[Jaded Jade]

Amen Samantha!

I wish I had addressed my GD 20 years ago, at the time I was scared off by knowing/feeling at my core I was non-binary, and having the at the time hearing allot of loud binary trans people being ironically dismissive and derogatory to the non-binary people. They couldn't say AGP fast enough...

I know accouple years of PM might put me over the fence, but at this point I do not expect it. I know MTA/NB is a minority, but it is what I feel I am and have for as long as I can remember. But if I do end up in the other boat, the first 3/4 of the journey is the same anyway! lol

Weight is not an excuse, I have lost 50lbs, and will lose the remaining 30 within the year. I have converted 20-30lbs beyond that into muscle. Body composition makes a huge difference, I have lowered my center of gravity and got a solid foundation of muscle to form lower body curves. Yoga and targeted exercises can work wonders, and if you are half killing yourself with exercise pre/post workout drinks and protein can too...

Height is no excuse, once I knew I had GD beyond a doubt I did searches and found several examples of FTM's that pre-transition were 6'+ and 250lbs+, and with HRT and exercise alone, no FFS made a not only a passable transition, but were beautiful!

If anyone is reading this who is still not sure of their situation, or wants to try and bargain their GD away, THAT IS A MISTAKE. Talk to therapist that specializes in this, talk to people here and elsewhere. Find out what you need to find out. It can be scary as hell, but you will only regret it later if you wait years on this.

(I post this having read nearly identical advice 15-20 years ago!)


- Jaded Jade

[spanky (aka Lola)]

The dismissive comments are a bit much. They also miss the point by a mile. I am not interested in getting into a debate with know-it-alls.

[Jaded Jade]

Ah, my tone was more intense than I intended.

I hope I did not offend anyone here, because none of my comment was about the crew at Nexus! (Just some personal regret that I chose inaction years ago because of some toxic and incorrect comments I heard elsewhere.)

I like the openness and diversity of path, opinion and approach here. I appreciate the gentle wisdom that starting out thinking you are only androgynous often is the step to more. Even though I don't think it will for me, it has helped to hear it. Others have stayed in the middle by choice or necessity here and I find it inspiring!

And some of the warnings that things like BO should be avoided unless I want to go further...

And the golden advice to talk to my DW as early as possible.

So to be clear, I didn't want to start any debates of offend anyone, if I even say something stupid or unintentionally hurtful please PM me and I will edit it!


- Jade

[Marina Kits]

***Abridged quote***

If anyone is reading this who is still not sure of their situation, or wants to try and bargain their GD away, THAT IS A MISTAKE. Talk to therapist that specializes in this, talk to people here and elsewhere. Find out what you need to find out. It can be scary as hell, but you will only regret it later if you wait years on this.

- Jaded Jade

Humm, I have to second this. Many of you will recall it wasn't that long ago I lamented that this GD thing is not a choice and also not something I'd sign up for if given the option. I find myself having an out-of-body experience now asking myself what the hell are you thinking Kari? Because as of late, I think I might actually keep my GD if my creator gave me the choice today. Why? Because as I look back at my life, the new me is much preferable to the old. I like the emotional, sensitive side of me. I like being "weaker emotionally" and in need of more love than most. l like to express myself in unique fashion and color, to be free of sexual addictions and able to understand others emotions and feelings better. I'm less irritable and have a lot more patience with my wife, kids, friends and acquaintances. There are no secrets in my marriage anymore and our emotional intimacy has never been deeper. I'm no longer constantly on guard trying to protect the false image of myself I created and maintained for 40 years. My gender "issues" drove me to attain a proper body mass index to look more feminine but causing several axillary benefits as well. I understand now why I never fit in with the guys and didn't match the girls but knowing and accepting that has freed me from the prison I used to be in. ...I'm just better now that I've accepted myself, love myself and love my gender identity (note the lack of Dysphoria!). ...I'm better BECAUSE of my "GID" now that I have EMBRACED my true identity!

...So, as Jade said, don't stuff who you are! Don't deny it. Get help from a professional OR WRITE LIKE CRAZY HERE! It's what I did. Writing is therapeutic, you can remain anonymous, the feedback is, for the most part, very helpful and it's all FREE! If you're observing (lurking) this forum, take a big breath and step out of the shadows.

[AnnieBL]

Kari and Jade,

Although we are all different and our circumstances are different,I find myself in such complete agreement with every word in the last post that I had to say so. My biggest regret is that it took me so long to realize my real self.

[Samantha Rogers]

Yeah. Gotta agree with both Kari and Annie. Not saying its for everyone who comes here. Not at all. Just saying if you are "one of us" and you can level with yourself...well, the sooner the better. Your heart knows even if your brain says no.

