13-07-2014, 02:24 PM
Dear Friends,
I'm too emotionally exhausted to recompose this and I know it will be confusing but it captures the essence of what's going on and the heartbreak I'm feeling right now. It's my response to a private message from PattiTJ:
I really do appreciate your honest feedback that perhaps I've moved too fast but I don't think so. There was certainly a course adjustment a year and a half ago but my wife knew maybe 30% long before that and even had inklings before we got married. I wouldn't call it informed consent but she knew some of what I barely understood myself. The feelings have intensified as I got older but they have been with me as far back as my memory goes to early childhood. Finding this forum, PM and E2 have been a godsend helping me to deal with (suddenly perhaps) the emotional side of all this but it has not removed the feelings all together. Yes, a lot changed in the last year and a half but only because things have been stuffed for the last 44 years.
Surprisingly, our relationship dramatically improved since I gave full disclosure that fateful weekend in Feb 2013. We found new depths of emotional intimacy neither one of us ever imagined. My irritability was replaced with a lasting calmness and I've experienced true happiness for the first time in my life that she and others have openly acknowledged. Things were going great to say the least. We found an acceptable compromise that I would not take transition too far and always present myself as her "husband" but I would be allowed to grow my hair longer and be a little more androgynous, especially in the way I dress. I finally felt comfortable being myself around her and she was fine with that. No dresses or makeup in public mind you or anything that call attention to myself, but with her, in private, I could do whatever felt comfortable. It's been a happy medium and even my sister-in-law said she suspected nothing and had no idea whatsoever that something was up with me. My wife's confession to her was not malicious. As she is prone to do, it just came out without forethought. My sister-in-law has, in the past, been one of my wife's closest sisters / friend but things have been strained lately for reasons that are irrelevant to this situation. They were simply working things out with that when my wife happen to spill the beans about my secret. She has a long history of blurting out sensitive information without thinking but this was, without a doubt, the biggest, dumbest, most careless example to date. She is slowly realizing just how perilous a position she has put me, our relationship and our family in. I know, it's amazing that she could be so absent minded but, surprisingly, that's all it was.
I'm still numb from the shock of it all and I'm so hurt that I'd like to say the hell with her but I can't. Shes been the most loyal friend I've ever had. For all the pain she has inflicted, she has matched it all with love and acceptance unlike any I've ever known from anyone. I hate what she has done and the looming potential harm it could cause down the road but I'd be devastated without her. If I stay and forgive her, things might be good again for a while (maybe forever) but there's a chance the secret could get out and our world will collapse or I could exit now, giving myself the freedom to do what I've always desired but at the incredible cost of three relationships that keep me alive, namely my wife, son and daughter. Neither option, staying or going, looks all that attractive at the moment. So, I suppose I'll stay.
As for talking, I appreciate the offer and I may even take you up on it, but not right now. I was angry about the situation when I wrote to you yesterday morning but it quickly turned to utter sorrow. Between the tears and shaking, it took 3 hours to get through my morning shower. After that, I went to see a friend from my local transgender support group. During the short trip to her house, I got an email from my sister-in-law telling me she had already, tearfully and regrettably, shared my secret with her husband because she was overwhelmed by what she had learned about me from my wife. I shed a raincloud of tears the rest of the way to my friends house and during our meeting. It was helpful nonetheless and afterwards I attended Saturday evening church during which I cried from the moment I sat down till I got up to leave. When I got home, I ask my wife to go for a walk with what I can only describe as supernatural strength and we talked, matter of factly about all that had transpired. There was no affection like usual but also no anger, just sadness and facts. Somehow I got to sleep without soaking my pillow but this morning the tears are near again to my eyes and I'm tossed to and fro with thoughts of what I should do now.
I appreciate the listening ear and your thoughts but honestly, I don't expect you to have the "answer" I need at this critical moment in my life and relationship. Just provoking me to write by asking questions is helpful which is exactly why this forum has been so good for me. It's my diary. It (and it's members) have helped me immensely to chronicle my life and "air out" my thoughts until they become clear. It's probably why I found the happy medium I spoke of earlier. So thanks again for listening and thinking of me lately. Knowing there are many out there like me gives me great comfort that words cannot describe. Thanks so much!
***Thanks also to Flamesabers and Sarah for being there for me yesterday as this all unfolded. Your part was in no small way, strength that helped me through this very hard day.
