[GoneGirl]

Heather, I can relate to your experience. I, too, cried when I came out to my wife about my cross gender identity. I had been taking PM for only a week at that moment. Maybe I would have experienced the emotion of the moment and teared up without the influence of PM, IDK. It was describing the years of confused, compulsive, anxiety riddled, sexual behaviors that became too much for me to bear. The flood of emotions overwhelmed me.

I would NEVER go back to the way it once was.

Clara

[Heather-H]

Heather, I can relate to your experience. I, too, cried when I came out to my wife about my cross gender identity. I had been taking PM for only a week at that moment. Maybe I would have experienced the emotion of the moment and teared up without the influence of PM, IDK. It was describing the years of confused, compulsive, anxiety riddled, sexual behaviors that became too much for me to bear. The flood of emotions overwhelmed me.

I would NEVER go back to the way it once was.

Clara

Thanks for that Clara, I don't feel quite so bad now.
My wife didn't show any emotion, maybe a little too shocked or anaesthetised by my historical revelations. Things have been very strained between us ever since which worries the hell out of me. She did have a certain level of benevolence prior to this and that too has wained.
How was it taken by your wife? I will understand if you would prefer to keep that private or PM me.

Thanks again for your kind and thoughtful support.

Hugs
Heather X

[GoneGirl]

Heather, I can relate to your experience. I, too, cried when I came out to my wife about my cross gender identity. I had been taking PM for only a week at that moment. Maybe I would have experienced the emotion of the moment and teared up without the influence of PM, IDK. It was describing the years of confused, compulsive, anxiety riddled, sexual behaviors that became too much for me to bear. The flood of emotions overwhelmed me.

I would NEVER go back to the way it once was.

Clara

Thanks for that Clara, I don't feel quite so bad now.
My wife didn't show any emotion, maybe a little too shocked or anaesthetised by my historical revelations. Things have been very strained between us ever since which worries the hell out of me. She did have a certain level of benevolence prior to this and that too has wained.
How was it taken by your wife? I will understand if you would prefer to keep that private or PM me.

Thanks again for your kind and thoughtful support.

Hugs
Heather X

I have to preface my answer to your question, Heather, by saying that I was always afraid to reveal my messed up, crossdreamer nature to my wife. I didn't understand it myself, was deeply ashamed, and did everything I could to hide the real me from my wife. My intentions were good. I tried hard to be a good husband. I knew that if she wanted an excuse to get out of the relationship, learning about my 'secret' would be more than sufficient grounds to say goodbye. Even if she chose to stay with me, I believed that her feelings toward me could be irreparably damaged.

But, of course, I did finally come out to her. It was after I had written a long letter addressed to her that divulged things about me that I'm sure she never knew along with reasons for my being the way I was based on my having researched gender identity material on the web, and finally my hopes for our future together if she could find it in her heart to love me as the real me. I never gave her the letter, but it did help me to prepare for the very emotional sit down I arranged for an evening several days later.

Her reaction was complete silence. My only clue was the expression on her face which was of utter disappointment and sadness. When I pressed her for her thoughts, all she could muster was, "I'm so confused!"

The next morning we went for a long walk and I continued to fill in the blanks about my gender identity. Again, she listened, but did not express approval or disapproval. I think she truly did not know what to think. I credit her for staying neutral, at least, until she had time to think things through.

Finally, several days later she did say something that was positive and significant. She said, "There is something good that's come from this, dear. I always thought that our sex life was so-so because I was unattractive to you. I'm happy to hear that was not the reason."

It took two full weeks of on-going talks during which my wife began to open up more and more as the shock of this life changing revelation wore off, she began to learn the basic facts about cross genderism, and her thoughts and feelings began to gel. What emerged was a willingness to accept the new me and lend support with a few conditions.

To this day, however, she will admit to still being confused. Apparently, she is unable to understand, or should I say 'feel' what it means to be transgender. Maybe she will never reach that kind of deep understanding.

