[Lenneth]

Probably natural. We pump ourselves full of E...it makes sense something will be affected in our minds and not just in our bodies. If those thoughts grow stronger it might be wise to break for awhile to see what happens? If the thoughts are organic and not chemically induced I would think you would soon know. What do you think?

might be an idea, but the last couple times I've been noticing when I take a break for more than 2-3 days the Dysphoric symptoms come back worse than before, although that could just be that my tolerance for it has diminished, not to sure which.

one other thing, wasn't really sure if I should post this but it's a journal so here goes.

been noticing some mild increase in the idea of transitioning, nothing huge but a noticeable change all the same, not quite sure what to think of it.

I'd say welcome to the fence sitters!,

Don't ya think it's a progression of sorts?, meaning it's there in sub-conscious just hanging around and all sudden she says hey let me out!!...

good analogy.

one other thing, wasn't really sure if I should post this but it's a journal so here goes.

been noticing some mild increase in the idea of transitioning, nothing huge but a noticeable change all the same, not quite sure what to think of it.

I think this is normal. It may be just a passing thought or it may be the beginning of something far greater. If you want to explore these feelings, I would suggest making a list of feminine activities or behaviors to engage in and go from there. You could try painting your fingernails every day for a few weeks, growing your hair out, or try to develop a more feminine sounding voice. Paying close attention to your feelings when you're doing this may help you determine whether transitioning is something you're really considering or not.

If she's willing, I'm sure Emma can give you some advice on this.

Fingernails & Hair are out of the question, either would get a LOT of unwanted Scrutiny from my Parents or Relatives, possibly even outing me to them, outing myself to my parents/relatives would be at least 95% likely to be the last time any of them would even acknowledge my existence.

I don't want to add that kind of hell to myself unnecessarily.

and besides, like I said the increase in interest is small anyway.

[GoneGirl]

I think people who transition see no other alternative. The trials that have to be endured during transition are so onerous, no one would go through it unless it was absolutely necessary for sanity's sake. Maybe it will become easier as society opens up to trans people, but, let's face it, we are a long way from that day.

Clara

[Eloise]

Feelings of transition, I think, are natural. For me, it took a while to acknowledge this fact. At first, I thought the idea of transitioning was crazy and I buried the urge whenever it crept up. But it grew stronger the harder I tried to ignore it which I did so out of being partly scared and partly being at a point in my life where I didn't want to confront them. Eventually, once I got over these 'humps', I was forced to start asking myself questions and having a bit of an inner dialogue. These questions are personal and they essentially cut to the core of my being. I am still dealing with the notion of fully transitioning but I've at least made peace with this aspect.

Sorry for getting metaphysical but I just wanted to add my bit and let you know that there's at least one person here who sort of understands what you are experiencing.

[Samantha Rogers]

Ironically, there is a similar theme on another thread right now. Same thing I said there...I would wager many that haunt this board, whether they admit it or not, have had thoughts about transition from time to time.

[Misty0732]

I have had periods when transition consumed my thoughts (I mean REALLY consumed them), but like many here I have way too much that I would certainly lose should I go in that direction.

The PM definitely keeps the dysphoria at bay (at least for now). It's not that it makes me feel masculine, more that it makes me feel neutral (androgynous, I guess). But I don't feel the very strong desire to dress and express myself as female.

I'm not sure where that puts me, but I feel comfortable with myself for the first time in my life. And I know that I am a better husband, father, employee, friend, or "whatever" (you name it), the list goes on and on, than I was before. Testosterone is simply toxic to me.

Lenneth, I always enjoy reading your insights and I feel for your struggle. I hope that I can contribute to you in a positive way, as many others do, on this forum.

Best,

Misty

[Lenneth]

I think people who transition see no other alternative. The trials that have to be endured during transition are so onerous, no one would go through it unless it was absolutely necessary for sanity's sake. Maybe it will become easier as society opens up to trans people, but, let's face it, we are a long way from that day.

Clara

Sad but True, I could write a rant on that but I'd better not.

