[Happyme]

Oh I forgot one more thing I forgot...

Are you still not seeing any changes in semen? What are you basing this off of? Risk of being infertile is the main thing holding me back from HRT or NBE, but I was wondering if there are safe periods of taking it where I won't get permanent infertility but still get some permanent breast growth.

Not to highjack your thread Oki, but I just wanted to put my own recent experience here. (I'm 68 just for reference)
I have been taking 1500mg PM for all or 2015, my erections were 0, and any ejaculation was a mere drop. I had no sexual desire at all.
Jan 2016 I stopped everything NBE except PM breast massage once a day. I did this because I seemed to be gaining weight and I wasnt doing anything different, so I stopped everything.
In 2 weeks my morning erections were coming back every day and getting stronger each day too.
My libido was rapidly increasing and I was getting increasing amounts of ejaculation.
After a month, I noticed the lovely ache in my breasts was gone and body hair has growing much faster than on PM.
After 2 month I am back on 1500mg of PM and erections are gone and ejaculation is diminishing, hair growth has slowed, but the ache hasnt returned yet. I looking forward to that part.
So as far as NBE is concerned If I can recover at 68, you young pup-etts should have no worries.
Bobbi

[rachel-rache]

Oh to be a shorty... life would be beautiful. Just imagine the world where the sleeves fit!

No changes I can talk of. I'm not basing it off of anything though, I don't care about this. 
However the libido is "normal", that is quite constant, quite high. Coupled with the unrelenting body hair it makes me doubt my choice of AAs.

lolol. Be careful though, I think I read that you wouldn't want high levels of T and E at the same time (since you're saying your AAs may not be working). I think it causes extra work on your liver?

[Billie]

I saw changes in Semen.  I am impotent so I started taking Horny Goat Weed and Maca.  I noticed the volume of Semen was a lot more than usual.  As I go longer on BO and PM my desires changed I started enjoying P spot and A spot orgasms.  The ejaculate from those is less thick and seems like it lacks semen.  If I go on to have multiple orgasm including a P A and regular one the amount seems like a lot and I feel my testicles have worked out and are sore.

[EndlessEden_mn2010]

Uh-oh, Eden, how do I respond to the post like this?
The zeal made me smile and chuckle upon the first reading, but soon I realised that without this crusader-like attitude towards my cause I just won't make any of my dreams come true. It might seem unbelievable, given my "results", but deep inside I still see myself as just playing some casual private game which I can step outside of any time it gets too intense. And I constantly abuse this escape backdoor to safety .
But how do I achieve the paradigm shift? From being ashamed to being proud? I've recently tried (the spirit of the post on my mind) to consciously push myself the extra bit, disregarding ingrained notions of appropriateness, ignoring the screaming disonance, letting my hair down. Even though it feels fake and like a lie, repeated a hundred times it might become the truth, become me.
And it might be my only chance, because I'm fed up with my male personality. Often paralysed by calculating and over-thinking, with no emotion and spontaneity. On those (alas, how rare) occasions I feel like a woman it's like some happy uninhibited autopilot takes over me and guides me by intuition. It's the moments like these and the possibility of bringing out and nurturing this part of me that gives me hope.
Ah well, I respond with another soul-searching rant... I suppose I need to prioritize finding a therapist and a support group.

Ohh, you have no idea... i went through that too...

Prior to now, no one in daylight has ever seen me(public), the real me. i was so afraid, i felt 'fake' or 'insincere' the first few times. I noticed the Lower my Estrogen was, the more i felt that way... like i was forcing something i wasnt ready for. But, i found out something else... I LOVE Myself. My friends, came together(online), talked to me when i was feeling scared. They helped me through my terrified moments and distract me just enough to see. No one seen a 'man being a woman', they Seen a Beautiful woman, that was afraid to look like a man. 

Just to show that this is not some joke, here is a picture from around that time. at a Grocery Store.(Shopping)

I was so scared, but then, i just let go. I stopped analysing and started living. Soon a smile was on my face, i could breathe deeply and just be happy. I was alive

Hang in there girl, i see your struggle too

[Connie]

OKI- absolutely do not go swimming without a woman's swim suit. You would be arrested for exposing your breasts. I think from seeing your pictures, that its time to transition. I went through many years of my life hiding, or trying to hide my 38C breasts. Then there were the accidents when I 'd answer the door in a T shirt with very obvious breasts. I finally just made the decision I'd dress as the woman I feel like. Getting rid of an entire masculine wardrobe was purifying. And finally getting go show off my bosom was  delightful. So do consider transitioning. I presume you would pass otherwise- you will have an easy path.

