[Samantha Rogers]

Thanks Sammie. You may be right, I don't know, sometimes we are too close to something to see it clearly ourselves.
Yes, in the past dressing has itself sometimes been a relief from the everyday stresses of life, my first wife would sometimes say "You need to go and be beautiful.", even when I hadn't realised it for myself!

Currently, this has a different feel, S's health is a constant concern, but has been since we first met 11 years ago. At that time, the chances of her dying, literally at any moment, were very high. That is no longer the case, but her overall level of health gets a tiny bit worse with each passing day, so in reality nothing much has changed in that sense. During that time I've gone from not dressing at all, to almost fulltime ( with her approval and encouragement), to back to nothing. I'm sure that PM is playing a role in it, but don't quite know how.

I'm in danger of overthinking this now, instead of simply accepting that "I am what I am", as have done all my life, and accepting whatever comes.

Well, I hear you, Pansy. I am more than a little sad for your wife and you. I can well understand PM taking the edge off the need. I think that for many, prior to anykind of hormonal interference, whether from NBE or pharma based HRT, the stress of high testosterone adds a sexual dynamic to one degree or another, and this figures into the subject of dressing as a relief from stress. But as these marvelous hormones change our chemistry and reduce that sexual drive dramatically, a different kind of desire to dress manifests itself in some but not all. A desire based on the simple joy of reconnecting with the feminine, to whatever degree that strain is part of us. And even in those who do experience this continued need, the intensity varies according to many factors. But I belief, in most cases, depression and anguish will take the edge off the psychological need since feeling good and enjoying that reconnection is counterbalanced by the anguish, and totally outweighed by the potential guilt that might be associated with allowing oneself to be happy while a loved one is in peril or distress. I can well remember times when my mother was dying, and it just felt so alien an wrong to allow myself to laugh, smile or feel joy about anything under the circumstances. In the case of a slow, torturous degenerative condition such as you describe, I would imagine the relentless psychological stress on you could well be overwhelming.Do you think there is something to this?
To put it another way, I am reminded of a thread where Clara noted that despite a thick cloud of pink enveloping her a month or two ago, that when she became sick, her male side came charging back in. Perhaps, for those of us with a GID, moments of distress cause the mind to fall back on the somber security of the masculine?
Regardless, and all talk or thought of gender issues aside, I really do feel for you. If you need to talk sometime, Please pm me. I am more than willing to listen, honey. Really.
Hugs

[Pansy-Mae]

....In the case of a slow, torturous degenerative condition such as you describe, I would imagine the relentless psychological stress on you could well be overwhelming.Do you think there is something to this?

Well, before we met, her doctor had said, " Live every day as though it is your last, because it very well might be." She told me that on the first time we met, and we've done our best to take doctors advice ever since! - we've slept under the stars in the desert in Jordan, we've fished for (and caught!) Piranha in the Orinocco, and we are off to Marrakech on Thursday! We've done all sorts of things together that I wouldn't have dreamed of before and she still has Machu Pichu and the Great Wall of China on her bucket list! So please don't think we live a minute to minute 'sick room' existence, although I'd be a liar if I said that life doesn't also have its bad times. Many people have said that they don't know how I stand the strain, but as I've always said in reply, I married her knowing the score, knowing that she might be dead on the floor any day when I get home or might not wake up one morning. Knowing that, you simply accept it, put it to one side and get on with living. We will have had 11 years together in August and we doubted that it would be 11 months at the beginning, so every day is literally a bonus, not a threat.

....that when she became sick, her male side came charging back in. Perhaps, for those of us with a GID, moments of distress cause the mind to fall back on the somber security of the masculine?

Could be, but for me at least, I think it is not so much falling back on "the sombre security of the masculine", more the masculine sitting quietly in the background watching Pansy faff about with 'pretties' etc, until comes the time when he is forced to say, "OK now its my turn to sort out the priorities of life that she has ignored and got us into a mess. So now is her time to go and sit quietly whilst I do what is necessary."