Feelings of transition, I think, are natural. For me, it took a while to acknowledge this fact. At first, I thought the idea of transitioning was crazy and I buried the urge whenever it crept up. But it grew stronger the harder I tried to ignore it which I did so out of being partly scared and partly being at a point in my life where I didn't want to confront them. Eventually, once I got over these 'humps', I was forced to start asking myself questions and having a bit of an inner dialogue. These questions are personal and they essentially cut to the core of my being. I am still dealing with the notion of fully transitioning but I've at least made peace with this aspect.

Sorry for getting metaphysical but I just wanted to add my bit and let you know that there's at least one person here who sort of understands what you are experiencing.

no problem, that was a good and helpful post.

I have had periods when transition consumed my thoughts (I mean REALLY consumed them), but like many here I have way too much that I would certainly lose should I go in that direction.

you just hit a home run with that on 2 counts.

1. With me it has been lingering in the back of my mind for about 2 months or so and I have been having the occasional extended time period(s) (hours up to weeks) that It puts itself in the forefront of my mind and stays there for a time (varies), Before it was only an occasional stray thought.

2. My life is shall we say, very complicated, one relevant part being the Iron like closed minded'ness of my parents & relatives on such things whom out of love, respect, and a measure of fear I desperately don't want to set off down a road that will cause unrepairable damage on all sides.

The PM definitely keeps the dysphoria at bay (at least for now). It's not that it makes me feel masculine, more that it makes me feel neutral (androgynous, I guess). But I don't feel the very strong desire to dress and express myself as female.

I'm not sure where that puts me, but I feel comfortable with myself for the first time in my life. And I know that I am a better husband, father, employee, friend, or "whatever" (you name it), the list goes on and on, than I was before. Testosterone is simply toxic to me.

same here, it doesn't totally eliminate the dysphoria but it does make it considerably easier to manage.

Lenneth, I always enjoy reading your insights and I feel for your struggle. I hope that I can contribute to you in a positive way, as many others do, on this forum.

Best,

Misty

Thanks!

[Lenneth]

minor update observation

each time I go off of PM on a break the GD symptoms come back worse & sooner.

not sure if it is actually getting worse or if my tolerance for it is wearing off...

[Misty0732]

minor update observation

each time I go off of PM on a break the GD symptoms come back worse & sooner.

not sure if it is actually getting worse or if my tolerance for it is wearing off...

Lenneth,

Wow! How long has the break been this time? So far I haven't had a resurgence (but I'm only on day 6).

Interesting that several of us on the forum are experimenting with a break at the same time. It helps to share the struggle, in whatever form it may take. I feel close to you and others here, though we have never met... I guess it's a kinship born of unique circumstances.

Hang in there, and know that there are those out here that share in your trials.

Misty

[flamesabers]

Lenneth,

Maybe having pm in your system is the new norm for you? Once you know how much peace and stability you can have from pm it's hard to give up I think.

Misty,

I don't know why a lot of us are taking a break at the same time. Being ill was what prompted me to go cold turkey, rather than anything I read on the forum. I hope this doesn't mean a lot of us will be real grumpy from pm withdrawal while being on this forum or in the chatroom.

[Lenneth]

minor update observation

each time I go off of PM on a break the GD symptoms come back worse & sooner.

not sure if it is actually getting worse or if my tolerance for it is wearing off...

Lenneth,

Wow! How long has the break been this time? So far I haven't had a resurgence (but I'm only on day 6).

Interesting that several of us on the forum are experimenting with a break at the same time. It helps to share the struggle, in whatever form it may take. I feel close to you and others here, though we have never met... I guess it's a kinship born of unique circumstances.

Hang in there, and know that there are those out here that share in your trials.

Misty

not actually on a break now was a couple weeks ago though, the GD returned after approximately 36 hours, gritted my teeth & carried on but couldn't make it longer than 5 days.

Lenneth,

Maybe having pm in your system is the new norm for you? Once you know how much peace and stability you can have from pm it's hard to give up I think.

Could be, all I know was that every day after day 3 turned into a day from hell (or so it seemed).