I just want to say thank you to all my sisters who have contributed to this thread, and for the wisdom, insight and humanity of your posts, which have been so very helpful to myself and my DW (as well I hope to Misty) as we embark on a journey together down a road that leads we know not where. Some of our present thinking is in my last reply to Sammie's 'Whats is it Worth' thread. J still has some problems coping with some of what is happening, Her first reaction to a print of the photograph I put up here before adopting my present avatar was 'Who is she"; she simply didn't recognize it, and is still surprised a t the degree of femininity she reckons it shows. Encouragingly, she reckons my voice is 'not too bad', which I find difficulty in believing. Possibly my relative lack of masculine traits makes it somewhat androgynous. Thank you again, sisters.

I had something happen this evening that goes to the heart of the argument you made, Sammie, about the challenges of transgenderism and how for many it's transition or die.

This afternoon I was reading the book Head Over Heals - Wives Who Stay With Cross-dressers and Transsexuals by Virginia Erhardt, a clinical psychologist and gender specialist. The book is a compendium of 28 women's accounts of their personal struggle to deal with the transgender/cross-dressing natures of their husbands which in most cases they were unaware of when they married.

I'm just past the half way point, and I'm not sure I can finish reading it. Despite the fact that most of these women come to accept their husbands' transgenderism, most found their way only after working through a four stage developmental process from initial discovery and disclosure, to turmoil, negotiation, and finding balance. Their journeys are an emotional gauntlet that often encompassed shock, hurt, rage, fear, anxiety, and shame. It's hard to read about these wives' anguish.

My DW and I sat together this evening as I read Chapter 13, "Leah and Frank/Franki". When I finished we talked about it. I thought that much of it mirrored our own situation while she took some issue with that. As we discussed the details of their account, I expressed my appreciation for my wife's understanding and acceptance of my own transgenderism. I explained how her love and compassion were critical to my having made progress in my struggle.

As the conversation continued, a deep sense of sorrow mixed with joy welled up from within me. Sorrow for all the pain we both have suffered because of this unfortunate prenatal defect, and joy for how we have been able to begin mitigating that suffering.

The book made me realize how close we TGs and our SOs come to finding ourselves abandoned and alone to face the future. The specter of emptiness suddenly appeared before me. I felt the terror of it. I could feel my emotions rise to the surface, and I started to weep. The crying became uncontrolled sobbing. My wife became frightened and held me as I let out my pent up mix of feelings all bottled up inside. I couldn't imagine how I would go on without her love and care. I saw clearly how those deprived of that love, those utterly alone in the world, would be tempted to simply end it all.

I understand how transition can be a necessity for some, when nothing less will stop the bleeding. It truly is transition or die for many transsexuals. I don't think I'm one of them, and I'm grateful for that.

For me, who has advantages many others lack, I may never face that stark reality. My struggle will be to find a way to live out my remaining years as the person I am inside without all the barnacles of false identity that have been weighing me down since birth, now to the breaking point. I don't know how far I have to go to find solace. I can say without reservation that I can never go back to what I was. I look to the future for whatever it has in store.

Clara

".... come to finding ourselves abandoned and alone to face the future..."

Yep. That is it, Clara. But then, think also of compounding that with financial woes from lost jobs, businesses etc. It is terrifying to consider losing everything and facing a bleak, lonely future. For many girls that is the reality. Truthfully, with internal strength and stubbornness it can be overcome, but sadly many do not have the fortitude and internal strength to do so.
Couple that with the organic nature of HRT to heighten emotions and produce depression and it is no wonder the suicide rate is so high.

I believe the conventional wisdom on this is, for most, absolutely correct.

Sigh...would that the world was easier.

Sorry to take your thread down this path, Misty.

Dear Clara, I never cease to be astonished how closely your posts (and your reading!) often reflect my own feelings, but with a clarity of expression that I cannot match. I believe that you must have been a very good engineer before your retirement, and I had dealings with very many engineers in my own profession (my DW's too).
In fact, as long as my own professional career was going well it must have contributed greatly to keeping my GD at bay. Misty, could this have been a factor in your situation, with actions taken to fill a vacuum doing so rather more effectively than you expected?

