[JennaSkye]

About 5 years ago, I opened up to my wife about my closet dressing and my feeling of something not being right about who I was. I was very much in denial of the possibility that I had some form of gender identity issues. She demanded that I stopped dressing, which I did for a while, then I felt the urges again a short time after. So, I hid it from her again so that I didn't upset her. I felt the deep guilt and again explained what I was doing and asked that she allow me to dress occasionally around her. She let me for a couple times, then told me she didn't want me doing it around her. This went back and forth for a few years.
About a year and a half ago, I started to take some herbal meds to curb my mind, and curve my body. They worked well on both. I used to have an extremely short fuse. I was always alpha of each group of friends. I would yell and walk around pissed off all the time about everything.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.. My wife told me that she might be gay, as she did not find guys attractive. I actually got kind of excited thinking since i had some cleavage, and wanted to look a little more feminine, we'd be the perfect match. Last week, she changed her mind and said she is straight, but doesn't find me attractive at all. She also said that she thinks that she wants to end our marriage because she doesn't like me taking the herbals, and doesn't want me growing breasts.

Finally, today she asked if I would or could "stop it all". When I asked her to define "all" she said, "no herbals, dressing or anything related to this." We watched the Bruce Jenner special, the Laura Jane Grace series, and a few documentaries on Gender Identity..

I didn't respond to the question because I don't get the problem. I see what I'm doing as absolutely harmless. Our sex life went to shit right after our first kid was born. This was before any of my stuff surfaced. She admitted that she's not attracted to me, so why does she care if I want to make myself feel attractive even if she doesn't?

She started seeing a psychiatrist to talk about possible depression. The psychiatrist told her that she's dealt with a similar situation where the husband transitioned (I don't want to). She reassured my wife that they didn't last, so she was confident we wouldn't either (second time talking to my wife).

Also, a week ago, my wife asked me if she could talk to her best friend about me, explaining what I have done with dressing and the herbals. I reluctantly said "yes" even though I was very uncomfortable with it, but since this woman lives far enough away that I wouldn't have to face her anytime soon, I'd get over it.

Today I found out that not only did she tell her, but at the same time, she told her other close friend who I see all the time. I asked her why she felt that she could freely speak about me, and explaining how personal and embarrassing it is, the response I got was, "oh well, they don't think bad of you. Pretty soon it'll be normal because of all the TV shows".

For the last couple months, and especially the last few weeks, she's acted like we aren't together. Telling me that she is unsure of our future, and I feel she is damaging me by crossing trusted boundaries. I don't feel there is an "oops" leeway for telling someone about this..

Am I out in left field? Why doesn't any of this make sense to me? I have started to wonder if this is possibly an excuse to divorce because of something else. I'm not sure, but it seems like someone taking herbal supplements, putting a bra on once every few months and moobs is grounds for divorce??? I thought it'd take more than that.. I'm so damn confused.

I know none of you are my therapist, which I probably need.. But anyone that's gone through this and has any insight on how she might be feeling, or maybe I'm justified in my feelings.. I don't know. I just wanted to write this down to clear my head. This is such an amazing site. Thank you.

[WantAPair]

As Bruce said, why shouldn't YOU be allowed to be YOU?

As for how she feels about it all, ask her. I'd actually like to know how she feels about it, too.

As I've said here at least once already over the past 2 years, I've been physically attacked just for wearing a short skirt!! The REALLY strange thing is that, in both cases, I was attacked by people that feel they can dress up REALLY strangely ANYTIME they like and EVERYBODY HAS to just deal with them!!!! It's a LIFESTYLE for them!! They are punk rockers!! Oi boys!! Y'know, spiked multi-coloured Mohawks 2 feet high, really bizarre piercings, very loud plaid clothes, the whole ball of wax!! I'M supposed to be COMPLETELY, PERFECTLY accepting of them in this attire/style (and I am!!), but they're in NO way, shape or form going to even CONSIDER being accepting of me wearing a short black skirt and tights or pantyhose!! And, of course, there's the double standard, why is it your wife can wear pants and other men's clothing any time she likes, but you can't dress the LEAST bit fem? It's PERFECTLY okay for Ben Hur and Caligula, among MANY other men throughout history, to wear a skirt, but not for modern day men! I would JUST like to know what goes through peoples' minds when this issue is presented to them, especially via someone they supposedly love!

[GoneGirl]

Okay, Hurricane, here's my theory....