[rachel-rache]

I am trying to find out what level of GID and how similar I am to others on here. I would think that many of the people here fit more into the range of not gender dysphoric enough to fully transition and get prescription HRT, but clearly not male enough to not consider having breasts and becoming more feminine.

For those with some form of GID that have a "sexual" orientation for women that says you have to imagine yourself as a woman to orgasm, how will you describe your romantic interests to them? I know gender identity and sexual orientation are considered independent, but there is still a link between them. I romantically love women, but in terms of "sexual" desires, I can only go as far as giving sensual love, kissing her all over, particularly on her nipples etc. However, the actual act of doing anything with my penis isn't very natural to me. I am wondering how common this is. I basically think my brain is wired romantically as a male, but is wired to have a female sexuality. When I am sexually aroused, I basically feel 100% female.

However, this sexual identity as a female can really confuse you and throw a wrench into the rest of your life when you're trying to determine who you are. Even when you don't think you are aroused, you still likely are to some degree, and it plays into your feelings and personality subconsciously at minimum. For example, a heterosexual man sees an attractive girl that he knows he's not going to hit it off with, but regardless, still in a way flirts with her or does something different that he may not normally do if the girl wasn't as attractive (speaking from experience). I think our sexuality is just built in to our everyday lives. So, throw in this female sexuality part, and things get confusing! If being sexually aroused was a wild flame, I would constantly feel these burning embers that push me to expressing myself as a girl. And when these burning embers stay with you 24/7, things really get confusing and you wonder if that's just who you really are. Supposedly there was a study done with genetic girls that show how many of them would be considered transvestites. Perhaps the neural pathways of the pleasure that drives girls to look like attractive females really isn't too different from the sexual pathways, these continuous burning embers.

As for my childhood I think it was very typically male until puberty except for these few things. For as young as I can remember, I've always had fantasies of transforming into things/creatures and I even got erect somehow!(because I would remember trying to pound my penis down whenever it got stiff). So far, I haven't ran into anyone that has had similar experiences. I've always been entranced by makeup commercials, and their ability to transform someone to look so good (but maybe that was just being entranced by beautiful women?). When puberty hit, sexual arousal was dominated by forced feminization through makeup, and then everything just snowballed from there to anything feminine. I remember already reading about men with manly features, wishing they did not have that, and looking at myself basically as a boy and trying to savor the moments of not being all masculinized yet, constantly looking at my shoulders to see how much they have grown and convince myself that they aren't or are not really growing.


From college on for 10 years, I did not pursue any GID related endeavors other than masturbation because I felt the stress of trying to hide clothing, etc. would not be worth the pleasure I feel. Now with some clothing, I am trying to make sure I learn from others and don't go through purge cycles, and balance out what's best for myself and the rest of my life and career.

At the age of 28, I also don't like being identified as a man, it feels awkward to me, but I feel that may be because it has a "being old" nuance to it and I don't want to/ don't feel that old. However, I feel comfortable being called a guy.

So, at least for me, I can't remember one day since puberty that I haven't thought of wanting to be a girl and wondering what it's like to be a girl.

With all this said however, I still think there's a chance that I may be hypermale, but that's a whole different thread topic.

[GoneGirl]

I can relate to what you've described about yourself, bobowo. It can be very hard to separate one's sexuality from one's gender identity. I found it almost impossible to do so before shifting my sex hormone balance, and finally resolving my own gender dysphoria.

As a young prepubescent boy I was attracted to femininity in a non-sexual way. When puberty came I continued my admiration of femininity with sexual arousal added in. My gender identity was consciously that of a boy, or so I thought. My assigned gender and my physical attraction to girls fit the model of a normal male, or so I thought.

It wasn't till years later that I realized that my attraction to women was more than sexual. I had an affinity to women that seemed to extend well beyond that of other men. I liked being near women. I liked the sensibility of women. I even found myself envious of women's physical beauty. I realized that I had a feminine side to my personality, but the implications were still hidden from me.