Our next step is to start associating with other transgender couples at the CD/TG support/social group that we have joined. I'm hoping the experience will take us both to the next level.

Don't give up, Heather. It can take a long time for a wife to come around to your coming out. Your mutual love will eventually point the way.

Hugs,

Clara

[Miranda-nata-est]

Hi everyone,

back after a period of introspective confusion - been hovvering again for a day or two but had to respond to this one after watching a ridiculous chefs challenge type thing on TV tonight. This phase of the challenge, spread over 5 nights, started out with an arrogant two star Michelin chef, another well known male chef and the underdog, big time, female chef- one of the contestants was eliminated last eve (Thurs), the second this eve (Fri).

I had floods of tears rolling down my face when she won - it wouldn't have bothered me one way or the other 12 months or so ago.

I've always had a thing about arrogance and have usually supported the underdog but now the feelings are Sooooo much more pronounced....


Nice to be back

x M

[GoneGirl]

Nice to have you back, Miranda. I hope your introspection paid off well.

Clara

[Heather-H]

Heather, I can relate to your experience. I, too, cried when I came out to my wife about my cross gender identity. I had been taking PM for only a week at that moment. Maybe I would have experienced the emotion of the moment and teared up without the influence of PM, IDK. It was describing the years of confused, compulsive, anxiety riddled, sexual behaviors that became too much for me to bear. The flood of emotions overwhelmed me.

I would NEVER go back to the way it once was.

Clara

Thanks for that Clara, I don't feel quite so bad now.
My wife didn't show any emotion, maybe a little too shocked or anaesthetised by my historical revelations. Things have been very strained between us ever since which worries the hell out of me. She did have a certain level of benevolence prior to this and that too has wained.
How was it taken by your wife? I will understand if you would prefer to keep that private or PM me.

Thanks again for your kind and thoughtful support.

Hugs
Heather X

I have to preface my answer to your question, Heather, by saying that I was always afraid to reveal my messed up, crossdreamer nature to my wife. I didn't understand it myself, was deeply ashamed, and did everything I could to hide the real me from my wife. My intentions were good. I tried hard to be a good husband. I knew that if she wanted an excuse to get out of the relationship, learning about my 'secret' would be more than sufficient grounds to say goodbye. Even if she chose to stay with me, I believed that her feelings toward me could be irreparably damaged.

But, of course, I did finally come out to her. It was after I had written a long letter addressed to her that divulged things about me that I'm sure she never knew along with reasons for my being the way I was based on my having researched gender identity material on the web, and finally my hopes for our future together if she could find it in her heart to love me as the real me. I never gave her the letter, but it did help me to prepare for the very emotional sit down I arranged for an evening several days later.

Her reaction was complete silence. My only clue was the expression on her face which was of utter disappointment and sadness. When I pressed her for her thoughts, all she could muster was, "I'm so confused!"

The next morning we went for a long walk and I continued to fill in the blanks about my gender identity. Again, she listened, but did not express approval or disapproval. I think she truly did not know what to think. I credit her for staying neutral, at least, until she had time to think things through.

Finally, several days later she did say something that was positive and significant. She said, "There is something good that's come from this, dear. I always thought that our sex life was so-so because I was unattractive to you. I'm happy to hear that was not the reason."

It took two full weeks of on-going talks during which my wife began to open up more and more as the shock of this life changing revelation wore off, she began to learn the basic facts about cross genderism, and her thoughts and feelings began to gel. What emerged was a willingness to accept the new me and lend support with a few conditions.

To this day, however, she will admit to still being confused. Apparently, she is unable to understand, or should I say 'feel' what it means to be transgender. Maybe she will never reach that kind of deep understanding.

Our next step is to start associating with other transgender couples at the CD/TG support/social group that we have joined. I'm hoping the experience will take us both to the next level.

Don't give up, Heather. It can take a long time for a wife to come around to your coming out. Your mutual love will eventually point the way.