I'm too emotionally exhausted to recompose this and I know it will be confusing but it captures the essence of what's going on and the heartbreak I'm feeling right now. It's my response to a private message from PattiTJ:
I really do appreciate your honest feedback that perhaps I've moved too fast but I don't think so. There was certainly a course adjustment a year and a half ago but my wife knew maybe 30% long before that and even had inklings before we got married. I wouldn't call it informed consent but she knew some of what I barely understood myself. The feelings have intensified as I got older but they have been with me as far back as my memory goes to early childhood. Finding this forum, PM and E2 have been a godsend helping me to deal with (suddenly perhaps) the emotional side of all this but it has not removed the feelings all together. Yes, a lot changed in the last year and a half but only because things have been stuffed for the last 44 years.
Surprisingly, our relationship dramatically improved since I gave full disclosure that fateful weekend in Feb 2013. We found new depths of emotional intimacy neither one of us ever imagined. My irritability was replaced with a lasting calmness and I've experienced true happiness for the first time in my life that she and others have openly acknowledged. Things were going great to say the least. We found an acceptable compromise that I would not take transition too far and always present myself as her "husband" but I would be allowed to grow my hair longer and be a little more androgynous, especially in the way I dress. I finally felt comfortable being myself around her and she was fine with that. No dresses or makeup in public mind you or anything that call attention to myself, but with her, in private, I could do whatever felt comfortable. It's been a happy medium and even my sister-in-law said she suspected nothing and had no idea whatsoever that something was up with me. My wife's confession to her was not malicious. As she is prone to do, it just came out without forethought. My sister-in-law has, in the past, been one of my wife's closest sisters / friend but things have been strained lately for reasons that are irrelevant to this situation. They were simply working things out with that when my wife happen to spill the beans about my secret. She has a long history of blurting out sensitive information without thinking but this was, without a doubt, the biggest, dumbest, most careless example to date. She is slowly realizing just how perilous a position she has put me, our relationship and our family in. I know, it's amazing that she could be so absent minded but, surprisingly, that's all it was.
I'm still numb from the shock of it all and I'm so hurt that I'd like to say the hell with her but I can't. Shes been the most loyal friend I've ever had. For all the pain she has inflicted, she has matched it all with love and acceptance unlike any I've ever known from anyone. I hate what she has done and the looming potential harm it could cause down the road but I'd be devastated without her. If I stay and forgive her, things might be good again for a while (maybe forever) but there's a chance the secret could get out and our world will collapse or I could exit now, giving myself the freedom to do what I've always desired but at the incredible cost of three relationships that keep me alive, namely my wife, son and daughter. Neither option, staying or going, looks all that attractive at the moment. So, I suppose I'll stay.
As for talking, I appreciate the offer and I may even take you up on it, but not right now. I was angry about the situation when I wrote to you yesterday morning but it quickly turned to utter sorrow. Between the tears and shaking, it took 3 hours to get through my morning shower. After that, I went to see a friend from my local transgender support group. During the short trip to her house, I got an email from my sister-in-law telling me she had already, tearfully and regrettably, shared my secret with her husband because she was overwhelmed by what she had learned about me from my wife. I shed a raincloud of tears the rest of the way to my friends house and during our meeting. It was helpful nonetheless and afterwards I attended Saturday evening church during which I cried from the moment I sat down till I got up to leave. When I got home, I ask my wife to go for a walk with what I can only describe as supernatural strength and we talked, matter of factly about all that had transpired. There was no affection like usual but also no anger, just sadness and facts. Somehow I got to sleep without soaking my pillow but this morning the tears are near again to my eyes and I'm tossed to and fro with thoughts of what I should do now.
I appreciate the listening ear and your thoughts but honestly, I don't expect you to have the "answer" I need at this critical moment in my life and relationship. Just provoking me to write by asking questions is helpful which is exactly why this forum has been so good for me. It's my diary. It (and it's members) have helped me immensely to chronicle my life and "air out" my thoughts until they become clear. It's probably why I found the happy medium I spoke of earlier. So thanks again for listening and thinking of me lately. Knowing there are many out there like me gives me great comfort that words cannot describe. Thanks so much!
***Thanks also to Flamesabers and Sarah for being there for me yesterday as this all unfolded. Your part was in no small way, strength that helped me through this very hard day.
