[wantingmore72]

I dont post much, but I have been on and off here for over a year now. Has anyone here gone through times of sadness in realizing that the dream and reality are sooo far apart?

I was watching a video of someone who was going through transition and ended up detransitioning due to real life things. It struck me kind of hard and made think what in the world am I trying to do. Work, family, etc. ... the explanations and society view. I mean, I was at work today and someone tried to put a sticker on my chest and I flinched, not wanting her to know there was something there.

I guess just some reality has struck and am feeling pretty lousy.

[Marina Kits]

I can't remember and your profile doesn't say but it makes a little difference which camp you are in. Are you a cis male wanting breasts or do you identify as transgender? If the former, perhaps you'll want to give some serious thought to the question, "what am I doing?" There are ramifications to contend with when you have breasts and are a male. If you're transgender, welcome to the quandary. You probably wont be able to shake the feelings of wanting to be your true self and going forward will probably cost you more than you can imagine. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I am transgender but choose not to transition mainly for the sake of my wife who wants a husband and my kids who want a daddy. So instead, I'm trying to get as close to the gender "line" as I can. It's my compromise and there are many tear filled, depressing days because I can't go all the way but also days of thankfulness that my wife is still by my side and doing everything within reason to help me out. Being completely open and honest about my feelings has deepened our relationship immensely but ultimately, she is the one who holds me back. The herbs and E help me in many ways but I think you're probably already familiar or have experienced what they offer IF they help you. Sorry I don't have better news. We've all been there and can empathize with you but I'm afraid there are no "solutions" or easy fixes.

[wantingmore72]

Thanks kari, maybe I should at least out myself a little here instead of blurbing my original post. Im kind of scattered now. I had these feeling when I was young and actually used to where my moms nightgown once in while when I was young. Had thoughts of it through highschool, joined the Navy, got married, had a child, did the male/husband/family thing,got divorced, moved to a city far away from my family. And here i am with my daughter a teenager.

I think I did awaken myslef from starting PM and just thinking it would be cool. But after reading so many posts on GI here and watching endless youtube videos on things of the sort, reading experiences on here, I come to realize I want to be feminine more. Things just come up all at once at times. Single, no real family around, a daughter who I love and never would want to alienate or hurt, and then dealing with things at work. I am sure many of the people here deal with these things here, and I have been feeling pretty alone with dealing with it.

So sorry if it was just an out of the blue thing I posted. i know there are a lot of more senior members who are pretty tight in these discussions. Just looking for a little perspective maybe.

[Marina Kits]

Ah, so you're in the gender identity camp then. Well my friend, that kinda sucks but I know exactly what you're feeling. First off, repression has never worked for anyone I've known here or in my local support group. I don't think you'll be happy until you embrace the feminine characteristics of your personality. It doesn't mean that you have to transition, just appreciate what you've been trying to hide all your life. Secondly, you're not damaged, screwed up, perverted or otherwise defective just because you have some feminine aspects of your personality. You're a unique mix of male and female that should be embraced not altered. Some of us do things throughout our lives to "cover" the parts of our personality society has told us don't belong. We might get married and have kids hoping that the GI issues will go away. We might join the military because that's what gruff, manly men do! We force change parts of our personality to match the gender we "are" according to the anatomy we were given AND we do it in such subtle ways, WE don't even realize we're doing it ourselves!

I'm going to go out on a limb here with these next few suggestions in hopes of throwing some light on something you haven't thought about.
Normally I wouldn't bring this up because it's kind of taboo so just disregard if they don't fit OK? Have you been accused of being short tempered or do you feel angry much of the time and don't know why? If so, I'd assert that it has somthing to do with your internal gender incongruities. That could have led to broken personal relationships which in turn leads to depression or at least general unhappiness in life. (I'm out on a limb with that one). How about "sexual" issues? Pornography, masturbation, infidelity etc.? I'm not sure how those fit into GI but there seems to be a connection. For me, it was a sex drive that was over the top and out of control. I was like a rocket without any fins flying out of control and it led to crazy amounts of guilt, shame and depression on account of the things I did. I give the herbs and anti-androgen's credit for bringing that drive under MY control. I make sexual decisions with my heart now instead of below the waist.

As for the sadness from realizing the dream and reality are far apart? Yeah, it's a bummer. I'm 44 and most of the things I really wanted to experience as a female are hopelessly behind my age. I'll never get to be a pretty little girl, asked to prom or courted. I'll never get to be a bride, a wife or be pregnant. It's just the facts of life. Some things we can change, others we can't but ya gotta make the most of whatever is left. ...If there's one universal thing I've learned from all my TG friends, it's that we all have something enviable about our situations. For some, they are very young and can transition before testosterone ravages their body. Some are blessed with a opposite gender physique and features and passing is easy. For me, I'm OK saying goodbye to my genitalia - it served it's purpose and now I'm done with it. For you, one thing I see is your isolation. I know it's not fun to be alone but if you need to make "changes" you can do so in private with only your daughter to deal with. I'm firmly embedded in two very tight, very conservative families that would have a cow (a whole herd actually) if I announced I was going to become a woman! It's funny to just imagine the "shock and seizures" that would ensue with my hypothetical announcement.