Hugs,

Clara

OMG Clara, you were actually so well prepared, whereas I on the other hand could not have prepared myself for the barrage of questions and levels of her un-acceptance. I did not realise she was so anti TV/CD even though she had encountered it 30 years earlier when I first dabbled in it. At that time I did belong to a TV club and I thought she was somewhat accepting only to find out just recently this was very far from the truth .

I did try to get her involved just a little by her meeting other wives but she said after the first visit " you can forget it , I am not subjecting myself to any more of this " .
She has reminded me of this encounter recently and has clearly remained steadfast in her rejection. When I said that I wanted rejoin the local LGBT group, that too was a big NO NO as far as she is concerned.

Her current stance is that, she thinks I am constantly moving the boundaries, any further advances is bound to bring a parting in our relationship. This does worry me greatly as I know I cannot contain my desire to CD'ing on such a casual basis.

The visit to the doctors has not helped either, as she has now disclosed that she cannot stand " pretty boys" ( it's a bit late for me to be one of those ) so my dilemma grows.

Clara it is clear that your dear wife is infinitely more tolerant and accepting and is willing to try to work with it. My wife admits that she is highly unlikely to come to terms with it and particularly does not want the embarrassment of anyone else knowing. So for now ' It's between a rock and a hard place ' and I can only hope very small steps will lead to very small changes.

I repeat myself, I am so grateful to you for letting me have your experience because it does open the door for me. The one thing in particular that I have learnt ' you cannot take back any disclosure ' once it's out there, that's where it remains.

Take care and many thanks yet again.

Love Heather X

[GoneGirl]

Heather, honey, I'm feeling tremendous empathy for you. I can imagine how disappointed you must feel to have a significant part of you rejected by the one you love. It's so sad.

I've tried to put myself in your position. What would I do in your circumstances? Thank god I'm not faced with the same challenge. I feel very fortunate to be able to move beyond the problem of S.O. acceptance.

My advice is to keep trying. Be gentle, but keep working on her. Try to uncover the real reasons for her rejection. It may stem from some deep emotional insecurity. It may be based on fear. Fear of the unknown, social rejection, or even the loss of her husband. Who knows? She probably doesn't consciously know the root cause of her feelings either, but unless it can be determined and defused, nothing much will change.

Please PM me if you need someone to talk to. Oftentimes that helps.

Hugs,
Clara

[Samantha Rogers]

Wow, I don't know how I missed this thread...oh, well, fashionably late, as always.

Heather, first, I feel so bad for you. I have heard stories like yours so often, both here and on the other site, and it always breaks my heart. As you know, my own situation has been rough, too, though, from the sound of things, at least for now, mine seems somewhat better than yours. For how long I cannot tell. Though she did help me tonight with a coat of clear nail polish, which I take as a good sign, albeit possibly of temporary nature.
There is no real comfort I can offer, but I will say this.... as long as we are caught between pleasing others and pleasing ourselves we will have choices to make. Your TG nature will not go away. Only you can know how much compromise you can bear. If you need and want to preserve your marriage then either you must be willing to compromise or she must change, or both.
You can go slowly, move cautiously and hope for the best. Try being as much the man she loves as much as possible and be careful in the extreme about how and when you express your needs. It may work. I hope so. I hope in time she will be willing to bend. Otherwise, you will need to face a hard choice, or else force her to make it for you. I really hope it does not come to that, sweetheart. Best of luck sweet girl.