[oki]

Hey Connie.
I feel that transition (which I understand as starting to live and present as my chosen gender and the expectancy of being treated as my chosen gender) would now still be premature. I don't have the confidence, the looks, the clothes, the... know-how yet.  It's just a matter of time now but it can't be rushed. Heck, I still wear male clothes even at home, the comfort of the habit.
Where I live, I won't be arrested. The worst thing that could happen is being asked to dress or leave. And the looks and talk behind my back. And ostracism. Anyway, since going out topless and in bra-piece is equally disturbing thought, the swimsuit is definitely the right and more progressive choice.

[Connie]

oki- You are right about confidence. It is absolutely critical to passing. The way you develop is bit by bit. Start with a very small outing like getting gas for your car or a little grocery shopping. Don't worry so much about clothes- girls frequently wear boy clothes. Don't worry about make up BUT make sure your beard is well covered- there are good products to do this. From what I can see of your hair, it looks long enough to be styled girly. Surely you can find a salon friendly to LGBT in your town. Take your exposure slowly but do not quit. I always stayed away from gay clubs even though they will seem welcoming. Real women don't go to gay clubs. A friend, male or female to accompany you will boost your confidence a lot and they will tell you when you're walking like a man.

I had the advantage of having a mother to groom me in the womanly arts. That made my transition very easy although I did it finally and completely later in life. Might you have someone who could do the same for you?










Hey Connie.
I feel that transition (which I understand as starting to live and present as my chosen gender and the expectancy of being treated as my chosen gender) would now still be premature. I don't have the confidence, the looks, the clothes, the... know-how yet.  It's just a matter of time now but it can't be rushed. Heck, I still wear male clothes even at home, the comfort of the habit.
Where I live, I won't be arrested. The worst thing that could happen is being asked to dress or leave. And the looks and talk behind my back. And ostracism. Anyway, since going out topless and in bra-piece is equally disturbing thought, the swimsuit is definitely the right and more progressive choice.

[Connie]

oki- You are right about confidence. It is absolutely critical to passing. The way you develop is bit by bit. Start with a very small outing like getting gas for your car or a little grocery shopping. Don't worry so much about clothes- girls frequently wear boy clothes. Don't worry about make up BUT make sure your beard is well covered- there are good products to do this. From what I can see of your hair, it looks long enough to be styled girly. Surely you can find a salon friendly to LGBT in your town. Take your exposure slowly but do not quit. I always stayed away from gay clubs even though they will seem welcoming. Real women don't go to gay clubs. A friend, male or female to accompany you will boost your confidence a lot and they will tell you when you're walking like a man.

I had the advantage of having a mother to groom me in the womanly arts. That made my transition very easy although I did it finally and completely later in life. Might you have someone who could do the same for you?




So Oki, how about an update- with pictures please.






Hey Connie.
I feel that transition (which I understand as starting to live and present as my chosen gender and the expectancy of being treated as my chosen gender) would now still be premature. I don't have the confidence, the looks, the clothes, the... know-how yet.  It's just a matter of time now but it can't be rushed. Heck, I still wear male clothes even at home, the comfort of the habit.
Where I live, I won't be arrested. The worst thing that could happen is being asked to dress or leave. And the looks and talk behind my back. And ostracism. Anyway, since going out topless and in bra-piece is equally disturbing thought, the swimsuit is definitely the right and more progressive choice.

[oki]

Yup, it's about time. I shall add it to my to-do list.

To answer your last question: no, I don't and it sucks. I was in a lingerie shop yesterday. A woman arrived to pick a swimming suit for her cca 16 yo daughter. It was an expensive shop and her business-like conduct was as if she was preparing a trophy pony for a parade. A feminist could say she was grooming her for a role of a sex object but I was mesmerised by the Beauty of it. Envious and sad. Whole worlds of experience I'll never have...

[oki]

Okay. Let's get to it. 
My regimen remains largely unchanged. I've run out of spearmint. I've added lemon juice & aloe vera water through the day. I've added Baldwin's reishi capsule, 1 per day. I massage in a little of Ainterol PM breast cream, usually twice per day. I listen to the selection of Mind Power subliminal tracks downloaded from YouTube, irregularly. 

