[Blue Colleen]

So I was reading a book by Pease and their books are about body language, brain, and evolution, and etc, and there was a section about gays & transgender. I don't know if you already know, but they said that transgenders receive less (if they are a boy) or more (if they are a girl) pre-natal testosterone for brain development so it's like a girl brain trapped into a boy's body or a boy's brain trapped into a girl's body.

I find this horrible. It's already bad to have small breasts and large shoulders. I'd freak out if I had a penis, I'd try to cut it out myself lol. Better yet if I died in the attempt.

So I'm wondering how you girls-in-men's-bodies deal with it. About 1/5 of the transgender commit suicide. You must be very strong, you seem so cool-headed writing here. Lol.
When did you find out that you were transgender (or wanted to look feminine?)
How was it to tell your parents?
When you're done in your transformation, will you consider yourself a WOMAN?
Do your friends & acquaintances & family know?

[GoneGirl]

Hi Colleen,

Yes, we are a cool bunch, aren't we?

As I see it, there are transsexuals who want to be women 24/7, and there are many more of us who, to varying degrees, are ambivalent about our gender. A part of us is female, but a large part, often the majority, is male. Still, the female part produces conflict, often subconsciously. The gender dysphoria (GD) shows up in various ways at various intensities.

In my case, my female identity was completely subconscious. I didn't understand that I was transgender until very late in life. GD showed up as an arousal response to fantasies of having breasts and becoming a woman (called crossdreaming). These fantasies were pleasurable and calming, and often necessary to achieve orgasm. There was a lot of shame and guilt associated with acting out the fantasies by cross dressing, watching certain types of pornographic videos, and engaging in various sexual practices bordering on the extreme.

Once I discovered my inner woman and began to accept her existence, the anxiety responses that I mentioned vanished almost over night. Shifting my hormone balance from T to E (a consequence of taking daily doses of PM), was the catalyst for this huge transformation.

Giving my feminine personality freedom of expression made it unnecessary to relieve the tension that would build up through the suppression/denial of her existence. With the acceptance and support of my wife, and the opportunity and permission to reveal my feminine side (if only in private), I have become a much happier and healthier person.

Will I transition to life as a woman? I don't think so. It's not necessary, nor practical for me to do so. I can live with a penis even though there are days I wish it weren't there. There are aspects of being male that I want to preserve even as I allow a lot of feminine behavior to exist in parallel. I think my male and female genders can coexist in a single mind and body. Does that make sense to you?

Will I come out to friends and family? Probably not, unless forced to. Again, it's not necessary if I intend to live as a man most of the time. But, who can predict the course of this journey? I've given up trying.


Will I be happy splitting my gender expression between man and woman over the long run? That is a question that will only be answered by the passage of time.

Clara

[SarahSchilling]

I find this horrible. It's already bad to have small breasts and large shoulders. I'd freak out if I had a penis, I'd try to cut it out myself lol. Better yet if I died in the attempt.

So I'm wondering how you girls-in-men's-bodies deal with it. About 1/5 of the transgender commit suicide. You must be very strong, you seem so cool-headed writing here. Lol.
When did you find out that you were transgender (or wanted to look feminine?)
How was it to tell your parents?
When you're done in your transformation, will you consider yourself a WOMAN?
Do your friends & acquaintances & family know?

Hmm, its a bit difficult to answer the question of how it feels to be transgender. I mean, if someone asked you what it was like to be a woman, or a "normal" male what it was like to be one, they probably would not know what to say. I'll try to describe it anyways.

It feels depressing. It's hard to trust anyone when you feel like you're constantly lying yourself. It's also hard to take anyone else at face value. Often times I think people who seem to like me wouldn't like me at all if they really knew who I was. You realize how superficial the majority of social interaction is, and also that you yourself are no different.

None of us are all that strong. There were times that I didn't care if I lived or not. Humans are adaptable though, just like any natural organism. Transgender survival is a form of social evolution, if you will. The traits as a child that are praised by adults and peers get confirmed, and those that are met negatively are suppressed. It sucks, but everyone conforms to some degree, especially as an impressionable child.