[b.rose]

Three or four years ago I was active on this forum. I believed I was a cross-dresser and that PM or some other herb would help me. I was wrong.

What PM did was stop me from lying to myself any longer.

I had always believed that I should have been female but I never believed it was possible. I knew that no doctor or therapist would ever believe me and I knew that society would never accept me. I had tried cross-dressing as a way of relieving my dysphoria and it partly worked but there was never a sexual or fetish element to it and at the back of my mind was that nagging belief that I should have been female.

So I tried PM. It made me feel that maybe a transition of sort was possible but what it really did was unloose that inner woman I kept restrained. The cork popped and out she came. I cried, had a breakdown and saw a shrink who told me that I needed to transition. I went onto full HRT, transitioned socially and I am now waiting for the surgeon's knife just after Xmas.

In terms of what is relevant to this discussion - if you always felt female, that you should have lived female then PM might lead you to transition. If you have no such inner demons then I doubt PM will lead to transition.

Having read a lot about the causes of transsexualism, I am in no doubt that it is caused by physiological differences in the brain due to insufficient masculinisation before birth. I feel that PM is sufficient to "trigger" the arrested development and allow it to proceed.

I know that there are people on here who identify as non-binary and they will undoubtedly have a different perspective and one I do not understand, but from my binary perspective my warning would be that if you are barely keeping the "inner woman" under control them PM will not help you. It is likely to do the exact opposite.

[Samantha Rogers]

Exactly what people said to me four years ago, Beverly, and exactly what I failed to heed but learned (and to my great joy and relief, I might add), and also exactly what I have been saying for the last six to eight months. Nice to see you again. And I am so happy for you in your journey!

[b.rose]

Exactly what people said to me four years ago, Beverly, and exactly what I failed to heed but learned (and to my great joy and relief, I might add),

I did not listen either, I thought I could control it, but my basic problem was that I did not understand what was wrong with me. I did not understand my underlying feelings and were they came from. I thought I was just weird or something

... and also exactly what I have been saying for the last six to eight months. Nice to see you again. And I am so happy for you in your journey!

I am amazed you remember me. It has been quite a while since I was on here and I only browse it very occasionally. I feel less and less need for any form of support these days because I am now completely content about myself in a way I never knew before so I doubt I will be around much, but I thought I could add something to this particular discussion so I created an account and logged in.

I hope that whatever you are doing is working for you and that you are happy with it

[EvaMarie]

Well this is one of the best threads on here Ive read in a while so I figured Id put in my thoughts

All I can do is relate my experience of GD and how PM and now HRT fits in with it....

First of all Ive read and thought A LOT on all this stuff trying to figure out just WTF is going on with me... Ive unfortunately spent a lot of time trying to "label" myself... Ive come a long way in a short time as far as being perceived and accepted by others as female goes ... Yet as a bio male I'll never know what thats truly like... I've been dealing with feeling like a some super professional CD, "female impersonator" whatever... But NOT a woman, I'll never be a bio woman, like this is all just "fake" somehow... Yet I also KNOW I have to do this because I never was or will be happy as a "man" in this world we live in...

When I decided I was going to do this I knew in my heart I was DONE with trying to be some "normal dude"... That was months before I ever took any PM... I was "dressing" all the way and going out "pass" or not before I even started changing my hormonal make up... PM and now even VERY aggressive HRT never gave me any "mental benefits", I mean through all this I feel like the one thing that has really seen NO CHANGE at all is my brain... Yes different levels of E and T and rapid swings in them can affect my emotions... Yes I feel MUCH better with a females hormonal balance... BUT I think what I like about it so much is the effect of feminization of the body... The more fem my body is the happier and better I feel, but the brain and my mind feels the same as ever.... Maybe that means I "have a female brain" whatever the fuck that is... I'll never know because I was born male....

No I feel just about the same as ever upstairs as I did when I was at my "manliest"... Of course its changed my sexual function but not my "drive" or libido... Even on VERY high amounts of E and practically zero T I still look at porn the same as ever... YES I have more control over it but really Im the same as ever there but maybe just a bit less active... I feel like that has more to do with age than anything else too... But I do notice that the more E I take the more "drive" I have... And when I feel like my hormones are too low I have no drive, ironically nearly exactly the same effect T had on my libido....

So for me anyway PM or E and even T never really changed the way I think and it never made me do anything I didnt already want to do regardless... What it has done is show me the possibility's... YES I can change the body from MtF and yes I feel that the more I can feminize the happier I will be... No I'll never be a GG but with female hormonal balance and time and a lot of $$$ spent on a lot of surgerys yes I can look almost exactly like any other woman... If I can be a HOT woman well thats even better... Hell I might even turn myself on someday, OH but thats not supposed to be "good" according to some stuff I read...