At the time of my last big post I felt quite motivated. I was out in the evening for the first time dressed modestly in female clothes, basic make-up, accessories... It was a nice but not really transformative event. I had my eyebrows done and had to repeat the young but conservative cosmetician apprentice three times I want it plucked MORE before I gave up7. I contacted a GD and tried to get the counselling and HRT. Only then I fully realized my healthcare in Czech Republic is not covered by the insurance I pay in the UK. There is a seemingly simple procedure and solution and I applied for the necessary form back in February but the HMRC has taken no action yet. At the moment I can either pay for the whole process at home or start it in the UK. Both options seem unacceptable. All I can do is to bide time and write an occasional message to the HMRC to be reminded my application is awaiting attention. You can imagine how this lost time feels:-(((

I then embarked on now traditional and long anticipated solo trek through Moravia and Slovakia, which also meant a break from all those bottles and pills, first in six months. Solitude and the absence of routine and distraction usually leads me to deep thoughts and allows me to explore my true self. I had no doubt I'll be back soon, yearning to get back on the track with feminization. The reality was I did not miss it AT ALL. The idea of turning my life upside down for a whim I don't really care for seemed unjustifiable, just mad. My feelings' guidance failing me this way I even summoned reason for help: I need to stick to my plans, if I stop I will restart eventually anyway, just older. But then, hung on a hilltop shelter I found a sport bra fluttering in the wind, sweat stained, still smelling of a woman.... I hadn't worn a bra since I'd started NBE but of course I had to try it). It fitted perfectly and I wore it all the time and something went click in my head - of course I won't let my girl down, how could I? But in the end the most compelling argument was again a massive shrinkage of breasts, this time it felt heartbreaking and unbearable. So I restarted after what was probably my last voluntary/planned break. I lost all the momentum though and for a long time did nothing more than dosing. After all the most valuable gain of my pilgrimage was I shod a lot of shame of my breasts. The backpack makes them stick out in an almost obscene way, I was mortified the first day, then I forgot about it. 

The real breakthrough happened last week. I had my bra size measured (75B), expecting more post break growth I took a still okay 75C bra. I got a little carried away by the lovely bossom in the mirror and how the lady treated me (first time ever I was addressed as a woman by a stranger) and continued the shopping spree with a bunch of women's T-shirts, shorts and swimsuit and started wearing them at home and out as well. That led to second and this time full-fledged coming out to my immediate family. (It's logical, should be obvious but I nonetheless fully realised it only ex post that to come out openly into yer oppressive and judgmental father's face is essential.) I visited a hairdresser, got a colour and an awesome feminine cut. I then finally finished my eyebrow quest with thin high arches. On the street I got my first "What the hell was that?!" from a duo of teenagers I passed, "Just add earrings and you'll be a lady..." from a woman at a train stop and the men, who had so far been checking my breasts at best were staring me in the eye with the intense look I had never seen before. Add a smile and I would melt on the spot, teehee. To say I felt elated is to say nothing. I saw with my own eyes it CAN be done, I can become a beautiful woman. Truly a turning point.

This week I've prescribed myself a sort of RLT lite, a holiday with some old acquaintances and some new people. I don't try to present as a woman, rather as an unapologetic MtF journeyman. Just one person acknowledged she understands the situation (how nice!), many more insist on rationalizing me as an experimenting free-thinking guy (so far I don't mind terribly but it's bound to change), many pretend not to see, hide their feelings and act normally. 

Some directions for the future: 
Expand the wardrobe. The ice is breaking regarding the clothes shopping so it should be easier. Start looking at shoes. It's 44-46, oh God.......
Start looking into cosmetics. I've got solid face, skin, hair, nails-care routines, but I know very little about decorative cosmetics. Time for make-up, Klára
Earrings. 
A colourful butterfly tattoo on the right shoulder blade. (Nice: I used to mention these small but bold plans with mix of anxiety and disbelief I'll ever realise them. But the idea of getting such a tattoo, unthinkable 4 months ago, is pure joy. I love how boundaries give way: it's like banging my head against the invisible wall, one too many faithless bangs and the invisible wall is not around)
Move. Resolve the insurance situation, get counselling and HRT. I keep postponing the actual elephants in the room and it's becoming a real burden.

About laser hair removal: I'm dissapointed so far. First 2 treatments left me burned and horrible looking for weeks but had some results. Treatments 3 and 4 caused far less damage but little result. I don't expect treatments 5 and 6 to make a big difference. The hair density is definitely reduced but the beard is still very clearly visible after close shave. And those are stilI black hairs that should be an easy prey for the laser. I will have to follow with electrolysis. And I thought laser is a final solution, simplicitas sancta. 

I don't have any new breast pics, there would be no vast difference from April anyway. What about a face pic instead? It's a far cry from what I saw in the mirror - a beautiful woman just around the corner. The evil camera reduces it to a guy in drag again. Hate it!! Any other comments than "great!" are of course strictly forbidden.

Phew, there we have it. An overblown post that doesn't really belong to BN anymore. Should I start a blog like some freaky transsexual or what?!!