Hang in there Wantingmore and keep writing out your thoughts and questions - it's very therapeutic. This is the next best thing to group therapy.

[Samantha Rogers]

Just wanted to chime in here...
First, very good thoughts, Kari! I might well have written the exact same narrative. Nicely enunciated!

But beyond all that, HRT, whether from synthetic E or phytoestrogens, is known to cause wide mood swings, ranging from euphoria to depression. In essence, when we begin any form of HRT we are instigating a second puberty. Anyone with a daughter will be familiar with teenage female "drama".
Part of the informed consent information process involves being made aware of this, but when we just start self medicating with PM that information is often neglected.
It is to be expected by anyone tinkering with hormones that they may go through some "dark" days of doubt and depression. That is why counseling with a good gender therapist is recommended and a very good idea.
Speaking personally, Ive had my fair share of tearful gray days since starting all this, and I doubt I am alone. That said, would I go back? No, never. Never.

[Marina Kits]

Just wanted to chime in here...
First, very good thoughts, Kari! I might well have written the exact same narrative. Nicely enunciated!

Thanks Sammie. Interesting aside; I've always gotten compliments on my compositions but they have gotten even better since I started NBE / HRT. I think I'm just more in touch with my feelings. I also thoroughly enjoy writing (and reading) a well composed and punctuated post or comment. I get a real sense of satisfaction from doing it well and using ever tool necessary to get my feelings into words without misleading the reader.

You're right about the mood swings on NBE & HRT by the way. I just forgot to mention it, along with a few more things that will probably be brought up shortly by someone else. It's what makes this community so cool!

As for the tear filed, grey days, they are NEVER fun, yet they are strangely …“welcome???” too. My highest highs have always come on the heels of my tear filled moments and the bigger the moment, the higher the high. It seems as though nothing cleanses the hurt that I have bottled up within me from years of repression and hiding better than the tears I shed out of desperation. I know this to be true because the tears are always bigger than the trigger.

[wantingmore72]

Thanks for sharing Kari and Samantha. I have read a lot of your posts believe it or not. I am coming up on 42 myself and I think you spelled it out pretty good for me Kari. I do feel like I have lost a lot of opportunity and yesterday it just came crashing down on me. I have been off PM for a couple weeks now and maybe that contributes to this a little bit.

It is weird that you mention it, but quite a few people do actually think i am pretty negative at work. Even though I dont really think I am malicious, I may be lashing out a bit. It is good to hear I am in the same boat in some regards as far as age and the feeling that I can never go back. I am probably due for some adjustment on expectations of what can be accomplished.

Over the past month I have been even contemplating facial surgery to reduce my brow and nose. I get to thinking about complications and how I would ever explain something like that since I do work in surgery. I know what the healing would be like. Makes me wish for a magic wand! lol I am not sure if I could ever justify doing that though, because of cost and I am scared of a bad outcome. I try and do my eyebrows and feel I am limited in that because i am too scared of what people think. There is even more things like having a shaved chest in the locker room, swimming etc. I just keep it bottled up...... Kind of frustrating and makes things hard.

Anyhow, Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts on it, it helps to feel not so alone.

[flamesabers]

Hello wantingmore.

Even though I'm a little late to your thread, I would like to put in my 2 cents.

Yes, I think it's very common to feel sadness about a disconnect between your dreams and reality.

As far as people at work thinking you're very negative, do they also think you're very serious? At times people tell me I'm too serious or that I'm a pessimist. I like to think of myself as being a realist. When you feel your dreams are unattainable, I think it's only natural to feel upset about being stuck in a rut.

With surgery maybe it would be simpler and easier to pursue something not so noticeable like a trachea shave? Or perhaps just keeping yourself free of unwanted body hair would help to take the edge off of your frustration? Depending on how changes like these work out, you could gauge how you would like to go about pursuing more obvious and dramatic changes? I don't think feminizing your body has to be an all or nothing journey.

[wantingmore72]

Thank you Flame for the input. Since my last little rut, I have tried to change a few things. I am trying to get more sleep, eat better and relieve some stress. I am going to just keep doing what I have been for the time being. I do clip and epilate, but those ingrown hairs! lol. Coming into winter I am thinking it will be a little easier wearing pants all the time. I am feeling better than that day and am just trying to deal with better coping of the issue. Gonna hold of on thoughts of plastic surgery just yet, that really makes me nervous.

Thanks for your input though, I am glad all of you have offered suggestion.

[flamesabers]

Thank you Flame for the input. Since my last little rut, I have tried to change a few things. I am trying to get more sleep, eat better and relieve some stress. I am going to just keep doing what I have been for the time being. I do clip and epilate, but those ingrown hairs! lol. Coming into winter I am thinking it will be a little easier wearing pants all the time. I am feeling better than that day and am just trying to deal with better coping of the issue. Gonna hold of on thoughts of plastic surgery just yet, that really makes me nervous.

Thanks for your input though, I am glad all of you have offered suggestion.

Hello again wantingmore.

How are you doing? Are you feeling any better?