A lot of women are conditioned to growing up, finding a good man, starting a family, moving into a nice house, attending church on Sunday, having holiday get togethers with family, etc. etc. It's a dream they've had since teenagers. It's their good-life model. We husbands often have a similar vision of the future.

The problem with women who become fixated on this societal template is that they inevitably become disappointed and unhappy when they fall short of their hopes and dreams.

It starts with finding a good man. It's not necessary that they love their choice with all their heart and soul. Her love is mainly based on how she believes you will fit into the life she's constructing. Of course, her chosen man has some habits she'd rather do without, but, not to worry, she'll correct those things once they're married.

A big hint that you've married a woman in love with a life style is that she is very insistent on things being a certain way. She coaches you on all manner of things: social behavior, dress, career ambitions, etc. After all, she is very dependent upon you to help her be, and be seen, as the woman that society admires. This is the source of her self-esteem.

Gradually, she comes to realize that it's not working out. Her husband isn't all that she dreamed of; that he has needs and desires that don't necessarily match up well with hers. He's become less attractive in her eye, as well. The focus of her life shifts from husband to the new child, their sex life wanes, they argue a lot, etc.

But as disappointing as her life has become vis s vis her dream life, she tries to make the best of it, and manages to find an acceptable compromise that gives some contentment and reward.

Then, one day, her husband announces that he is transgender and needs opportunity to express his feminine side. OMG! This won't fly at all. It destroys her cobbled together world that she's worked so hard to build, such as it is. Her reaction is to protect her world in any way that she believes can stop such destructive, embarrassing behavior.

Does it matter that you have been suffering with this condition all your life, fought it off time and time again, but just don't have the strength to do it anymore? Why is my wife not more willing to work with me on this? Doesn't she love me? Doesn't she want me to be a happier person?

I'm not saying any of this is what's going on in your life, Hurricane, but if it is, consider the possibility that your wife's love is only as deep as your willingness to satisfy her needs, your ability to nurture her self-image. Your being a cross dressing husband is not even close to what she's willing to accept for your sake. Why? Well, if you can learn the answer to that question, there might be hope to resolve this impasse.

Good luck.

Clara

[TibetanPrincess]

Its because she sees you as a total let down as far as having a partner, a male partner; which is maybe, possibly one reason why she claimed herself to be gay. She went back and forth on that notion, but then just said she's not attracted to you. I'm sure at one point , she was atraced to you. The fact that you do what you do, seems to be the last straw that "smashed everything."

Yes, from a straight woman's stand point, crossdressing and moobs is a big deal ( especially if YOU claim you are straight), because it's a selfish, unnecessary thing you wish to put first, knowing most women don't find that attractive in a male partner, hence why most do not disclose it to their wives in the first place.

But bottom line, it will not work and anyone can see that.

Your wife is clearly not accepting of it, never signed up for it, nor will you both be happy.

You need to just be honest upfront and live your life.

If I were you, I'd divorce and always disclose to my potential partners in the future about how I like to identify myself in front of the world and if it's a problem, then it's obvious, don't waste time.

[TibetanPrincess]

Okay, Hurricane, here's my theory....

A lot of women are conditioned to growing up, finding a good man, starting a family, moving into a nice house, attending church on Sunday, having holiday get togethers with family, etc. etc. It's a dream they've had since teenagers. It's their good-life model. We husbands often have a similar vision of the future.

The problem with women who become fixated on this societal template is that they inevitably become disappointed and unhappy when they fall short of their hopes and dreams.

It starts with finding a good man. It's not necessary that they love their choice with all their heart and soul. Her love is mainly based on how she believes you will fit into the life she's constructing. Of course, her chosen man has some habits she'd rather do without, but, not to worry, she'll correct those things once they're married.

A big hint that you've married a woman in love with a life style is that she is very insistent on things being a certain way. She coaches you on all manner of things: social behavior, dress, career ambitions, etc. After all, she is very dependent upon you to help her be, and be seen, as the woman that society admires. This is the source of her self-esteem.

Gradually, she comes to realize that it's not working out. Her husband isn't all that she dreamed of; that he has needs and desires that don't necessarily match up well with hers. He's become less attractive in her eye, as well. The focus of her life shifts from husband to the new child, their sex life wanes, they argue a lot, etc.

But as disappointing as her life has become vis s vis her dream life, she tries to make the best of it, and manages to find an acceptable compromise that gives some contentment and reward.

