Well, for any of you still following this little drama, here is the latest installment...
The good news is that my dear, wonderful wife does indeed still love me. For this I am grateful, and my best hopes are realized. She is not leaving, nor am I packing my bags. We, neither of us know what the future may hold, and she may yet, in the future, opt to do so, but for now, nothing will change. Our kids, we agree, must not know about delightful, ditzy Samantha, and must be allowed their own solid start in life unencumbered by that little tidbit of trauma. Additionally, for a variety of reasons, there is no advantage to her leaving, and a huge raft of problems such a difficult split would entail for all of us. Most importantly, we are still, above all, best of friends, and she is already coming to terms with and accepting the news that her man is not all male after all. It has been a huge shock, from which she is still recovering, but her heart is great, and in time... well, time will tell. Day by day. The love, after all these years, is still strong.
I once observed, in the egotism of artistic youth, that I wanted simply to live a life in which I experienced as much of life as I could, with little regard for financial success, but that, before I died, I hoped to at least have the opportunity to know, even if briefly, what it felt like to be rich, and even if this was later followed by subsequent hardship. Though, we have never achieved that goal financially, I have realized now, looking back at the past twenty five years with my wife, that I have nonetheless achieved my goal. I do indeed know what it means to be rich, whatever else life may hold in store.
I am scheduled to meet with a TG counselor on Tuesday. From that, I expect to begin some sessions with a therapist. I am of a mind to make an appointment with an Endo. No, not to begin transition, but rather because I think it wise to have my hormones checked, along with a few other tests, to determine just exactly what state my system is in after the massive amount of change my body has undergone over the last four years. Knowledge is, hopefully, power. I also foresee that I may take a break from my program entirely for a period of time to monitor how that affects my mood and desires. While I do not expect to find a great change, I think it only wise to be certain before going any further, that my desires are real and not merely the pink fog engendered by years of heavy doses of E. I believe a decent and properly monitored break may tell me a lot.
But I currently doubt I will feel differently. I am feeling strongly that I want more than anything to find opportunities to appear somehow publicly en femme, if only within the safe environs of a TG friendly gathering, just to realize how it feels. An event such as Lisa's fabled Southern Comfort looms large in my imagination, not only as a goal toward which to work, but also as a possible opportunity to actually meet some of the beautiful friends with which I have been blessed through this amazing site where we all meet.
I still cannot for the life of me envision wanting to fully transition. The difficulties and challenges that go with that prospect at my stage in life appear far more daunting and difficult than my needs require. Other options exist, I believe, to adequately deal with my dysphoria, without nearly the difficulties. The prospect of dealing with the real world at 61 and older, and at nearly six three without heels and in a size ten dress and size 14 pumps, holds little allure. But...
Ironically, having just explained to DW this afternoon that women of my height were so rare as to instantly create a vision sure to provoke keen observation along with the potential for massive humiliation, we encountered this evening at the local mall not one but TWO different GGs each of whom matched or exceeded my height without heels. It was surreal, to say the least. LOL
So that is where we sit tonight, sweethearts. This has been a difficult week for Sammie. To those of you who have offered your support...you mean more to me than I can ever say, and more than I can ever repay. Thanks.
Hugs
