[Mel87]

Mel,

 Did you take days off when first pumping?

 I find that I really like it for a couple days then it seems like too much.

 Did you set goals?

 And the billion dollar, pound, kwacha, euro question of all time...when did you know it was time to transition?

 I mean really transition.

 Best,
 Owlie

Hiya, I'm technically on hiatus but saw the email to the post here ^^

To answer your questions:

1. I still do but I only take Sundays off I like having a day off to relax from it give them time to heal or clear up from discolouration or blood blisters.
   
2. Nope for me happiness is the Goal, though originally it was GG and I'm nearing, I want to reduce dysphoria it sucks me and Lara here are quite similar on this. 
   
3. Ah transitioning well it's a bit long story and not a simple answer but I'll do my best to minimise it.
   

When I was little I was a very "different" child, at 6 I was sent to a child threapist in the UK now this was 1992 NHS so really behind the times in handling transpeople especially transkids. I played with girls toys did girl things but my "father" was quite ashamed. I went in my sisters socks and some cloths and a little bear that has since been thrown out... The issue is, is that I went through some insane trauma that got me to even see a child therapist in the first place that no child should have to go through.. Thing is I was already like this before then, yet it was brushed away, I said to her out right I was a girl. I didn't know anything about genitalia between sexies I was just a tiny kid I knew nothing. Yet my trauma was blamed for it all to the point my parents agreed.

That level of repression was forced on me at such a young age I grew up quite damaged yet played with the girls at school but I was pushed out by secondary of my little group of friends cause well "I wasn't one of them" I didn't eat much I just had 1 meal a day I was pretty messed up physically with only eating a protein and veg no carbs or breakfast/lunches. I was insanely short for a 16-17 year old I was one of the oldest kids in secondary and yet I looked the youngest, I had no puberty at all until I took a gap year and doctors finally took an interest again and I ate better. Even still I was Sterile but that's likely a different story...

Throughout this time I continued to be like a girl, I was bullied without end and jumped by 6 guys who beat the hell out of me after school, I looked completed beaten to a pulp bruises and scars even a few that are on my face and hairline to this day. They got away with it as I was so little and too scared to point and blame. It was torture for me and for a very long time I snuck out of classes early to beat everyone else out.

By the time I went to college I had finally gone into "puberty" well not one I wanted anyway.. I shot up in height but still very lean and by height not that tall either a borderline 5ft 7" (now 5ft 4 yay hrt) in college it continued but people thought I was a feminine gay guy. I just needed to focus on my studies get away from people (family is poor) so I can do what I must alone.

I was training for a field I was good at but had no passion for other than seeing the huge potential for income but it was like a mask and huge level of fakeness that really started to burn me away. I became restless and unsettled insomnia set in while I was at uni. I tried again coming out to my family at 22 and was given the "remember your childhood" & "its not easier being a woman" this was the point I utterly collapsed my life up to this point was a house of cards and it started to collapse and fast. My weight ballooned, I developed Type 2 Diabetes and dropped out of uni and became a bad shut it. For about 2 years I couldn't even face the outside world, I sold my car and gave up utterly and just got up ate and slept, played games just to escape. Yet no one could see why all that pain, all that suffering for years, if you saw me I looked dead in the face. I saw this as my way out, I thought "I'm afraid to do it fast so it would be easier to do it slowly."

At 30-31 I was building up to taking my life, I went on a trip to get away from family, I was at the train station I could easily make it look like an accident and yet somehow I held on for one more day. I was in Scotland and called my mom and told her out right that I'm transgender there are no ifs and buts I either get accepted here and now for the final time or this was it. Yet I have no idea if it was a fluke or fate or some bad luck running out but I got acceptance for the first time in my life.

It has been 4 years since this point, it was never about boobs, it was about being me and doing the things that make me happy and curing dysphoria, I have a car once more. I'm going out places I'm doing things as me and making friends for the first time in decades. I still have a lot of work to do but I'm getting there I should have an apprenticeship soon which will unlock even more paths for me.

I know you wasn't expecting this kind of answer but I felt I couldn't give a short one without context 

[Stevenator_]

“(now 5ft 4 yay hrt)”

I totally get this . . . .

[Jennifer]

Hello Melissa,

I find that I spend a lot of time on this forum logged in or not and some stories are poignant but end well.

Courage ++ and Admiration ++

Jennifer.   

[Mel87]

“(now 5ft 4 yay hrt)”

I totally get this . . . .

