29-04-2015, 09:14 AM
(This post was last modified: 29-04-2015, 09:43 AM by Miranda-nata-est.)
In my opinion, it is wrong to be critical of your wife.
At our individual counselling sessions at the Gender clinic, my wife was told that the gender issues I am dealing with are in no way her fault and that she shouldn't attribute blame to herself. It was pointed out to her that, for whatever reason, BE IT NEED OR CHOICE , that I was the one who had broken the original contract which we had made under our marriage vows. Having reflected on this, I have to agree that this is pretty much the reality of the situation.
Meanwhile, It was being suggested to me that I might well have to accept that our relationship may never be the same again and that we might, if we wanted to remain together, have to redefine what we wanted and expected from each other with the compromises that that would entail. After getting over the jolt that this gave me, again, I have to agree this was a true reflection of the reality.
It strikes me that there are a couple of different scenarios which could be happening to you within the above framework.
a) You are doing what you are doing as a lifestyle choice rather than a deep seated necessity. In this case, then what happens is down to you alone although possibly in negotiation with your wife. You have to weigh up the relative priority you give to marriage vs gender expression and decide which one has to go or at least be compromised.
b) You have a full on gender identity crisis which you HAVE to deal with. In this case you have ceded responsibility to your wife to decide what she wants as it is you who have broken the contract. You will probably argue that it is not your fault that you are in this situation, but that is actually immaterial. The best thing you can do, assuming you want to retain some form of relationship with her, is to explain everything again and again but possibly in stages to avoid causing an extreme reaction. Drip feed the revelations and information allowing each step to take root before piling on further bombshells. Expose her to the examples of others who have managed to keep relationships alive - there are a lot of interesting and educational examples out there in internet land. Accept and discuss that your relationship may not be the same as it was and try to map out a new path acceptable to both - there will probably be some compromise here. Above all, don't make the mistake I did which was to seriously, seriously underestimate the degree of adjustment she is having to make. In retrospect now I can see some of what a wife has to go through, I didn't 'get it' at the time. Give it loads of time for her to make the adjustments she needs to - it seems like you have been dealing with this for some time - presumably it is all a bit new to her.
There are 'happy ever after' examples out there - we are one of them. We still don't have a shared sex life again yet, although that seems to be getting very much on the cards again, I have made some minor compromises to my preferred behaviour - but then, that is how any successful relationship flourishes. Its taken considerable time and the commitment of both of us, but we are now closer than we have ever been.
Hope this helps
Miranda
At our individual counselling sessions at the Gender clinic, my wife was told that the gender issues I am dealing with are in no way her fault and that she shouldn't attribute blame to herself. It was pointed out to her that, for whatever reason, BE IT NEED OR CHOICE , that I was the one who had broken the original contract which we had made under our marriage vows. Having reflected on this, I have to agree that this is pretty much the reality of the situation.
Meanwhile, It was being suggested to me that I might well have to accept that our relationship may never be the same again and that we might, if we wanted to remain together, have to redefine what we wanted and expected from each other with the compromises that that would entail. After getting over the jolt that this gave me, again, I have to agree this was a true reflection of the reality.
It strikes me that there are a couple of different scenarios which could be happening to you within the above framework.
a) You are doing what you are doing as a lifestyle choice rather than a deep seated necessity. In this case, then what happens is down to you alone although possibly in negotiation with your wife. You have to weigh up the relative priority you give to marriage vs gender expression and decide which one has to go or at least be compromised.
b) You have a full on gender identity crisis which you HAVE to deal with. In this case you have ceded responsibility to your wife to decide what she wants as it is you who have broken the contract. You will probably argue that it is not your fault that you are in this situation, but that is actually immaterial. The best thing you can do, assuming you want to retain some form of relationship with her, is to explain everything again and again but possibly in stages to avoid causing an extreme reaction. Drip feed the revelations and information allowing each step to take root before piling on further bombshells. Expose her to the examples of others who have managed to keep relationships alive - there are a lot of interesting and educational examples out there in internet land. Accept and discuss that your relationship may not be the same as it was and try to map out a new path acceptable to both - there will probably be some compromise here. Above all, don't make the mistake I did which was to seriously, seriously underestimate the degree of adjustment she is having to make. In retrospect now I can see some of what a wife has to go through, I didn't 'get it' at the time. Give it loads of time for her to make the adjustments she needs to - it seems like you have been dealing with this for some time - presumably it is all a bit new to her.
There are 'happy ever after' examples out there - we are one of them. We still don't have a shared sex life again yet, although that seems to be getting very much on the cards again, I have made some minor compromises to my preferred behaviour - but then, that is how any successful relationship flourishes. Its taken considerable time and the commitment of both of us, but we are now closer than we have ever been.
Hope this helps
Miranda
