Wow, I don't know how I missed this thread...oh, well, fashionably late, as always.


There is no mistaking it. It can be quite scary, as it is so powerful. And when combined with any of a number of possible complicating factors - spouse or relationship difficulties, lack of acceptance, job problems or monetary issues, self esteem issues - well, it is no wonder there is a high rate of suicide among our kind.
It is so vital that we monitor ourselves for signs of these difficulties. And equally important that we reach out to others within our somewhat odd little online family here if we sense they are experiencing problems. For many of us, the only people in our lives that "get" what we are going through are those on this board. For some, in real life, there is no one to whom to turn for support. I hope everyone here understands the responsibility we bear toward each other. Far from a bother, it is an honor and a gift.

Hi Samantha & Co

I agree it is a very difficult time for all of us. We have probably all gone through relationship issues of some form or other. It is great that we can openly discuss these in this forum which is a big help. Although each issue or the way it materializes (probably spelt wrong) differs greatly for each of us it is very difficult to predict an outcome based on someone elses experiences. It sure would be disasterous going into a potential conflict thinking that the outcome will be the same as someone else had experienced before. Lets face it relationships are difficult, even without our own particular circumstances. With myself it is up and down all the time. One minute my wife is asking me if she could borrow my nail varnish the next she complaing about me wearing it. Sometimes it is difficult to know where one stands. As Heather says you cannot take back what you have disclosed. On one side trying to be trully honest is what a good relationship is built on, Holding back anything will always lead to conflicts and possible disaster. Timing and the way you present what you want to disclose is everything, although it will cause mistrust somethimes it has to be in the open. Unfortunately it is impossible to trully know what the outcome will be until after something is out. Life is difficult!!!
Making the descision "now is the time to tell" is probably the biggest emotional and life impacting descision we will ever have to make - as it effect so much, not just us, but our relationships with other people and especially those close to us wife/children/close friends.

Tina

Tina, everything you say is true. We that come here share some things in common...things many other people do not share, understand or, in many cases, condone. But each of us faces a situation unique unto our own life and circumstances. Commonality allows us to share our understanding, love and support, and advice when requested or needed, because that is what friends do. But when it comes to making decisions, each is on their own, since we, none of us, can truly know what exactly the other is going through. Having "the talk" with a spouse is certainly recommended in general terms, but I, for one, will not judge anyone for however they proceed in this area. Having a GID is tough enough, without having the only people in the world who can understand it turn their backs on you, or even just give you a hard time. We all face and deal with our own demons alone. But we can all be here for each other to help heal the wounds from those battles.
Hugs

As I occasionally keep an eye on this thread, the only thing that keeps coming to mind is dear old Granny admonishing someone to "get down off that cross, boy! We need the wood!"

There are a billion people on this planet who don't have enough to eat, or safe water to drink. A half billion basically live in open pit sewers. There are places where children have to dodge land mines to play outside. Poverty, famine, and disease are the status quo in many places.

Today, of course, is the day we remember those who have fallen in war. It truly does sadden me to see so many young lives wrecked. I'm tired of seeing amputees come home to replace the bright-futured young men who left. There are so many people with so many struggles that it seems utterly ludicrous for me to complain about anything at all.

I count my blessings instead. I have my health, a roof over my head, a full freezer, a garden, good friends and family, ... I could go on and on. Oh sure, there are struggles, but life would be boring without struggles. Life -- God -- the Universe -- whatever you call it -- has been good to me.

Gender issues? Hah! At least 3 billion people on this planet would happily trade their problems for mine. Or anyone else in this thread, for that matter. "First World Problems" is the meme going around.

None of this is to belittle anyone's individual struggles. Everything that's hard is hard. Everyone has their own closet, their own pains, their own cross to bear; it's not appropriate or useful to compare them for intensity or difficulty.

Rather, I feel it's good to every so often sit back and count the good things. Not only does it bring perspective, but the spirit of gratitude all by itself is good for the attitude, the soul, and the body. And who knows, maybe a little perspective turns some things we thought were curses, into blessings.

