Posts: 129
Threads: 16
Joined: Sep 2013
I had an appointment at the VA yesterday to check on the fast weight loss, and I wanted to say something about the recent resurgences of dysphoria that I have been having. We discussed other parts of my health and such, and it came to the point where she was mentioning something about my VA psychologist. I was saying how I was supposed to have another appointment with him, but I didn't see any scheduled. She says we can go ahead and schedule one with him.
That's when I decide that I should bring it up. I don't want to waste this opportunity to talk to my Dr about it, and I figure that this was a good time. This psychologist had absolutely refused to let me get HRT without going and living publicly as a woman for a year or two. Since it was a crazy time in my life, I decided I would try to just back burner the whole thing, and just live with it until I was in a more stable place (mentally and emotionally.) So when my Dr said she would schedule me an appointment with him again, I decided I was going to bring the GD up. I told her how I wanted to talk to someone other than who I've been talking to, and how it is something that is strong one day, but might be absent the next day, or just not as strong.
Without hesitation she said I could absolutely talk to someone else, and even asked if I wanted to set up an appointment with the endo! As much as I wanted to though, I said I would hold off on the endo appointment because I wanted to talk about some things with the pysch and my girlfriend first, but I'm actually very excited about this again!
The only thing is that I am realizing that I am always sliding between a male me, and a female me. I would say that I feel like I feel like a male 60-70% of the time, and female 30-40%. Obviously when I’m in male mode, I feel alright. I’m tall, can grow a great beard, broad shoulders, deep voice, it’s all good because man mode. The problem comes when I kick into female mode, then all that I just said (minus the tall part,) is just devastating.
I think what my new goal is to grow my breasts just enough where I can know for sure they aren’t just my guy pecks, so I can see that part and let the woman inside me out for a little while. If I grow my hair longer, I could get it to a length that would work with both (or I could get a wig.) I basically want to get to a point where I can fairly easily switch between the two modes and feel good at least decent about myself.
I talked to my girlfriend about it, who is pretty open minded and knows about my GD. I told her about the VA’s response, and her reaction has me with a bit of mixed feelings. She says that she is 100% supportive of me doing what I need to do to my body, but she seems to be worried about a few things: 1) that I will grow boobs bigger than hers, 2) that I will chop my penis off, 3) that once I start I won’t want to stop. She’s not into other girls, and straight up told me that she doesn’t think she’d be able to go down on me if I did get surgery. I told her that: 1) I don’t plan on having boobs bigger than hers, and that I just want to start with something that I can claim as my womanhood (maybe an A cup,) 2) that I have no intentions of getting rid of my penis, and 3) that I don’t want to do anything drastic, I want to move things along slow, and that I want to take little steps. I can understand her being worried about these things, and it didn’t really bother me. However, she began to try and ask me questions, trying to get to the root of my female side, and asking how I feel when I feel that way. I wasn’t sure how to respond, and I just told her that I feel disgusted with my masculine body, and just yearn for some sort of femininity from my body. She was also actually a little bothered by the fact that the VA would set me up with the endo so quickly, but I told her that I have had this diagnosis for about 2.5 years now, so that could be why they were so quick with it. It bothered me a bit that she was bothered by the liberal stance of the VA though.
The more she talked, she seemed to be slightly hesitant to the whole thing. I’m not sure if I’m not communicating well enough to her what my goal is or not, but I thought I had explained it pretty clear. She says she doesn’t want to be someone to get in the way of who I am supposed to be at all, and that I have already sacrificed enough of myself for others, that she wouldn’t want me to sacrifice who I really am for her. I told her that I am who I am, and that having her in my life is just as, if not more important to me because of how I feel like I can truly be myself with her. We talked some more, but I let the conversation kind of go out after she said the words “Well, there’s always the option of accepting and loving yourself the way you are.” I know what she meant, and that she meant well, but that really just hit me right in the heart for some reason. It felt like the truth of how she really feels is coming out, but she is too worried that admitting it will start driving a wedge between us. She doesn’t want to be a target for resentment, and I know there was quite a bit of that in my marriage. I told her as long as she is just there with me, and is openly accepting of me, then it shouldn’t be an issue. When all is said and done though, we both love each other very much and want to keep this great thing up!