Sorry to take your thread down this path, Misty.

Sammie,

No worries! I am rather surprised at the responses my original question has generated, but I guess that just goes to show how common the experience actually is. As long as people are civil to one another I see nothing but upside in airing feelings that might otherwise have remained bottled up.

Misty

Misty, could this have been a factor in your situation, with actions taken to fill a vacuum doing so rather more effectively than you expected?

Annie,

Perhaps in the past -- I'm not sure. I am still employed, however, in my "dream job" working for my alma mater (the US Air Force Academy) as a civilian (post military retirement).

I derive a lot of satisfaction from that job, so I can't really say that it relieves my GD -- at least for now. I am an engineer as well and I *really love* my job.

Misty

Perhaps in the past -- I'm not sure. I am still employed, however, in my "dream job" working for my alma mater (the US Air Force Academy) as a civilian (post military retirement).

I derive a lot of satisfaction from that job, so I can't really say that it relieves my GD -- at least for now. I am an engineer as well and I *really love* my job.

Misty

It looks like I was wrong there. I got a lot of satisfaction out of my own job for many years after coming to Canada, but when the self appointed managing partner of my firm, who was in fact a very poor manager, became autocratic but ineffectual because of a multitude of health problems which rendered him non-functional for much of the time, I found myself thrust by default into additionally trying to manage the firm invisibly from behind witout the experience and assertivenes to do so. and later involved in the engineering of a reverse takeover - very stressful, definitely no longer enjoyable, and ultimately destructive of my own health and effectiveness. I'm happy you're not in that sort of position and have a job you love.

Perhaps in the past -- I'm not sure. I am still employed, however, in my "dream job" working for my alma mater (the US Air Force Academy) as a civilian (post military retirement).

I derive a lot of satisfaction from that job, so I can't really say that it relieves my GD -- at least for now. I am an engineer as well and I *really love* my job.

Misty

It looks like I was wrong there. I got a lot of satisfaction out of my own job for many years after coming to Canada, but when the self appointed managing partner of my firm, who was in fact a very poor manager, became autocratic but ineffectual because of a multitude of health problems which rendered him non-functional for much of the time, I found myself thrust by default into additionally trying to manage the firm invisibly from behind witout the experience and assertivenes to do so. and later involved in the engineering of a reverse takeover - very stressful, definitely no longer enjoyable, and ultimately destructive of my own health and effectiveness. I'm happy you're not in that sort of position and have a job you love.

Annie, funny you should relate a story like that, every single job I have ever had ended similarly (most cases worse) part of why I started my own business.

Misty,
I think we all question what is right for us. Deep down inside we know what is right and untill we match what is on are outside to what is in are hearts we will never be satisfied. Plenty of times I question myself and say why am I doing this and then I get that deep feeling I my gut that tells me this is the right direction for me.

I was kinda sceptical with PM in the beginning, never plan to transition, but after years with only PM, combined with permanent hair removal, growing long hair and slight voice adjustment, nobody believe I'm not a woman.

It's interesting that you're seeing a similar result to losing weight. I had always thought that to really feminize one would have to lose all the weight first and then slowly put it back on. I have the feeling that if I were to put it back on now it would form in typically female places (my thighs, butt, and breasts) rather than in the male places.

Misty

Hi Misty, I was able to get down from 225lb to 167lb ( I am 5`10 ), during the last month or so, being on vacation, drinking beer, going to partys ect,ect. I have let my eating habbits slip a little, I seem to have gained 10lb but as you suspect its gone to my hips, my butt, and my chest. My waist and chest have changed very little, but the breast and butt area have gained an inch. I would suspect you will find the same conditions happening to you, If you gained the weight back on.

I have taken to wear a tight tank tops under my normal tshirts, to minimise the chest development. Although it is worth noting, what I see looking down, is not that obvious when looking in the mirror.