Clara & Sammi,
I am moved to tears, honestly, you girls are so kind and supportive. Maybe one day my experiences will allow me to have the wisdom you have now. Above all it's the warmth and empathy you so readily apply that makes me so happy to be part of this social group and it is indeed an honour to be included.

As of today it seems that it's "one step forward and three back" my wife has just said that if I proceed with the next appointment then that's "us finished" !
She has clearly been thinking about it more than I gave credit for, with 45 years of marriage behind us it's a 'no - brainer' !

I know in my heart whilst it's the sensible choice to back off it will not sit well in my mind. This seems a good time to apply some retail therapy to reduce the turmoil that is going on inside me.

My wife ( don't get me wrong, she can be very loving and generous ) has a memory of an elephant, she even brings up issues like the first car radio I bought instead of a household item over 40 years ago ..... True So I know this saga is bound to stand the test of time.

The saying ' Life's a bitch and then we die ' certainly has a ring to it .

Love you girls more than you think.

Your dear friend
Heather Xx

Oh Heather, honey I feel for you I really do.

Unfortunately I can also see your wifes point of view, its that very issue that has stopped me telling my wife, ( that and the fact I told a girlfriend many years ago, and I ended up changing almost all of my friends )

When we hear of these problems, it makes those of us in the same situation really "gun" shy to follow the same route. On a positive note, at least the cat is out of the bag and from here on in you can start to move forward. Hopefully, given enough time your wife can come around and you can both find a common ground that suits both of you.

Oh Heather, honey I feel for you I really do.

Unfortunately I can also see your wifes point of view, its that very issue that has stopped me telling my wife, ( that and the fact I told a girlfriend many years ago, and I ended up changing almost all of my friends )

When we hear of these problems, it makes those of us in the same situation really "gun" shy to follow the same route. On a positive note, at least the cat is out of the bag and from here on in you can start to move forward. Hopefully, given enough time your wife can come around and you can both find a common ground that suits both of you.

Thank you Janet dear, you are so right and I will keep working at it. I haven't cancelled the future appointment yet as I am biding my time in the hope she will soften. This appointment is so vital to me and therefore reluctant to let it slip through my fingers.
I was helping my youngest son today with a huge garden project. He noticed recently that his Mum seemed to be hostile towards me and wondered why. I said that I have admitted to something that your Mum has difficulty accepting. " you haven't cheated on her have you" ? NO - definitely not I replied. I went on to explain my GD and the CDing. " is that all" .........I have known this for years. Mum told me about this over 18 years ago and it's fine by me and my wife.

The conversation went on in such a positive manner I couldn't believe my ears and he was so behind me I was struggling not to have one of my emotional attacks.

I am considering letting the secret out to my other two sons but I will peruse over that in the coming weeks, don't want to be too hasty.

Maybe the 3 steps back are only small ones after all !

Thanks again darling Janet

Heather X

Wow, Heather, what awesome news.... I can only imagine how hard it was to not get emotional. Oh, I am so happy for you, honey!
Hugs

Dear Heather,
I've come to learn that people do not always state the real reasons for the way they feel, the things they do, or don't do. Often, the true motivation needs to be hidden and some other plausible rationale substituted.

I don't know your wife, of course, but I would not discount this as a possibility. When a person exhibits such a strong emotional reaction to a relatively benign activity like crossdressing, it means there's a lot more going on in her mind than not liking 'pretty boys'. I'm thinking a deep seated sense of insecurity here. Find the true cause, and it can be dealt with to your advantage.

You said that you have been married for 45 years. You both are presumably retired. Your financial future is largely set in stone. It would be a tragedy if you split up at this late stage in life. She knows that, I'm sure, and is terrified about anything that might upset the apple cart.

Despite your wife's threats to end your marriage if you pursue counseling, it may be her fear of losing you that is upsetting her. If that's the case, the solution is to put that notion out of her mind for good. How to do that is best decided by you, yourself, with the help of your therapist.

Clara

Dear Heather,
I've come to learn that people do not always state the real reasons for the way they feel, the things they do, or don't do. Often, the true motivation needs to be hidden and some other plausible rationale substituted.