When I got married at the young age of 21, I discovered that my role as a man in the sex act was not particularly natural for me. Oh, I could see it through, but there wasn't that deep down satisfaction one normally experiences by having a sexual orgasm with a lover. This troubled me, to be sure. I just couldn't understand the dynamic of being attracted to women physically, becoming sexually aroused, but not being able to let go and enjoy the sex act. Something psychologically was blocking my ability to achieve orgasm during coitus unless I distracted myself with mental images and fantasies. I'm sure that my sexual inadequacy contributed to the break up of my marriage. I had become dependent on porn for sexual release mixed with spurts of cross dressing that I found incredibly arousing, but caused too much shame and guilt for me to embrace as a regular activity.

I did attempt to learn more about human sexuality to better understand myself, but nothing was very helpful. Most books on the subject wanted to characterize sexual behavior on a statistical basis with social and moral overtones, and made me out as some kind of pervert in need of professional counseling. Therapy was a waste of time.

Certain sexually oriented literature (e.g., Penthouse Forum) pointed to a diversity of sexual behavior, but did little to resolve my struggle. It wasn't until the internet came about that I began to realize that I was not alone in the world with a crazy mixed up sexuality. But even that didn't lead to a clear understanding of myself. I continued to suffer with what I eventually came to understand was gender dysphoria. It all happened more or less by accident. I was 66 years old when the curtain was lifted. Can you imagine a lifetime of GD? It's a testament to the ability of human beings to adjust to, and endure, trying circumstances.

So now my GD is gone. It was caused by a gender identity that was drowning in a sea of testosterone. All it took was to lower my T and the anxiety vanished. Of course, now I'm dealing with the long suppressed development of my feminine psyche. It's like going through puberty all over again except as a girl instead of a boy. But, it's fun this time, and it's revitalizing. In many ways, it's like being born again. Not in a religious context, but as a new person whose whole life is ahead of them, and wondering what lies ahead. It's quite exciting.

Clara

[GoneGirl]

Just to add to my previous post....
My sexual attraction to femininity has not been altered since my HRT started. Technically, my sexual orientation is that of a 'male-lesbian'....LOL. Talk about a contradiction in terms!

I know that awakening one's female gender identity can present a problem for the wife if she's hetero, and is distracted or even repulsed by the feminine side of her otherwise male lover. Fortunately, my wife is not concerned about that. I believe that she still sees in me the person that she has always loved, and the physical packaging is not what's important. Or, maybe, she always been capable of going either way. She hasn't admitted so, if it's true. It doesn't really matter, so I don't press the question. Would I ever find satisfaction in being attracted to masculine men? Nope, I can't imagine that.

Clara

[Samantha Rogers]

....In the case of a slow, torturous degenerative condition such as you describe, I would imagine the relentless psychological stress on you could well be overwhelming.Do you think there is something to this?

Well, before we met, her doctor had said, " Live every day as though it is your last, because it very well might be." She told me that on the first time we met, and we've done our best to take doctors advice ever since! - we've slept under the stars in the desert in Jordan, we've fished for (and caught!) Piranha in the Orinocco, and we are off to Marrakech on Thursday! We've done all sorts of things together that I wouldn't have dreamed of before and she still has Machu Pichu and the Great Wall of China on her bucket list! So please don't think we live a minute to minute 'sick room' existence, although I'd be a liar if I said that life doesn't also have its bad times. Many people have said that they don't know how I stand the strain, but as I've always said in reply, I married her knowing the score, knowing that she might be dead on the floor any day when I get home or might not wake up one morning. Knowing that, you simply accept it, put it to one side and get on with living. We will have had 11 years together in August and we doubted that it would be 11 months at the beginning, so every day is literally a bonus, not a threat.

....that when she became sick, her male side came charging back in. Perhaps, for those of us with a GID, moments of distress cause the mind to fall back on the somber security of the masculine?

