[dawn]

and now I cannot close it. I'm still not sure what prompted it, but last friday I started a 1xFG 1xSP and 1xRC 3 x day regimen..and my body is responding in earnest...

There's a part of me that wants this so badly...another part that is terrified of what I'm doing. this is day 5. my nips are stiff, aureoles growing and darkening, I feel more jiggle when I walk, more prominent shape...and the feelings are wonderful. the pink fog is bliss.

And in the back of my mind is the reality of my situation. The world knows me as a man. my family, my coworkers, my friends. My entire reality is built around this simple truth. How can I embrace the female without destroying that?

I've been in deep depression most of my adulthood. I've never dated, I'm very anti social, suffer from severe anxiety. I'm extremely overweight. I can't count the number of times in my life where the thought "I wish I was born a girl" ran through my mind...

But right now, at this moment, chest tingling and feelings of bliss and contentment flow through me.

I was going to stop last night. tension in my malehood that was disconcerting. I don't want to lose my fertility...I am not prepared to risk everything that I currently am...there must be some happy medium I can find...

I'm so conflicted! So confused! Why did I open this box?

[flamesabers]

Hello dwn,

Welcome to the forum!

I don't think there is an easy answer to your questions. The good news is there are a number of members who can relate and I'm sure you can get some good advice and support in the gender identity subforum.

As to why you opened this box (or bottle) of NBE herbs, I think you already answered the question: you have a feminine gender identity. NBE herbs might help to relieve some of your gender dysphoria and thereby allow you to reassess your life and decide what your most pressing priorities are.

[Cindylee]

Good afternoon. First, take a breath. You aren't going to become a female over night. I live the same life you do. I am a male in a male dominated work environment, and have been on Estrodiol for almost 2 yrs. I have a nice pair of breasts I thoroughly enjoy. I have no desire to revert back to my original maleness.
I am amazed when I walk up to a store front and see that I have nipples exposed through my shirt from the reflection in the windows, but nobody has ever pointed them out or confronted me. It's just me being self conscious.
You have complete control on your body/ mind changes. Remember that you have your whole life to work out the details. You can keep pandora's box open, close it for a while, or leave it open just a little bit.
Take baby steps not a leap off into the deep end. Enjoy the journey.

Cindylee.

[❇ Abby ❇]

Hello dwn,

I really feel for you, I know how family v self is a real struggle.

This is a reply to my post from Samantha that really helped me and I hope it might help you.
I hope Samantha does not mind me re-posting this, but it really helped me and made sense.

From Denita

"Has anyone else found that under stress or emotional pain that the ability to manage your male/female sides is so much harder?......Guilt for painting my toe nails, shaving my legs, I love heels, having female cloths, wearing female underwear, etc, etc. I worry I might get caught and the implication for the remainder of my family. Yet I can't stop. I find expressing myself (although hidden) relaxes and comforts me hugely. "

Reply from Samantha

Denita - The quick answer is yes...and no. What you have, sweetheart, like most of us here, is Gender Dysphoria...a disconnect of one kind or another between your gender identity and your bio body. It causes anxiety and stress and usually finds relief in crossdressing or through hormonal changes we make to ourselves either through herbal or synthetic HRT.
Because, essentially, what we are doing to our bodies here with herbs is exactly the same process of transitioning as is accomplished through synthetic hormones, only slower. If you are taking PM in truth you are transitioning already. Of course, it is a slow process with lots of time to change your mind.
The trick is to learn what it takes in your case to quiet the GID and stop the anxiety and make you whole, baby.
For some, nothing short of surgical alternatives will do. Others get started and after awhile when actual change begins, they scream WTF and run the other way. And then there are the rest of us, the majority, really. Stuck in the middle, looking for balance. Some hormones, some CD, tinker here, tinker there...searching for the perfect balance.
And it is tough because the ground rules change.
One day the pink fog is so thick you cannot see your painted toenails. A week later it may suddenly lift and you will wonder what you were thinking. Sometimes the change is swift and sometimes slow. And often there seems no rhyme or reason. This is not just me, by the way...many with GID report this. One thing is for sure. It will never go away forever. Another thing for sure. It is not your fault....let me repeat that last part, ok, honey...it is not your fault. It is a dirty little chemical trick that life played on us, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
Sorry for shouting...tee hee.
Baby, guilt is for bad choices...this is not a choice...get it?
For most of us finding a way to. deal with our GID is like trying to learn how to breathe.
What do you do?
First, forgive yourself (because your forgiveness is all that counts), learn to love this part of yourself (some find it a gift, really) and move on.
The other way...well..."that way madness lies".

Besides, once you stop berating yourself unnecessarily, you find all that is left...is fun.


I Hope this helps.

Denita

[undecided]

and now I cannot close it. I'm still not sure what prompted it, but last friday I started a 1xFG 1xSP and 1xRC 3 x day regimen..and my body is responding in earnest...

There's a part of me that wants this so badly...another part that is terrified of what I'm doing. this is day 5. my nips are stiff, aureoles growing and darkening, I feel more jiggle when I walk, more prominent shape...and the feelings are wonderful. the pink fog is bliss.