Oh totally I've heard the taller you are the more height you lose over 5 years compared to someone like me, I remember chatting to a girl that was 6ft+ and she ended up at 5ft 7 a huge drop o.o!

Hello Melissa,

I find that I spend a lot of time on this forum logged in or not and some stories are poignant but end well.

Courage ++ and Admiration ++

Jennifer.   

I won't deny that my journey has been long and hard   but seriously thank you, I hope to continue inspiring others, using the teachings and research of Lotus with Lara and adding NBE into generalised HRT   

Sanguine Magicus
As promised I've made a copy of my bloods available to any who desire to take a peek, I know..... my prolactin has gone higher from 879mIU/L to 1096mIU/L, I'm not really doing anything special, I can get like a droplet maybe once every 3 weeks from either. I'm not totally sure what is causing it but I don't have any markers for a tumor thankfully. Its likely a byproduct of being in a family of milkers..... basically I mean it's pretty normal for us.... Height wise yes 172cm is wrong I was wearing heals on the electric height/blood pressure combo machine  and yes I know I'm pudgy   but its winter and I'm just about coming down off my weight cycle and its been a bit of a success ^^

I think my testosterone has dropped in half since ceasing Finasteride, it was conflicting with my normal blocker of decapeptyl so it really was causing a issue, though it should be fine it has reset the clock on something sadly but it's fine DHT is completely nuked but its not here I'm afraid.

There is a slight anomaly at the bottom for "Mean corpusc. haemoglobin(MCH)" and my family thinks that could be post covid damage such as lung scarring but I won't know for awhile, I was an asthmatic and never smoked so I just have no idea 

   

[Owllee]

Mel,

Thank you for your answer,,,your honesty...your courage. Thank you!

 I knew we were similar...just shaded differently.

 I think we could sit together and agree on about everything and have many experiences that mirror each other.

 I was also the feminine boy in my class...maybe the whole school. I was also anorexic because even as a teen in the 70s and knowing nothing about transitioning except what was in the media about Christine Jorgenson (spelling) I knew I should be slim.

 But things worked out differently. Girls suddenly found me interesting when I was 17 for reasons I never understood...probably the same reasons males wanted to beat me up...and I really liked one girl in particular who is a life long friend now... so I tried to forget this gender confusion by becoming as male as I could...which worked for a while until it didnt.

 I had so many people telling me I was gay including many gay men...and one roommate in college who was mighty excited by me...I hated that guy....AND one hollywood director who tried to seduce me at a party at college in front of creepy roommate...ask me about it I might tell you who it was (Paper Chase is a good movie about college life)..I couldnt stand it. I wanted to make up my own mind and not let what I looked like have others decide.

 SO I grew a beard...ate a lot...lifted weights...tried to seduce as many women as possible...did stupid things with large animals in central africa...wanderd around war zones also in Africa for no reason (these were the "Apartheid wars" in the 80s...I was also in Zimbabwe when the Matabele were slaughtered...I saw the troop convoys...creepy doesnt do it justice...horror horror...I was also nearly shot...bombed...arrested...normal for the times and place. So, really stupid stuff....Which I still do sometimes. (I was nearly in the uprising in Zambia in 2016...not fun...I think I have some form of PTSD from this...I also started PM right afterward...hmmm.)

I thought it was about boobs...but nah...I like skinny women as much as voluptuous ones. 

I thought HRT would change me. And I was right. I am much much happier than I was 6 years ago when I started. 

But I also lost my 26 year marriage. But I also thought she would stick with me. Sickness and in health. But not for everyone.

So now what? Maybe that is why I am here at BN.

 Maybe this is where the next move will become obvious.

I still do really dumb things others might think are brave. I want to stop taking HRT but I am afraid all this barely suppressed idiocy will come back stronger than ever.

Ach..on the other hand...life is a  gas sometimes.

Best
Owlie

[wlmill]

@owlie Ah sorry the update wasn't there for this morning, I've been typing it up on and off and needed to update the timeline and thank you but it was a very difficult time but I'm doing far better both mentally and physically. I do think the opening post was done before the forum got updated  

Ok so what have I been up to well.... I've been overwhelmed lately by my family to the point I poisoned myself quite badly, you see I look after my nan every week doing her housework and sorting out shopping doing appointments and I do that also for my own home, so I'm like a little maid right now for two households...  In truth I was so overworked I got a migraine and ate in the dark, you see we also have a new oven and being a fan electric I was unsure of how long it would take to cook chicken with a season in a bag...... 35mins at 210c is what it said I did 30mins at 190c long story short, I ate it while it was purely raw and I mean deep pink in the dark. I only started to realise when I choked....  I mean I was so worn out I wasn't even thinking straight whatsoever then realising I just ate half of a Chicken leg that's raw all over I knew I fudged up. Being food poisoned has been where I've spent the last 14 days being sick and paying the toilet many visits.... thankfully I haven't caught anything like salmonella being UK flock so I'm safe at least. I'm feeling better but sometimes I have indigestion and only in the past couple of days am I feeling better.