As to emotions running high after starting on HRT, it is a given. Everyone that I have spoken with or whose stories I have read, agrees that boosting estrogen or the equivalent Miroestrol, will cause tears at some point. My own experience bears this out. Last January following years of high dosage PM, I was an emotional powder keg, and broke into tears easily, what with my emotions so charged and right beneath the surface. Then, last month, as Estradiol, peaked at around 278, i found myself crying at the flick of an eyelash.
That said, however, I have observed another factor at work. The imagination is a powerful thing, especially when we really want something. With all the publicly traded stereotypes about estrogen in males causing tearful emotions, i think some people imagine this consequence beginning long before it actually does. But there truly is a powerful stage in HRT where the tear factor and wild mood swings become palpable forces. When this happens to you, you will know it. There is no mistaking it. It can be quite scary, as it is so powerful. And when combined with any of a number of possible complicating factors - spouse or relationship difficulties, lack of acceptance, job problems or monetary issues, self esteem issues - well, it is no wonder there is a high rate of suicide among our kind.
It is so vital that we monitor ourselves for signs of these difficulties. And equally important that we reach out to others within our somewhat odd little online family here if we sense they are experiencing problems. For many of us, the only people in our lives that "get" what we are going through are those on this board. For some, in real life, there is no one to whom to turn for support. I hope everyone here understands the responsibility we bear toward each other. Far from a bother, it is an honor and a gift.

[Heather-H]

Clara & Sammi,
I am moved to tears, honestly, you girls are so kind and supportive. Maybe one day my experiences will allow me to have the wisdom you have now. Above all it's the warmth and empathy you so readily apply that makes me so happy to be part of this social group and it is indeed an honour to be included.

As of today it seems that it's "one step forward and three back" my wife has just said that if I proceed with the next appointment then that's "us finished" !
She has clearly been thinking about it more than I gave credit for, with 45 years of marriage behind us it's a 'no - brainer' !

I know in my heart whilst it's the sensible choice to back off it will not sit well in my mind. This seems a good time to apply some retail therapy to reduce the turmoil that is going on inside me.

My wife ( don't get me wrong, she can be very loving and generous ) has a memory of an elephant, she even brings up issues like the first car radio I bought instead of a household item over 40 years ago ..... True So I know this saga is bound to stand the test of time.

The saying ' Life's a bitch and then we die ' certainly has a ring to it .

Love you girls more than you think.

Your dear friend
Heather Xx

[tinad]

Wow, I don't know how I missed this thread...oh, well, fashionably late, as always.


There is no mistaking it. It can be quite scary, as it is so powerful. And when combined with any of a number of possible complicating factors - spouse or relationship difficulties, lack of acceptance, job problems or monetary issues, self esteem issues - well, it is no wonder there is a high rate of suicide among our kind.
It is so vital that we monitor ourselves for signs of these difficulties. And equally important that we reach out to others within our somewhat odd little online family here if we sense they are experiencing problems. For many of us, the only people in our lives that "get" what we are going through are those on this board. For some, in real life, there is no one to whom to turn for support. I hope everyone here understands the responsibility we bear toward each other. Far from a bother, it is an honor and a gift.

Hi Samantha & Co

I agree it is a very difficult time for all of us. We have probably all gone through relationship issues of some form or other. It is great that we can openly discuss these in this forum which is a big help. Although each issue or the way it materializes (probably spelt wrong) differs greatly for each of us it is very difficult to predict an outcome based on someone elses experiences. It sure would be disasterous going into a potential conflict thinking that the outcome will be the same as someone else had experienced before. Lets face it relationships are difficult, even without our own particular circumstances. With myself it is up and down all the time. One minute my wife is asking me if she could borrow my nail varnish the next she complaing about me wearing it. Sometimes it is difficult to know where one stands. As Heather says you cannot take back what you have disclosed. On one side trying to be trully honest is what a good relationship is built on, Holding back anything will always lead to conflicts and possible disaster. Timing and the way you present what you want to disclose is everything, although it will cause mistrust somethimes it has to be in the open. Unfortunately it is impossible to trully know what the outcome will be until after something is out. Life is difficult!!!
Making the descision "now is the time to tell" is probably the biggest emotional and life impacting descision we will ever have to make - as it effect so much, not just us, but our relationships with other people and especially those close to us wife/children/close friends.

Tina