18-11-2014, 06:29 PM
So, this started in the lurkers thread, but I'll re-post here, and then add to it.
Skip to the "+++" if you've already read the beginning. :-)
I have reasons for lurking.
If I talk freely, I can't send the woman here for information.
OTOH, if I DON'T send her here (or Susan's Place or similar)... She's COMPLETELY in the dark. And here would be better, as she wants "Her Man." So someplace focused more on transition won't give her ANY peace of mind.
Now, I singed up under a unique handle, but got to change it just now. Keeping it would make any "shared space" an impossibility.
I have buried this (after telling her about it first, mind) for 9 years. And while this would be the best place to post, I definitely want to be rare in postings, in the hopes things IRL can be sorted.
I'm not passable to a blind man in a dark room - so if I can get something to reduce the discomfort, that's a major benefit. But the woman is concerned about her social standing (that's a general fear - embarassment, being perceived as "abnormal" or in her case, probably as "lesbian", etc.) There is a certain inversion there, she's not a femme type - raised by a divorced, abusive mother, who was a teacher at her school, in New Jersey. As a friend said, "If you can survive in New Jersey, you can thrive anywhere." Hell, we eat our weak... :-) With fava beans and a nice Chianti....
+++
I essentially identify as Transgender, and I've been after two diametrically opposed things: Strength, and Femininity. And no, they're not 100% diametrically opposed - only about 99.999%. :-P
Raw power (as in strength) is sort of the opposite of grace, guile, flexibility, litheness, etc, all traits I admire in women.
Now, I need to keep doing physical training, and can't drop strength training completely - just don't have it in me to give up. I don't need or want to be bulky, though. But I can build my butt a bit, that wouldn't hurt... Much. ;-) As long as I can continue doing a respectable overhead press, squat, deadlift, I should be able to maintain a functionally strong body...
But then, trying to be feminine? That's going to be ROUGH.
Hope springs eternal.
At this point, I'm most concerned with "taking the edge off" (I know, I sound like an addict.) Since I've used Progynova/Spiro/Dutas, I know the mental results and mechanics. It's painful, but well worth it in the long run - the transition is just a bitch. But the brain works better afterwards. Much calmer, better able to handle life and "care less." Things aren't so personal, I don't react with anger, etc.
As I hit 39, it's getting to be IMPOSSIBLE, though. I've taken the meds on and off, but I've got a Male life I'm living, and the woman with me has a lot invested in that, emotionally. But the depression, the anger, and the lack of ANY progress in life - it's unacceptable, and my mind is bad enough already, I don't need the extra stress making me miserable. If I'm going to live paycheck to paycheck anyway, I might as well be "miserable" as I want to be, instead of miserable because I'm NOT who and what I want to be. (I think we're crossing the line from "want" to "need," really.)
I LOVE looking down and seeing breasts. Can't explain it better than that. Just an emotional thrill. When I was first taking estrogen, I was wrestlign with someone, and got hit in the boob. It HURT, of course, but I was sitting there with this Mona Lisa Smile... Just, "IT'S WORKING!!!" To look down and see the outline under clothes is just somehow erotic.
My woman doesn't like them, doesn't like that they're bigger than hers (I keep telling her it's the pectorals, mostly, but she doesn't believe me), doesn't like that I crossdress at all.... You can see where this is going, right? :-)
Anyway, I'm along for the ride, listening, learning, trying to accomplish what I need without stepping on too many toes.
So, for the most part, I'm likely to be a lurker.
BTW, I'm mostly filling a 42C, and I especially need to get the body fat gone. Too much jell-o. But I'm not a fan of aerobics.... It's all on my torso, too. :-P helps make the boobs less obvious, but I have NEVER liked the belly, and always envied the girls their form. Tight, curvy, and then they grew into women... Even better.
Though there's the old adage of beauty being only skin deep.... (I'll leave all of that out, though.)
Now, if I could just jump into things? I'd drop the NBE approach, to be honest, and just work to feminize everything I can. You only live once, right? I'm past the point I'll be marying a beautiful young woman and having a family... Very little contact with what's left of my family.... And coming to terms with some very bad issues in that family, too. Time to take advantage of the "protected" status in this state (MA) and get some things examined, maybe understood and controlled - and if I can get more feminine looking (without losing much strength; there are women who can lift far more than I can, and they still look like WOMEN, so I'm optimistic), it's an added bonus.