Then, one day, her husband announces that he is transgender and needs opportunity to express his feminine side. OMG! This won't fly at all. It destroys her cobbled together world that she's worked so hard to build, such as it is. Her reaction is to protect her world in any way that she believes can stop such destructive, embarrassing behavior.

Does it matter that you have been suffering with this condition all your life, fought it off time and time again, but just don't have the strength to do it anymore? Why is my wife not more willing to work with me on this? Doesn't she love me? Doesn't she want me to be a happier person?

I'm not saying any of this is what's going on in your life, Hurricane, but if it is, consider the possibility that your wife's love is only as deep as your willingness to satisfy her needs, your ability to nurture her self-image. Your being a cross dressing husband is not even close to what she's willing to accept for your sake. Why? Well, if you can learn the answer to that question, there might be hope to resolve this impasse.

Good luck.

Clara

@Clara,
"self image?" No. Not for me at least. It's about simply being attracted to a man who expresses in a masculine nature. It's simply what most women are attracted to. Now, if you can change that, you may have a way to resolve this behavior acceptance issue.

I was never a teen to dream of a grand wedding with children and church on Sundays.

So please understand it's far more complex.
it's biochemical for me, not a societal stigma issue.

@Hurricane
I, and like many TGs (who have Re assigned their sex)
Do not quite understand the "inbetween."
But we do know. TG's eventually have to come to terms with it and have to go their own route, whether their partners can accept it or not.

So question is, are you truly TG all the way (born in the wrong body, change sex), or are you somewhere inbetween (man with a female side to express)?
And yes, it does matter, especially from a partner's perspective.
If your kids are grown, you are better off Coming to full terms. It's when the kids are young...
It's worse.

[The First Aria]

I do believe a lot of what Clara has said above. I think what she is driving at is that your wife seems to be very self centered (selfish). And I will tell you this.

Me and my wife have gone thru great times, and really horrible things. For instance loosing a 3 month old baby due to premature birth, and our oldest dying because I believe the doctor's missed the boat on his life threatening heart condition.

Yet, a month ago, we celebrated knowing and being in love for 41 years.

Yes, I fessed up to my wife about wanting breast, she knows I have, in her words "play clothes". Is she thrilled?? Hell no. Is she wanting a divorce??? Hell no. We are soul mates and have always been so. We even experimented with "open marriage" for a while... We are still together.

I fear she is really NOT in love with you, but herself. If she can repair her own self and the damage she has inflicted on you, then you two may have a future together. If not, then perhaps it's time to "ride into the sunset".

I bet she is o.k. with gay marriage, if not, why did she think she was gay??? Hypocrite is what it sounds like to me.

Of course, like many free things, it ain't worth a dam, eh?? But, if it gives you food for thought, then it's at least worth a penny.

I wish you well, and God Speed

As far as you TP, you sound as spoiled, self center little brat, that Mommy and Daddy should of whipped your ass many more times for being such a hurtful egotistical man that you probably are.

[Ausha]

A few things have crossed my mind reading your story.

1) she is gay and is too scared to accept it. She could be distancing herself because she's scared to admit to you and herself she likes it.

2) she could be cheating and trying to find the smallest excuse to leave.

3) something in your relationships past is bothering her.

Now her telling people you didn't agree too isn't right. I think she is way out of line.

If you could get into her social sites like Facebook or something you could learn what she really thinks. I warn you it may be extremely hurtful what you find.

Some people just don't understand.

[Ms. Monica]

I have to agree with tibetanprincess....Your wifes unacceptance of your moobs and dressing up....is her right. You admit you were in denial and you still in denial and confused (as you have stated) of many other things.

Bottom line...you are who you are and doing what you want to do....your wife also has that right.

You both need to be in agreement, honest and open, which she seems to be doing, you on the other hand, just want all secret...just you two...just the way you wants it... and your having a hard time because shes not playing ball your way.

Bottom line stop the hiding, the denial and trying to make your wife accept all of who you are and what you like doing. It don't sound like she wants to and she is not happy with everything about your dressing up, moobs and your marriage together.

Yes wake up and smell the coffee son..this is a reason for divorce. Your first mistake was not being 100% up front with your wife from the very beginning. And, not being 100% yourself 24/7 moobs and all.