And in the back of my mind is the reality of my situation. The world knows me as a man. my family, my coworkers, my friends. My entire reality is built around this simple truth. How can I embrace the female without destroying that?

I've been in deep depression most of my adulthood. I've never dated, I'm very anti social, suffer from severe anxiety. I'm extremely overweight. I can't count the number of times in my life where the thought "I wish I was born a girl" ran through my mind...

But right now, at this moment, chest tingling and feelings of bliss and contentment flow through me.

I was going to stop last night. tension in my malehood that was disconcerting. I don't want to lose my fertility...I am not prepared to risk everything that I currently am...there must be some happy medium I can find...

I'm so conflicted! So confused! Why did I open this box?

Welcome Dwn

There are some great posts above, you just have to do what makes you feel right, and happy. Your fertility, won't go overnight, its going to take months, maybe years under NBE , you can always go and see a Dr and get yourself checked out once in a while, just to be sure. As for dating, you will eventually find that somebody special who will love you for who you are, GD and all.

Just keep in mind, your not alone, most of the girls here know exactly what your going through. We are here to help, all you have to do is ask.

[Samantha Rogers]

Well, since Denita already shared my older post I guess I don't have to say it all over again...tee hee.
Thanks, Denita! You saved me a lot of bother typing on this little cell.
What I will say is...Welcome, honey! You are among friends, and the majority at some time have been as unsettled as you. These are big dragons we are wrestling with...but you will find lots of understanding here from most plus a drop of tough love when you need it from others. Its all good. Welcome home, honey.
Hugs
Sammie

[dawn]

Hello dwn,

Welcome to the forum!

I don't think there is an easy answer to your questions. The good news is there are a number of members who can relate and I'm sure you can get some good advice and support in the gender identity subforum.

As to why you opened this box (or bottle) of NBE herbs, I think you already answered the question: you have a feminine gender identity. NBE herbs might help to relieve some of your gender dysphoria and thereby allow you to reassess your life and decide what your most pressing priorities are.

Thank you famesabers. I have a feminine gender identity. it feels good to openly acknowledge it finally.

[dawn]

Good afternoon. First, take a breath. You aren't going to become a female over night. I live the same life you do. I am a male in a male dominated work environment, and have been on Estrodiol for almost 2 yrs. I have a nice pair of breasts I thoroughly enjoy. I have no desire to revert back to my original maleness.
I am amazed when I walk up to a store front and see that I have nipples exposed through my shirt from the reflection in the windows, but nobody has ever pointed them out or confronted me. It's just me being self conscious.
You have complete control on your body/ mind changes. Remember that you have your whole life to work out the details. You can keep pandora's box open, close it for a while, or leave it open just a little bit.
Take baby steps not a leap off into the deep end. Enjoy the journey.

Cindylee.

Cindylee, thank you.

I am comforted by you experience. it seems that life can go on after becoming more feminine... I have a lot to think about.

[dawn]

and now I cannot close it. I'm still not sure what prompted it, but last friday I started a 1xFG 1xSP and 1xRC 3 x day regimen..and my body is responding in earnest...

There's a part of me that wants this so badly...another part that is terrified of what I'm doing. this is day 5. my nips are stiff, aureoles growing and darkening, I feel more jiggle when I walk, more prominent shape...and the feelings are wonderful. the pink fog is bliss.

And in the back of my mind is the reality of my situation. The world knows me as a man. my family, my coworkers, my friends. My entire reality is built around this simple truth. How can I embrace the female without destroying that?

I've been in deep depression most of my adulthood. I've never dated, I'm very anti social, suffer from severe anxiety. I'm extremely overweight. I can't count the number of times in my life where the thought "I wish I was born a girl" ran through my mind...

But right now, at this moment, chest tingling and feelings of bliss and contentment flow through me.

I was going to stop last night. tension in my malehood that was disconcerting. I don't want to lose my fertility...I am not prepared to risk everything that I currently am...there must be some happy medium I can find...

I'm so conflicted! So confused! Why did I open this box?

Welcome Dwn

There are some great posts above, you just have to do what makes you feel right, and happy. Your fertility, won't go overnight, its going to take months, maybe years under NBE , you can always go and see a Dr and get yourself checked out once in a while, just to be sure. As for dating, you will eventually find that somebody special who will love you for who you are, GD and all.

Just keep in mind, your not alone, most of the girls here know exactly what your going through. We are here to help, all you have to do is ask.

Thank you Janet.

[dawn]

Well, since Denita already shared my older post I guess I don't have to say it all over again...tee hee.
Thanks, Denita! You saved me a lot of bother typing on this little cell.
What I will say is...Welcome, honey! You are among friends, and the majority at some time have been as unsettled as you. These are big dragons we are wrestling with...but you will find lots of understanding here from most plus a drop of tough love when you need it from others. Its all good. Welcome home, honey.
Hugs
Sammie

Thank you Denita and Sammie, your words touch my heart. Big dragons indeed, I hope I'm up to the task. Thank you all for the warm welcome and kind words. I feel a little better about myself having read them.