Now maybe in a few weeks I'll send the woman here and have her read the Male forum... We'll see what happens, I guess.
Skip to the "+++" if you've already read the beginning. :-)
I have reasons for lurking.
If I talk freely, I can't send the woman here for information.
OTOH, if I DON'T send her here (or Susan's Place or similar)... She's COMPLETELY in the dark. And here would be better, as she wants "Her Man." So someplace focused more on transition won't give her ANY peace of mind.
Now, I singed up under a unique handle, but got to change it just now. Keeping it would make any "shared space" an impossibility.
I have buried this (after telling her about it first, mind) for 9 years. And while this would be the best place to post, I definitely want to be rare in postings, in the hopes things IRL can be sorted.
I'm not passable to a blind man in a dark room - so if I can get something to reduce the discomfort, that's a major benefit. But the woman is concerned about her social standing (that's a general fear - embarassment, being perceived as "abnormal" or in her case, probably as "lesbian", etc.) There is a certain inversion there, she's not a femme type - raised by a divorced, abusive mother, who was a teacher at her school, in New Jersey. As a friend said, "If you can survive in New Jersey, you can thrive anywhere." Hell, we eat our weak... :-) With fava beans and a nice Chianti....
+++
I essentially identify as Transgender, and I've been after two diametrically opposed things: Strength, and Femininity. And no, they're not 100% diametrically opposed - only about 99.999%. :-P
Raw power (as in strength) is sort of the opposite of grace, guile, flexibility, litheness, etc, all traits I admire in women.
Now, I need to keep doing physical training, and can't drop strength training completely - just don't have it in me to give up. I don't need or want to be bulky, though. But I can build my butt a bit, that wouldn't hurt... Much. ;-) As long as I can continue doing a respectable overhead press, squat, deadlift, I should be able to maintain a functionally strong body...
But then, trying to be feminine? That's going to be ROUGH.
Hope springs eternal.
At this point, I'm most concerned with "taking the edge off" (I know, I sound like an addict.) Since I've used Progynova/Spiro/Dutas, I know the mental results and mechanics. It's painful, but well worth it in the long run - the transition is just a bitch. But the brain works better afterwards. Much calmer, better able to handle life and "care less." Things aren't so personal, I don't react with anger, etc.
As I hit 39, it's getting to be IMPOSSIBLE, though. I've taken the meds on and off, but I've got a Male life I'm living, and the woman with me has a lot invested in that, emotionally. But the depression, the anger, and the lack of ANY progress in life - it's unacceptable, and my mind is bad enough already, I don't need the extra stress making me miserable. If I'm going to live paycheck to paycheck anyway, I might as well be "miserable" as I want to be, instead of miserable because I'm NOT who and what I want to be. (I think we're crossing the line from "want" to "need," really.)
I LOVE looking down and seeing breasts. Can't explain it better than that. Just an emotional thrill. When I was first taking estrogen, I was wrestlign with someone, and got hit in the boob. It HURT, of course, but I was sitting there with this Mona Lisa Smile... Just, "IT'S WORKING!!!" To look down and see the outline under clothes is just somehow erotic.
My woman doesn't like them, doesn't like that they're bigger than hers (I keep telling her it's the pectorals, mostly, but she doesn't believe me), doesn't like that I crossdress at all.... You can see where this is going, right? :-)
Anyway, I'm along for the ride, listening, learning, trying to accomplish what I need without stepping on too many toes.
So, for the most part, I'm likely to be a lurker.
BTW, I'm mostly filling a 42C, and I especially need to get the body fat gone. Too much jell-o. But I'm not a fan of aerobics.... It's all on my torso, too. :-P helps make the boobs less obvious, but I have NEVER liked the belly, and always envied the girls their form. Tight, curvy, and then they grew into women... Even better.
Though there's the old adage of beauty being only skin deep.... (I'll leave all of that out, though.)
Now, if I could just jump into things? I'd drop the NBE approach, to be honest, and just work to feminize everything I can. You only live once, right? I'm past the point I'll be marying a beautiful young woman and having a family... Very little contact with what's left of my family.... And coming to terms with some very bad issues in that family, too. Time to take advantage of the "protected" status in this state (MA) and get some things examined, maybe understood and controlled - and if I can get more feminine looking (without losing much strength; there are women who can lift far more than I can, and they still look like WOMEN, so I'm optimistic), it's an added bonus.
Now maybe in a few weeks I'll send the woman here and have her read the Male forum... We'll see what happens, I guess.