Ever onwards
So my journey continues towards my original goal of GG but as I said recently my goal has changed, it's not about a size it's about defeating dysphoria though I think I am ontrack for that this Christmas I'm not sure if happiness will lay there for me. I feel like I'm around halfway to being happy, dysphoria is a unique beast for us Transpeep's because it's this nagging thing in our lives that tricks us and makes us do things that are hard to explain. Right now I look in a mirror and I don't see the girl that is a "g" far from it, it is much smaller in my mind. This is but one of the tricks dysphoria has and it's not nice at all. Let alone visual appearance on my face, I deal with a lot of crippling dysphoria and it's just plain horrible I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Enough fluff and something more positive last time I measured 1600.67cc about 20ccs into a "G" cup so a "little g" lol. So where am I this time well... for sometime I've continued to slow down in fact but a pattern might be emerging its likely too early to tell but I've returned to my original speed with the introduction last week with tinctures. I've gained 120cc in 14 days so I'm now at 1720.83 having to once again bugged our and especially my dearest Lara to find out what all this means so that little "g" has become a bigger "G" yay! About half way through in reality. This is a 7.51% increase similar to a earlier record. What's interesting about this is that I'm getting such a jump still at this stage to experience another ramp up would be quite interesting.... could I break a 200cc record for 14 days? I have no idea but I've been close once lol

Below you'll find my images, and gosh is it getting harder to keep them aligned, I tried and my boobs are going out of the frame so to keep it sort of consistent you can see my face/neck slowly vanishing out of the frame LOL. But I hope the new frontal shows some serious progress as I have to lean away from the camera too slightly lol

Am I on track for a GG for Christmas? Maybe let's not jinx it shall we, I still have a growth window to deal with and I think NBE is the key to shattering it.  Below is an optional read but if you want to go feel free and skip to the images and timeline update which reminds me I should post over there shouldn't I or should I save it for GG hehe 

A festive break
So at this point I must say something I've been thinking about for quite awhile now, I've done a lot this year, I went full time as me. I did my vocal training and done all the legality and documentation towards being me Melissa and even went to TransPride 2022 down in Brighton. Yet I'll be honest I'm quite worn out by everything, winter and the earlier darker hours do make me feel quite depressed and dysphoric. I have quite a few moments of Trauma around this time of year and I feel so badly needing isolation and alone time to consume the events of the year. So with that announcement I'll be taking a hiatus until Christmas and then another break into the new year. I'll pop in and share my blood results but nothing other than that as the best way for me to deal with some darkness is some serious alone time.

I will not be stopping NBE but more doing it in private for the next few months though my back would likely want a break from all this growth in such a short time but its not a time for that  I don't want to give it up hell it will make guessing if I accomplish GG by Christmas that much more interesting. So without further ado I'll be going on hiatus around the 9th when I post my blood results until the 27th December or a little before who knows hehe. As I need sometime to nurture my mind and heal somewhat.

Know I love you all but I need this ^-^ 

[Owllee]

Takin' the Garbo eh?

 Dames....one thing after another.

 For me...skip it...unlike the last time.

 Happy trails

 Owlie

[Jennifer]

Hello Melissa,

It's been a year since we last heard from you.
What do you become?
How are you doing?

Kisses

Jennifer

[Heaven's Night]

Melissa is still on a break from almost all online activity. She had a very bad time with her mental health, still not doing great, but not the worst either. Me and Mel have been sending emails occasionally, last time I heard she was ok, restarted bunch of NBE things and getting slowly more body changes, she still said to need a lot of time for herself.... I'm thinking about emailing her soon to wish merry Christmas and ask how she's doing.

So she's out there, alive and doing a bit better but just taking her time to deal with mental health problems. I miss her dearly as our conversations were invaluable. I hope she will be back at some point. I keep telling her that our mutual friends miss her all the time. And I guess people on BN miss her too. I hope she gets better.

[Stevenator_]

Please give Mel our best.
I miss her very much.
She's such a sweet person.