When did I "find out"? I never really did, as I've stated before my earliest memories are of praying to God every night that I would wake up as a female. Perhaps I'm different than most bio males here, but I also really don't have a "male" or a "female" side. I'm just me, and "me" is mostly feminine aside from the remnants of the male facade I built over the years to safely interact with others. My true nature would always come to the surface in relationships though. I was/am attracted to women but playing the male role sexually always felt like something I was "supposed" to want to do, not something I actually wanted to do. It was pretty confusing, to say the least. Like Clara, I would also have to imagine myself as a female to achieve orgasm. Sorry if thats TMI, but she said it first! lol

Telling my mom was scary, but she was cool about it. My dad passed a little over 2 years, so I never told him. I'm not sure I could have, he would've hated me for it.

Will I ever consider myself a woman? I mean, I kind of always did mentally. I'm not sure I ever will physically, but I hope I will someday.

My one close friend irl knows, and I've told my mom and brother. I don't see the point in telling acquaintances, although it seems like most of them don't treat me like a guy anyways. People on that level of familiarity can wait until I transfer and transition into Sarah to find out, if at all.

Hope this was informative! I don't really bother to respond to many serious threads anymore, because I feel I've probably typed all of this at some point before on here.

Not sure why you think I'm mysterious, Clara. LOL

[GoneGirl]

Not sure why you think I'm mysterious, Clara. LOL

Oh, Sarah, honey, I left myself wide open on that one....didn't I?

Well, I'm looking forward to getting to know you much better at SCC, Sarah.

Clara

[Marina Kits]

[ABRIDGED]
I find this horrible. It's already bad to have small breasts and large shoulders. I'd freak out if I had a penis, I'd try to cut it out myself lol. Better yet if I died in the attempt.

So I'm wondering how you girls-in-men's-bodies deal with it. About 1/5 of the transgender commit suicide. You must be very strong, you seem so cool-headed writing here. Lol.
When did you find out that you were transgender (or wanted to look feminine?)
How was it to tell your parents?
When you're done in your transformation, will you consider yourself a WOMAN?
Do your friends & acquaintances & family know?

Well, first I'd like to say it means a lot to me that you've bothered to join our conversation here in the bio-male section. Hopefully there's an implied acceptance by your presence ...at least that's what I sense. I think the hardest thing for me about being transgendered is that ya don't really fit in with the guys... ya don't fit in with the gals ...and society kinda frowns on dudes in dresses which is what most of us look like thanks to being ravaged by testosterone. Having someone such as yourself appear accepting and even striking up a conversation is really sweet. Thank you.

As for what it feels like??? Yeah, that's a tough question. May I assume that you think you'd be, "more attractive" if you could change one or more things about yourself"? How intense is that feeling? Multiply it by a hundred and that's how I feel most days. It's a deep, unrelenting yearning to be different than I am that persists every day ...ever time is see a woman ...especially the more attractive ones. I just want to be loved and cared for and cherished and sheltered like I imagine many women do. Would I like to have some anatomy rearranged? Absolutely! Have I thought about doing it myself? Oh yeah! And if the number of my days are less than average, that's perfectly alright with me so long as it's not self inflicted ...which I have thought about at times but obviously haven't and hopefully never will.

My parents? They don't know - I think it would be devastating for them to learn this secret about me. I'm 42 so "coming out" while still young enough to effect physical change was ...scary as hell to put it mildly. I don't know how the trifle few who did it back then, did so and survived. I sure couldn't back then and would be scared even today.
How will I feel after transition? I don't know but I hope I'll finally feel like the outside matches the inside and I can stop thinking about it all the time. I'll probably still look androgynous at best but at least the reflection in the mirror will be a lot more peaceful. All that is still only a possibility at this time.
Do friends and family know? Just my wife and several people who are also transgender like my friends here. Most don't live by me so my secret remains safe.

One last thought. Because I'm older, my options are pretty limited. I'm married with children and I just can't rock their world with a "full transition" plus I can't jeopardize my relationship with them for that, I need them too. So I try to be optimistic, try to find peace where I can, get lots of encouragement here and hope that one day, I can be freer than I am now.