My advice find you someone who will accept everything just like you wants it secret dressing up, moobs and all. You will be happy with no confusion, no denial, no guessing how your partner feels- because she will be honest and tell you, .....no trying and trying with someone who does not see things the same way you do...etc..etc...You both have a right to be happy in a marriage where you both love everything about each other and agree on everything regarding; dressing, moobs, sex, how you look, who you want to tell or not tell...etc..etc.... agreements, truth and acceptance of each other ...thats a true marriage.

Stop being confused, no more hiding and start being happy with who you truly are.

Good luck. I'm rooting for you being 100% who you are from here on.. to everyone who knows you in your life. That is true freedom and happiness.

[LingerieJessica]

If I didn't read the part of your wife thinks she might be a lesbian, my response would have been,

"She is attracted to men, got with a man, married a man etc... So the fact that she may not accept it, is a grounds for divorce".

But after reading a lot of that, seems your wife is confused as to who she may be, and possibly also you.

The fact that she freely told her friends is horrible, and she had no right to. Things that are said to one another in a marriage is sacred grounds to me. However, A year ago I told my wife of who I am, what I have felt, and what is happening (you can check my bio for my story), while she accepts everything I have told her, it would not surprise me in the least if in a few years time, she wants a divorce. And I would not blame her.

My wife married me and fell in love with me as a man, and is VERY attracted to men and sex with men (me). So when I start getting more girly on her, she will lose attraction, and more than likely love for me.

I accept this, IF it happens, as I was false to her from the start. The fact I waited almost ten years to tell her is a fault of mine, even though I was still very much in denial of who I was. But in the same token, your wife married a man.

Our wives have it VERY hard, possibly as hard as we have it. So you have to consider their side too. For example, say you had no desire to do what you do, and stayed the 'alpha' male like I did for so long, then one day, your wife comes to you and says, 'I wish to grow hair all over my body like a man, wear guys clothing. Albeit occasional, I want to do it. How would you react? I am not sure, IF I was an alpha male or 'normal' male, that I would be as accepting at all as my wife has for now, and I can also say, that I probably would of left her after years of no attraction or love loss. Sounds horrible me saying this since I expect/want her to be accepting of who I am.

In any case, have you both considered marriage counseling? I'm sure it may be of some or little help. But it also sounds like your wife is very confused in life, it is good she is getting help for it.

In the end, you need to do what makes YOU happy, and your wife, if the same thing does not make her happy, needs to do what makes HER happy. Life is far too short to be unhappy, and being in denial for so long, I see I have wasted time. But I have the next 16 years to wait (due to kids, and the fact I was at fault for not telling my wife from day 1).

I know both of you probably love each other still, but you need to try and work as a team about all of this. I don't just mean you, I mean whatever other issues your wife may have too.

Best of luck on whatever journey you wish to take.

[sfem]

Our wives have it VERY hard, possibly as hard as we have it. So you have to consider their side too. For example, say you had no desire to do what you do, and stayed the 'alpha' male like I did for so long, then one day, your wife comes to you and says, 'I wish to grow hair all over my body like a man, wear guys clothing.

Hmm. Not all men are hairy all over, nor are all women completely hairless. Just about all women everywhere wear men's clothes all the time. The definitions of what is men's clothing and what is women's is so completely a temporally specific societal fabrication, that it is pretty much irrelevant to the topic of sexual preference and gender identity. At best, these things have some bearing on sexual gratification and gender expression. I do take it you were looking for a way to say "you wouldn't like it if your wife did it to you". But just like the Amy Schumer (sp?) interview with the trans porn star, thoroughly mixing these things and confusing them just feeds the kind of phobias that stand in the way of any real progress on these issues.

To the OP:
It sounds like both you and your wife are struggling to find your way through a very difficult transition in your already rather damaged relationship. I feel for you both, but cannot offer anything useful because I only have one side of the story, and certainly do not have anywhere near enough context or knowledge of you or your friends to predict the value of my comments.
I will say that her talking to people, outside of your relationship and without your knowledge, who were not professional counselors may have been what she felt she needed to make herself feel vindicated in her chosen role. But it was highly destructive to an already shaky relationship. Your side of the story sounds to me like she gave up on your marriage long ago. I have nothing to say about the "she might be a lesbian" thing, it sounds rather jumbled even in your telling of it.

Sorry if that is the case. Good luck with wherever this ends up going. It sounds like a pretty tenuous partnership at this point.


TP, take your "selfish, unnecessary thing you wish to put first" and put it back in your mirror where you found it. You presuming others are like you, doesn't mean they are.