiny ropes for arms pixie doll. Rather some oversized forest viking.



But tiny little pixie dolls can't carry around fucktons of firewood and barely break a sweat. xD I had to stop for the day as my back is crying me to and rain told me to get inside and heat up some soup. One and half cubic meters left for tomorrow, if this didn't give a growth hormone boost, nothing will.

[huckleberrywine]

You definitely look like a beautiful woman to me and l love the natural look without the makeup. Both my mother and sister are large framed girls with height over 183 cm. 
Firewood is tough work! My wife and I had a good year and cut 8 cords of cherry, oak and maple. I'm so glad I purchased a hydraulic splitter last year, it's been a real back saver. 

Huck

[Caylee]

Lara Johanna,

Looks like a lot of hard work.  My wife and I heated with wood for about 6 years. But our winters were not as extreme nor near as long, only cold for 4 months. I remember coming in after work, opening the front door and being hit with a barrage of heat. I would leave the door open and walk to the den where my wife would have the wood burning stove almost cherry red and almost dancing in the floor.  I would say to her are you trying to burn the house down or burn all the wood up in one day. She would just sit there wrapped up in a blanket and a grin on her face and say “but I’m cold”.  So off to the wood pile to fill the wood boxes again. Brings back good memories. Thanks I needed some good memories.

The pictures of you working shows a vibrant young beautiful woman, and that is something to be proud of.  My wife tells me, you don’t have to be dressed, with makeup on all the time.  That’s not what makes you a woman, it’s whats in your mind and heart, and I know with out a doubt you have the mind and heart ♥️ of a beautiful woman.

Thanks, good to talk about something other than transitioning I needed a break.

Always, 

Caylee

[HelloDiDi]

Thanks both of you.  

I'm having hard time dealing with being me. If I could just choose, I wouldn't want to be the big forest viking Xena type at all. Being so tall and over all big makes me feel stupidly masculine. Only way I see to compensate is with big curves, accentuate everything feminine about me to cope with being so big. If I could reroll my genetics, I would, I'm not a huge fan of Nordic look which I can't escape. Thankfully it seems others see me far prettier than what I see.

Caylee, I really like this fireplace hobby that comes with an old house. Its so much fun, except when it becomes a chore when winter goes extremely cold. Or if firewood is near running out. I have had to live four winters in a cold house and its terrible, cold is one of the most torturous things to withstand, most people never have to experience it so they don't even know how it feels like. Cold outdoors is easy, there's always clohtes, staying on the move, going back in and so on, but when the cold seeps into the house, there's no escape from it. I'm sure those few horrible winters aged me a lot. Even most Finns don't truly understand what cold is when its around 24/7. 

Having good fireplaces which make the house breathe and give that lovely warmth which feels good same way as sunlight does is something I appreciate so much. The heat is not dry like from electric heaters and the way it makes the air move inside the house is amazing. Especially in a house like ours in which we have gravitational air conditioning. That's a real thing btw, these old wooden houses were often constructed in such way that its easy to make airflow in the house which circles through everything, opening right doors and windows or vents makes it work. The effect is the same as having passive air condition with air being in constant flow, that couples well with the way wooden construction is made to "breathe." This would not work in too humid climate though, but its perfect for cold climate.

Today I wont work with firewood, its raining and very windy. I'm having therapy session in two hours which I hope to cheer me up, it usually does and I wish today wont be an exception. Rest of the day I'll heat the house and relax and do a lot of pumping, my boobs are aching quite a bit.

EDIT:
First time someone quoted Nietzsche as a comment on something I posted. Old friend of mine did and this was quite heart warming. ^_^
"Friedrich Nietzsche - The Gay Science : Book II - Aphorism # 75. The Third Sex. "A small man is a paradox, but still a man, - but a small woman seems to me to be of another sex in comparison with well-grown ones" said an old dancing-master. A small woman is never beautiful - said old Aristoteles. "

[Tommie]

I took some photos this morning, I guess this is more like a timeline update for thirty nine months.




I'm really glad how my left breast is catching up with projection. Seems that aimed massage and dermarolling and using slightly more topicals on left is helping out quite a bit. Soon I'll have to work on my right to get side fullness to match left I guess. But then again, they're sisters, not twins.

You have absolutely gorgeous  Boobs areola  and nipples to die for. Such a lucky girl Wow !!!!!

Ooh dear Almighty Boob Goddess!
What a totally amazing pair of complete breasts!
And your face! You are a very good looking woman. 
Thanks for sharing your photos!

[Stevenator_]

The Trans "Get 'er Done" type is really growing on me, the longer I'm on HRT, and has kicked into high gear since starting EV.

We are who we are and the embracing of the new you, whoever it may be, is something I am really starting to lovingly embrace. I've always accepted this reality of "you be you", but here lately I love seeing the beauty within of others living their lives on their terms.

One thing I have always hated is others who demand that we live our lives on their terms. The audacity of such a thing is appalling to me.

[Caylee]

The Trans "Get 'er Done" type is really growing on me, the longer I'm on HRT, and has kicked into high gear since starting EV.

We are who we are and the embracing of the new you, whoever it may be, is something I am really starting to lovingly embrace. I've always accepted this reality of "you be you", but here lately I love seeing the beauty within of others living their lives on their terms.

One thing I have always hated is others who demand that we live our lives on their terms. The audacity of such a thing is appalling to me.

Stevenator

Funny you wrote this but Monday I must go to my cardiologist.  It will be the first time they have ever met Caylee.  Admitting to the Dr. that I’m trans is a little nerve wrecking, but on the other hand I’m looking forward to getting the secret out. It must be something in the needle as I was switched to injection 2 weeks ago also, as Dr. said it was time to crank things up.

Caylee