[EvaMarie]

So I was reading a book by Pease and their books are about body language, brain, and evolution, and etc, and there was a section about gays & transgender. I don't know if you already know, but they said that transgenders receive less (if they are a boy) or more (if they are a girl) pre-natal testosterone for brain development so it's like a girl brain trapped into a boy's body or a boy's brain trapped into a girl's body.

I find this horrible. It's already bad to have small breasts and large shoulders. I'd freak out if I had a penis, I'd try to cut it out myself lol. Better yet if I died in the attempt.

So I'm wondering how you girls-in-men's-bodies deal with it. About 1/5 of the transgender commit suicide. You must be very strong, you seem so cool-headed writing here. Lol.
When did you find out that you were transgender (or wanted to look feminine?)
How was it to tell your parents?
When you're done in your transformation, will you consider yourself a WOMAN?
Do your friends & acquaintances & family know?

Hi Blue Colleen, great question, my answer will be a long one

How does it feel to have GID??? Well thats an old term thats not really used anymore.... Gender identity "disorder" has been replaced with gender dysphoria, GD.... I think thats much more accurate because while I never quite felt "normal" I certainly never thought I have a "disorder", Im just different, not a normal man in my thinking anyway...

That said I remember being very young in school feeling very sad and depressed knowing I wanted to be one of the girls but also knowing I was born male and never would be one...

I also was raised in a very religious home and I knew that what I felt would never be tolerated if I tried to express it with my family....

So I just tried to bury these thoughts and tried to be "normal"...

Most of the time it would never really be on my mind but I never really felt like I fit in with the guys... I never really understood the way they would think and act most of the time and I could tell I was very different from them...

When I would let my true self out Id get a bunch of crap from them and called a "sissy" or "fag" or worse so I learned not to do that if it could be helped....

I constructed an elaborate male identity and overcompensated in so many ways trying to prove to myself and the world that I was a "man"...

This served me very well financially and professionally but it got harder and harder and became more and more apparent to myself that it was all a lie as the years went by...

I did a lot of drugs and drank A LOT of alcohol to cope with this.... There were times I thought of suicide, but I did it slowly with booze and beer and drugs instead... There was a lot of guilt and shame and self loathing involved there... I never liked the person I saw in the mirror much...

I always loved women but I was never really comfortable with the male role in bed and I always felt inadequate... I also like men even got with a few when I was young and that certainly didnt help my fragile male ego... I stopped that when all the AIDS stuff started going down and repressed all that out fear of dying and big time guilt and shame.... With anyone Im not comfortable as a dom or top, I am only really comfortable in the submissive role....

So I ended up in a job where I could just bury myself in work and made a TON of $$$... I wasnt really happy at all but making $$$ is a good thing so thats what I did.... I didnt have much of a life outside of work but I didnt care much...

Until I couldnt do that anymore either, lucky for me by then I had enough where I didnt really need to work anymore so I "retired" early at 39...

Well one day not long ago "she" said enough is enough and there was no stopping her....

I was sitting there a drunk fat very unhealthy hairy bearded "man" in a dress coming to terms with all of this... I was looking down the barrel of my loaded Glock .45 crying.... I "came out" to myself... I finally forgave myself for everything and accepted the real me.... THAT was VERY liberating...

I knew I could not go on like that much longer...

I knew I wanted to be a woman and frankly I didnt care much about the consequences of letting her take over anymore...

After all Im 45, no kids, no wife, no friends and going nowhere fast with the few women Id dated... Oh and it doesnt hurt to have a nice pile of cash

So I started eating much better and getting some exercise and quit the drinking so much... The pounds came off fast and I was also learning how to dress as a woman.... For the first time I actually started to like who I was and the girl in the mirror looked so much better to me than the miserable old "man"....

I wanted very badly to go on HRT and come out to family but I was scared and I wasnt ready yet....

I did write my last EX, my last real girlfriend, a long letter detailing EVERYTHING about the real me and apologizing for any bad treatment... She accepted it all and we are now very good friends.... In fact she is coming to visit me next week and I cant wait to see her as the REAL me

Shortly after that I met my current GF online by being totally up front with her... On our first "date" I met her at her house fully dressed en femme and we hit it off great from the start That was INCREDIBLE to finally truely be myself with a woman and I knew there was no going back to the old me after that.... She and my EX have been a great help to me in developing my femme style with clothes, hair, make up and manners....

