24-05-2014, 07:20 AM
For me it started when I was little more than a baby, my mother tells a story about me wanting to play with dolls and she took me to the doctor about it when I was 2 or 3 years old. At 5 years old I have a clear memory of asking a friend if I could wear her beautiful green organza party dress, and at 10 I remember finding a blue cream eyeshadow that belonged to a cousin, and trying that. I have NO idea why I wanted to do any of that, it just seemed a good idea at the time. By 11 or 12 I was wearing my mothers and sisters clothes whenever I got the chance, and by 14-ish, even occasionally going out for a quick walk on a dark evening. I was fortunate that even though I had a deeply religeous family, this activity never seemed wrong to me, its just felt right, even though I was scared rigid of being caught, but I couldn't stop ( didn't want to!). By mid-teens I had collected quite a few bits of my own, hidden around my room, and then one day I went out and threw it all away. I said to myself, "Why do this? You've got a lovely girlfriend, you don't need it, she is far prettier than you'll ever be." It wasn't long before the urge came back as strong as ever.
By early 20's my GF was my wife. I had told her about my inner drive before we married and she said it was OK with her ( it wasn't really but she tolerated it for my sake). I also had a talk with myself and thought about options including a sex-change, but I had never felt that "I was a woman trapped in a mans body" and I was quite clear and happy that that route wasn't for me, and that is a decision that I am still very happy with. I've gone through the subsequent 40 years with on-off binges of cross-dressing followed by abstinence, never knowing when or why it would come or go, although knowing what I know now, I can look back and see what I think are triggers to many of those stop-starts.
Yes, I'm now absolutely convinced that my brain craves a degree of femaleness that my body can't naturally provide. For most of my life I have attempted to satisfy that need with clothes, makeup, shoes, etc. That works for a short term fix, and I believe, is why it has never felt 'wrong' to me - how could my brain feeling peace, ever make my brain feel that it is doing something wrong?? However, it's a bit like a junkie needing a stronger and stronger fix, I needed more and more time 'dressed' but it became less and less satisfying. Sooner or later the whole thing would 'explode', my male side would rebel and reassert itself, everything would get dumped for a while and then the merry-go-round starts all over again! Looking back, often that rebellion would actually be triggered by an outside emotional pressure, such as redundancy at work, etc, which required the male me to get his act in gear so that life could continue, and stop mucking about as a pretend female(!).
PM seems to have changed that pattern. I believe that it gives my brain the chemical fix it needs to achieve that pre-programmed balance and because it is internal, the external quick-fix of cross-dressing isn't needed.
Sorry if this has been long winded!
By early 20's my GF was my wife. I had told her about my inner drive before we married and she said it was OK with her ( it wasn't really but she tolerated it for my sake). I also had a talk with myself and thought about options including a sex-change, but I had never felt that "I was a woman trapped in a mans body" and I was quite clear and happy that that route wasn't for me, and that is a decision that I am still very happy with. I've gone through the subsequent 40 years with on-off binges of cross-dressing followed by abstinence, never knowing when or why it would come or go, although knowing what I know now, I can look back and see what I think are triggers to many of those stop-starts.
Yes, I'm now absolutely convinced that my brain craves a degree of femaleness that my body can't naturally provide. For most of my life I have attempted to satisfy that need with clothes, makeup, shoes, etc. That works for a short term fix, and I believe, is why it has never felt 'wrong' to me - how could my brain feeling peace, ever make my brain feel that it is doing something wrong?? However, it's a bit like a junkie needing a stronger and stronger fix, I needed more and more time 'dressed' but it became less and less satisfying. Sooner or later the whole thing would 'explode', my male side would rebel and reassert itself, everything would get dumped for a while and then the merry-go-round starts all over again! Looking back, often that rebellion would actually be triggered by an outside emotional pressure, such as redundancy at work, etc, which required the male me to get his act in gear so that life could continue, and stop mucking about as a pretend female(!).
PM seems to have changed that pattern. I believe that it gives my brain the chemical fix it needs to achieve that pre-programmed balance and because it is internal, the external quick-fix of cross-dressing isn't needed.
Sorry if this has been long winded!
