[Samantha Rogers]

So, I am sitting in my car in the rain, having escaped my office for a few moments at lunchtime, and feeling a little blue and thoughtful. Admittedly, I understand my recent emotional moodiness is somewhat caused by hormonal changes, but other issues are at play as well.
But I was thinking about identity.
I am an actor, after all, so this figures in my thinking a lot. Lol
Back in drama school we had a speech instructor who was charged with teaching us how to strip our speech of regional accent and then to learn how to adopt various accents and patterns to suit various characters. He always began with a talk designed to prepare new students for who at was to come. It essentially said be not offended at being told your lifelong habits of speech are wrong. It is not personal but it is difficult to hear criticism of speech because our voice is so directly associated with our self image and basic identity. Hearing it dissected clinically "feels" like an attack on who we are.
My thinking today, remembering those days was this....if simply changing how we speak can so profoundly affect our emotions and perception of identity, then how much more powerful is changing a lifetime of built up perceptions, habits and images revolving around the far deeper issues of gender, whether internally or physically. I realize for some there is only a correction of the external to match what the internal has always been, but for some of us the lines, while just as distressing, have not been so clear, and the necessary corrections are more subtle. Things are often shades of gray rather than black and white. I wonder which is truly more difficult?
Not looking for advice or fixes, just conjecturing.
This is a very complex business, made more so by a lifetime of experience and accumulated responsibilities, and that without even adding in the external affects of societal attitudes. I find it no wonder at all that so many give up entirely.
Sorry if this is a downer. Like I said, just a little blue ...and the hormones and the rain...you know?

[Lotus]

Sammie needs a hug!



Hugs, sweet cheeks!!

[GoneGirl]

So, I am sitting in my car in the rain, having escaped my office for a few moments at lunchtime, and feeling a little blue and thoughtful. Admittedly, I understand my recent emotional moodiness is somewhat caused by hormonal changes, but other issues are at play as well.
But I was thinking about identity.
I am an actor, after all, so this figures in my thinking a lot. Lol
Back in drama school we had a speech instructor who was charged with teaching us how to strip our speech of regional accent and then to learn how to adopt various accents and patterns to suit various characters. He always began with a talk designed to prepare new students for who at was to come. It essentially said be not offended at being told your lifelong habits of speech are wrong. It is not personal but it is difficult to hear criticism of speech because our voice is so directly associated with our self image and basic identity. Hearing it dissected clinically "feels" like an attack on who we are.
My thinking today, remembering those days was this....if simply changing how we speak can so profoundly affect our emotions and perception of identity, then how much more powerful is changing a lifetime of built up perceptions, habits and images revolving around the far deeper issues of gender, whether internally or physically. I realize for some there is only a correction of the external to match what the internal has always been, but for some of us the lines, while just as distressing, have not been so clear, and the necessary corrections are more subtle. Things are often shades of gray rather than black and white. I wonder which is truly more difficult?
Not looking for advice or fixes, just conjecturing.
This is a very complex business, made more so by a lifetime of experience and accumulated responsibilities, and that without even adding in the external affects of societal attitudes. I find it no wonder at all that so many give up entirely.
Sorry if this is a downer. Like I said, just a little blue ...and the hormones and the rain...you know?

Gee, Sammie, I wonder if this 'blue' feeling is simply part of the let down after a major en femme outing like both you and I had on Saturday. I have to admit feeling rather introspective the next day, as well. A rehash of all the questions about what it all means. Who am I really?

Well, part of that question has been answered. I came away from my Chi Chapter outing with the startling realization that I am a transgender, a trans, not a male, but not a female either. Did I know that before? Honestly, no I didn't. I thought of myself as two different people one male and the other female. But, now I see myself as one person who is transgender, 100% of the time. In a way it's therapeutic to latch onto that rock as something solid in a world that has been anything but solid over the past year. When I recall that you, Sammie, have been transitioning for 4 years, the hope of this upheaval in my life settling down anytime soon, is fast disappearing. Get used to it, kid!

Along with the revelation that I'm trans, came the a second slap in the face. I'm going to have to reintegrate into the world as my new-found identity. Eventually. That requires 'coming out' to others over time as the situation demands. For example, my son and I were working outdoors on Memorial Day in the heat and humidity so common in Illinois. I wore a light T-shirt that revealed my breasts and nipples quite clearly in certain unavoidable body stances. I could tell he noticed my having boobs. Not moobs, mind you, feminine looking boobs. He was tactful enough not to comment. But, one day, the changes will be too hard to ignore and I'll have to explain what's going on with me. Repeat this person by person over the next year, and my new identity is established for good or for bad. This all happens even if I don't plan to live as a woman 24/7 which I don't. It's not necessary to live as a man or as a woman; I will live as a trans. What my new identity will look and act like is not known at this point. It is a work in progress. The discovery continues.........

Clara

[Karren]

You need to do wheat I do on down days..... its called CHOCOLATE!! works every time!

[GoneGirl]

You need to do wheat I do on down days..... its called CHOCOLATE!! works every time!

Or as suggested by our own dear Heather -- retail therapy!

Clara

[GoneGirl]

I hope you are feeling better today, Sammie.

Clara

[Samantha Rogers]

Hey, thanks girls. Im fine, really. It was just a blue day yesterday...rain...hormones...lol...having an E level at 278.8 is bound to cause the occasional teariness. Its all good, especially the hugs and chocolate. Tee hee.

[undecided]

You need to do wheat I do on down days..... its called CHOCOLATE!! works every time!

You have to watch out for that chocolate hon, it`ll go right to your hips

[SarahSchilling]

You need to do wheat I do on down days..... its called CHOCOLATE!! works every time!

You have to watch out for that chocolate hon, it`ll go right to your hips

I wish it went there! I think you mean tummy. lol

[Samantha Rogers]

If it would go to my hips and tush I would actually be happy...lol.Sadly, as Sarah says, it always seems to go to my tummy...sigh. Wouldn't it be nice if we could place it only where we wanted it?