So Id been lurking here for a while and I finally decided to try PM and NBE... I was very skeptical and thought it was a scam but I was very happy when I realized that it was actually working very well for me

Not long after that I decided to go to a doctor and now Im on pharma HRT and laser and electrolysis for the beard...

Now I know there will be no going back for me and I want full transition and to live 24/7 as female...

So I decided I had to come out to family.... Thankfully I dont rely on them for anything and they all live very far away...

I just wrote my Mom a long letter telling her the truth and I was prepared for the worst... I was very happy and surprised by the unbelievably positive reaction Ive received so far

So how does it feel today??? Well it feels great most of the time and I wont lie, if in a few years the HRT has me feminized the way I think it will I'll probably have a new legal name and go all the way with SRS....

[GoneGirl]

That's a very touching account of your life, Eva. You've told the story before, but whenever you tell it, it's a powerful reminder of what gender incongruence is all about. It's nice to know that you have found yourself in Eva and have no doubts about your decision to transition. I think we all have to find our true selves, and find a way to live as our true selves if we want to be content in our lives. That's the ultimate cure for GD, isn't it?

Clara

[Samantha Rogers]

Hi Colleen,
Thanks for taking the time to see what we are about, sweetheart! Not too manys GGs are willing to do that. I think you are young still, am I right? Still a teenager? I have a daughter not too much older than you, so I know a little of what life is like for you. Here, as simply as I can, is what it is like for us.
First, we come in all kinds. Sarah, bless her sweet heart, is internally every bit as much a girl as you are. For her, it is all about correcting the physical imbalance.
For many of us, though, it is more complicated because it is not so clear cut. Our gender is somewhere in between, some closer to female and some with only a little female. But from the time we are born we are taught to conform to the male role.
So, throughout our lives there is a voice of insecurity inside, whispering to us, coaxing us, trying to tease its way to the surface. And all the while, all the voices of friends, family and society are battling back and trying to beat down those femine feelings. So an anxiety grows. In almost every situation we live through, an internal conversation is going on in our minds between the two sides...and a fear is nestled quietly behind every word thought and movement that we will be discovered..caught...unmasked and revealed as the ...whatever we are...but less than the normal everyday male we purport to be. That fear lies beneath everything....sometimes a barely audible whisper, but sometimes a roaring symphony of nearly unbearable tension. And throughout all of this there is also the series of distractions born of self denial. Going through a shoe store surrounded by womens shoes can be a nightmare. Watching a beautiful woman pass and knowing part of you wants to date that woman but part of you wants to be that woman.
And so to battle this many turn to ultra male things...the army, sports, even fathering kids...only to realize later that it will never go away and in fact gets louder and stronger the longer it is denied.
So we learn to embrace the female. But then we must still face the demons, real and imaginary. The wife who decides she wants a real man. The taunts of strangers faced with a "man in a dress". The employer who suddenly decides we are no longer employable. It can be devastating.

But it can also be joyous. After a lifetime of denial, the simple act of being fully dressed and standing in public in a night club dancing was a moment of simple and powerful euphoria I will never forget.

The thing to remember....none if us asked to be born this way. Most would, if they could, take a pill and make it go away. But that isnt possible. We just have to live with who we are and the little joke life played on us. It is ok. It could be worse. We could have been born with no legs, or in Somalia, you know?
Thanks for asking!
Hugs
Sammie

[GoneGirl]

Sammie, what a well-written summary of the transgender condition. I don't think I've ever heard or read about the internal/external conflicts we face expressed so succinctly, yet with such feeling and realism.

Thanks,

Clara

[Lenneth]

What is it like to have GD?

I think it differs to an extent from one person to the next.

For myself it started with puberty and primarily manifested primarily in the form of a unbelievably heavy & dense cloud of stress that had no cause I could find, and it gradually grew worse each year.

Thier is a lot more to it but that is the short & simple description of what it is like for me.