Could be, but for me at least, I think it is not so much falling back on "the sombre security of the masculine", more the masculine sitting quietly in the background watching Pansy faff about with 'pretties' etc, until comes the time when he is forced to say, "OK now its my turn to sort out the priorities of life that she has ignored and got us into a mess. So now is her time to go and sit quietly whilst I do what is necessary."

I get it now Pansy. From what you describe, I have a much clearer picture. Ironic as it may be, you may well have a better life situation in many ways than others in perfect health. Your love for your wife is clear and beautiful, and being forced to live "moment by moment" actually places you in a state much closer to the authenticity we all seek, perhaps? Regardless, I feel better now. Though I am sure it is still rough and hard at times, in most other ways it seems a truly beautiful thing. I hope you both get to Machu Pichu.

And as to the other discussion, it is worth noting the theory that many of us, for whatever reason, exit the womb hard wired so that when we dress our brains release the same kind of pleasure producing endorphins that most males feel when in physical proximity to attractive women. So becoming female feels as good as being with a woman. This is a fairly well researched theory from what I have learned, and does go a long way, if true, to explaining a lot things.

[Pansy-Mae]

it is worth noting the theory that many of us, for whatever reason, exit the womb hard wired so that when we dress our brains release the same kind of pleasure producing endorphins that most males feel when in physical proximity to attractive women. So becoming female feels as good as being with a woman. This is a fairly well researched theory from what I have learned, and does go a long way, if true, to explaining a lot things.

Getting the discussion back on track, I must admit that I've never heard this theory before, but I like it! It certainly does fit my experiences in many ways and it fits with the concept of the hormonal pre-conditioning of the brain in the womb. Brain says, "Gimme the 'female' I'm programmed for and I'll give you pleasure".

I also like Clara's comment above, 'Technically, my sexual orientation is that of a 'male-lesbian'... ' . I used to use that expression to refer to myself many years ago. I have no interest in men, sexually or otherwise. I prefer women in every way and always have done, and to be accepted by women in my female persona is just heaven to me, as to many if not most cross dressers, in my experience.

[GoneGirl]

I prefer women in every way and always have done, and to be accepted by women in my female persona is just heaven to me, as to many if not most cross dressers, in my experience.

I can see that being true, although the only woman if been in the presence of while dressed is my wife. But, I prefer the company of women given the choice.

Somehow I got the same positive vibes being in the company of other crossdressers when I attended my first TG support meeting. It was an uplifting experience to be in the company of people who accept me without reservation. What also surprised me is that I accepted THEM without the slightest hesitation. It was wonderful stepping out of the closet finally. I'm going to enjoy being a part of this group. Unfortunately, our next meeting is not until July.

Wow! I'm really getting off topic. Maybe we need a new thread.

Clara

[Samantha Rogers]

Pansy, here is how a member from another board described the theory (paraphrased)


The brain is hard-wired to interpret dressing as actual contact with a female.Cross-dressing causes your brain to release a host of neurotransmitters which produce the sensations of well-being, pleasure, gratification and bonding associated with "contact with a female". These important neurotransmitters associated with sex include dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin.
Sensations of euphoria are associated with dopamine. Dopamine is very interesting and important in sex. It is the driver an it gives us compulsive behavior, the expectation of gratification, and pleasure.


Makes a lot of sense to me...

[GoneGirl]

Pansy, here is how a member from another board described the theory (paraphrased)


The brain is hard-wired to interpret dressing as actual contact with a female.Cross-dressing causes your brain to release a host of neurotransmitters which produce the sensations of well-being, pleasure, gratification and bonding associated with "contact with a female". These important neurotransmitters associated with sex include dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin.
Sensations of euphoria are associated with dopamine. Dopamine is very interesting and important in sex. It is the driver an it gives us compulsive behavior, the expectation of gratification, and pleasure.


Makes a lot of sense to me...

The makes sense to me, too, but I want to understand the difference between cisgender males who like to crossdress, and transgender males who llke to crossdress.

Clara