I don't know your wife, of course, but I would not discount this as a possibility. When a person exhibits such a strong emotional reaction to a relatively benign activity like crossdressing, it means there's a lot more going on in her mind than not liking 'pretty boys'. I'm thinking a deep seated sense of insecurity here. Find the true cause, and it can be dealt with to your advantage.

You said that you have been married for 45 years. You both are presumably retired. Your financial future is largely set in stone. It would be a tragedy if you split up at this late stage in life. She knows that, I'm sure, and is terrified about anything that might upset the apple cart.

Despite your wife's threats to end your marriage if you pursue counseling, it may be her fear of losing you that is upsetting her. If that's the case, the solution is to put that notion out of her mind for good. How to do that is best decided by you, yourself, with the help of your therapist.

Clara

Thank you Sammie & Clara you are dears as always.

Clara,
Yes we are both retired and on a fixed income but thanks to my pension saving over my working career together with our State Pension we don't have to struggle. However, 90% of our income is linked to me and I have spent hours reassuring her that our relationship is until we both depart this mortal coil.

You are very perceptive, she does quote times of insecurity in her childhood despite being almost spoilt. She is unclear what those insecurities are, they may just be psychologically defective as mine are with GD.

A period of calm has now transcended, so I will let 'sleeping dogs lie' for now and try another session of reassurance later.

I will not burden you with any further revelations, this forum is meant to be a happy place and seeing you all in those fantastic outfits certainly makes me happy. My persona is an Honest, Happy and Optimistic and believe me I will resolve this with love and thoughtfulness.

Cheers gorgeous
Your friend
Heather X

Heather, dear, please don't think you are a burden talking about this very emotional issue. The lack of acceptance by a close family member can cause a great deal of mental distress that only adds to the dysphoria we feel from our mixed gender identity.

I do think you are right about backing off for now. These things take time to resolve themselves. Pushing too aggressively can sometimes make matters worse.

I'm happy to hear that your one son (or was it son-in-law?) is fully accepting of your TG nature. That has to be a comfort to you.

Is there a TG organization nearby that you could join? I can't tell you how much satisfaction and mental clarity I received by joining such a support group here in Chicago and attending just the first meeting. Just to be around real people who are like me gender-wise is so reassuring.

Don't hesitate to PM me if you want to.

Hugs,
Clara

Heather, dear, please don't think you are a burden talking about this very emotional issue. The lack of acceptance by a close family member can cause a great deal of mental distress that only adds to the dysphoria we feel from our mixed gender identity.

I do think you are right about backing off for now. These things take time to resolve themselves. Pushing too aggressively can sometimes make matters worse.

I'm happy to hear that your one son (or was it son-in-law?) is fully accepting of your TG nature. That has to be a comfort to you.

Is there a TG organization nearby that you could join? I can't tell you how much satisfaction and mental clarity I received by joining such a support group here in Chicago and attending just the first meeting. Just to be around real people who are like me gender-wise is so reassuring.

Don't hesitate to PM me if you want to.

Hugs,
Clara

Hi Clara dear,
Yes there are two such organisations within 30 miles of me. One of them has already contacted me with their meeting times and dates etc. some members meet a little earlier and have a meal together which sounds even more exciting as it will allow me to settle into their company and ease the pressure. The closest one to me in Liverpool City Centre is a club I used to belong to many many years ago. Obviously I am unlikely to know anyone now so it's a case of 'six of one and half a dozen of the other' lol !

Yes it was my youngest son who has accepted my TG ways he is 36 so not a kid, he is fiercely intelligent and rational, how I envy those qualities! The other two sons are older, one I think will be equally accepting but the other I have reservations about.

Today I feel more like my Fem self, calm and 100% Focussed and plan to trawl some sites for some extra outfits. I would need to go some to even follow the trail that Sammie has trod. You have some lovely clothes too but I suspect you may not be able to quite match our Couture Queen.

I may take you up on your kind offer to PM you when I have fully formulated my thoughts. Take care you lovely friend.

Heather X

Couture Queen? Giggle...I don't know whether to blush, laugh or just roll my eyes.
I guess I'll di all three. Lol