I dont think "binary" or any of the other labels is helpful at all... I mean Ive always liked traditional "masculine" things like tools, machines and guns and cars and trucks ect... And if I could wake up tomorrow truly a beautiful GG with my brain as is I would without hesitation at all and I feel like Id still like all of that stuff... As things have progressed for me Ive felt a lot of pressure to get rid of all the "cool guy stuff" I accumulated as a "guy".... Like I should have to reject all of that and "live as a woman" whatever the fuck that means Its becoming clearer to me that to become some super fem living and "acting" "real woman" is just as fake for me as being a "real man" was... I mean according to some women think different than men, more "passive" "cooperative" and less "aggressive" more "delicate" BS BS BS I say... YES there are big differences biologically, with women being the "fairer sex" and its obvious we are all designed to attract the opposite sex physically to one degree or another otherwise we wouldn't be here.... But I dont believe at all that the brain is all much different between the sexes... That one can be a male and "female brained" or a female and "male" brained.... I mean Im going nuts here trying to grasp that... Its largely all just social conditioning and "tradition" in my mind... Of course I could be wrong too and maybe there is a gene or chromosome somewhere nobody knows about thats "defective"... I donno and really why does that matter at all??? Maybe just a way to make people feel better about not being "normal".... I just know rejecting masculinity at least physically makes me feel MUCH better....

So if that makes me "not really a woman" maybe just a super fem gay guy, but less of a "woman" than these other "REAL transexuals" who just know they "feel like women" well so fucking what... Maybe I do have a "female brain" maybe I dont but Im getting really TIRED of worrying about it...

Now that doesnt mean I dont worry about "passing" and being seen and accepted and treated as a "female"... Yes knowing how to "act" like a girl, walk, move, dress, and talk... Its important and yes the better I get at that the better I feel too, but thats all just fitting in with the "norm" really... It seems to me the physical part is very easy compared to finding what makes me comfortable as far as just being me goes... Whats an "act" and whats real... I guess Ive just always rejected the "norm" and Im finding that unfortunately a lot of this is just learning how to conform to a different "norm"...

Dont get me wrong though, a HUGE part of this for me is the whole feeling I get when a man is interested in me as a woman or even as a "tranny", whatever just NOT as a man... Its all about men not seeing me as a man and finding me attractive as me, a "woman" or whatever the fuck I am... No I dont enjoy penetrating anyone and never really have in any way but If a guy wants to play with it while its still there I guess I dont have a problem with that...

You see I guess I feel like I never fit the "true transexual" box, and more and more I find people like Bushong in that article Clara posted to NOT really be helpful to me in anyway at all... First of all I feel like while he might work with a lot of TG people, there is no way he or anyone else that isnt TG can ever truly understand this.... I mean just about all of the "gatekeepers" psychs and doctors are "normal cis people" right??? Its great that they want to help and show compassion and try to understand us but I feel like they never really will or even could... I guess I must admit that the farther I go with "transition" the more confused im getting here...

All the stuff I read about how I was supposed to prefer girls over boys for friends when I was little and be telling my Mom "Im a girl", cross dressing at an early age, NONE of that ever happened to me...

I never in my life was happy about being born male, could never really relate to "normal" males and they way they saw things acted and treated people... Yet male I was like it or not, "man up" and deal with it pussy!!!

Well fuck that, Im done with that... My next step is an attempt at hair restoration and FFS... After that likely will be body contouring with lipo and a tummy tuck to take care of all the loose skin on my belly from my dramatic weight loss... The little fat remaining will be injected into my hips and ass...

Do I hate my little Pee Pee, yes I honestly never particularly cared for it... As a "dude" it never seemed adequate and like just about any guy but the truly well endowed I wished it was bigger... Would that have made me happy as a guy though??? Good question... I donno and I never will know...

If I want to have that thing surgically mangled beyond recognition to something that resembles female anatomy why should I have to go through all this BS with psychs aside from confirming Im not "insane"??? I feel like I have to somehow "prove to them Im really a woman"... I mean come on shouldnt the fact that I actually WANT damn near any "cis males" worst nightmare and Im willing to pay whatever they ask be good enough for them???

I think it would be more helpful for these docs to insist that the patient is truly well informed about just how its done surgically and all of the potential complications... Whats required for a successful recovery, ect... Id even agree with a requirement to pass a test confirming truly "informed consent".... Then you sign and pay and then well...
Good Luck Mam...

So am I a permanent "inbetweener"??? I think no matter how feminine I ultimately appear, YES... And when you get to the heart of it after all the noise and analysis and talk.... No matter how successful the gender presentation... Its the trans experience no matter what... I guess all we can do is accept ourselves to truly find peace...

So thats my rant for the day, hope ya'll enjoyed it LOL