Anne Vitale writes:
Being gender dysphoric in a society that barely acknowledges the existence of such a condition requires the development of coping mechanisms. Some coping mechanisms are more overt and obvious than others. But no matter what the individual does to survive, one thing is certain, everyone who suffers from gender dysphoria must eventually come to terms with his or her situation.
For those of you that have/are experiencing gender dysphoria, what were/are your coping mechansms?
I grew up and lived my entire life up to a couple of years ago giving no outward indications that I was transsexual. Furthermore, I led my life responsibly and even excelled in a few areas. Still, since childhood I have been gender dysphoric, and that condition, in retrospect, now that it has been largely treated and no longer a problem for me, affected me in ways that limited the happiness and effectiveness in my personal life.
Being able to cope with my gender dysphoria, made it possible for me to avoid dealing with the condition directly. Of course, in my time, the professional understanding of gender issues was almost non-existent, so even if I had wanted to pursue treatment, no avenues were open to me to do so.
First, let me say that I exhibited no effeminacy in childhood. I was clearly identified by those around me as a boy and was never referred to as being a sissy. I avoided engaging in girls' activities, but avoided rough and tumble boys' activities. I was not socially a loner exactly, but preferred to have just one friend, and avoided groups. I read a lot, and enjoyed doing things on my own. People say I was reserved, but not really shy. I was not clumsy, but didn't enjoy team sports. I remember being envious of girls and fantasized being a girl, but never believed I was a girl.
I was not really aware of it at the time, but now I know that my GD exhibited itself as chronic mental stress and anxiety. I channeled it into excelling in academics, and later into my career. This served to distract me from my mental discomfort and feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. I didn't use cross-dressing as a coping mechanism, but did depend on closely guarded fantasy to help quell the tension and stress when distraction was not enough. I disliked my physical body and my overall appearance. This dislike grew stronger and stronger as I aged. I particularly hated body hair and would shave it when possible, but otherwise I simply avoided looking at myself in the mirror as much as I could. Also though I was sexually attracted to women, I never felt comfortable as a man in the bedroom. That was another source of anxiety that was particularly troublesome for me in my dating and my two marriages. I relied heavily on fantasy to overcome my inability to play the accepted male role in lovemaking.
Of course, those who have followed my story over the past two years, know that I discovered my female gender identity buried under my constructed male facade, and that I am now transitioning to living as a woman full-time. Rebalancing my sex hormones and altering my body and facial features to be more feminine have almost completely erased my GD. I'm fortunate to have a wife who is understanding and supportive of my transformation, so that the cost of my decision to transition as been mainly of a financial nature to cover the various medical procedures that I need to correct my "wrong body" discomfort.
Clara
Being gender dysphoric in a society that barely acknowledges the existence of such a condition requires the development of coping mechanisms. Some coping mechanisms are more overt and obvious than others. But no matter what the individual does to survive, one thing is certain, everyone who suffers from gender dysphoria must eventually come to terms with his or her situation.
For those of you that have/are experiencing gender dysphoria, what were/are your coping mechansms?
I grew up and lived my entire life up to a couple of years ago giving no outward indications that I was transsexual. Furthermore, I led my life responsibly and even excelled in a few areas. Still, since childhood I have been gender dysphoric, and that condition, in retrospect, now that it has been largely treated and no longer a problem for me, affected me in ways that limited the happiness and effectiveness in my personal life.
Being able to cope with my gender dysphoria, made it possible for me to avoid dealing with the condition directly. Of course, in my time, the professional understanding of gender issues was almost non-existent, so even if I had wanted to pursue treatment, no avenues were open to me to do so.
First, let me say that I exhibited no effeminacy in childhood. I was clearly identified by those around me as a boy and was never referred to as being a sissy. I avoided engaging in girls' activities, but avoided rough and tumble boys' activities. I was not socially a loner exactly, but preferred to have just one friend, and avoided groups. I read a lot, and enjoyed doing things on my own. People say I was reserved, but not really shy. I was not clumsy, but didn't enjoy team sports. I remember being envious of girls and fantasized being a girl, but never believed I was a girl.
I was not really aware of it at the time, but now I know that my GD exhibited itself as chronic mental stress and anxiety. I channeled it into excelling in academics, and later into my career. This served to distract me from my mental discomfort and feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. I didn't use cross-dressing as a coping mechanism, but did depend on closely guarded fantasy to help quell the tension and stress when distraction was not enough. I disliked my physical body and my overall appearance. This dislike grew stronger and stronger as I aged. I particularly hated body hair and would shave it when possible, but otherwise I simply avoided looking at myself in the mirror as much as I could. Also though I was sexually attracted to women, I never felt comfortable as a man in the bedroom. That was another source of anxiety that was particularly troublesome for me in my dating and my two marriages. I relied heavily on fantasy to overcome my inability to play the accepted male role in lovemaking.
Of course, those who have followed my story over the past two years, know that I discovered my female gender identity buried under my constructed male facade, and that I am now transitioning to living as a woman full-time. Rebalancing my sex hormones and altering my body and facial features to be more feminine have almost completely erased my GD. I'm fortunate to have a wife who is understanding and supportive of my transformation, so that the cost of my decision to transition as been mainly of a financial nature to cover the various medical procedures that I need to correct my "wrong body" discomfort.
Clara
Well, I could've written a fair amount of your post, Clara...
I try to subsume everything and "forget" the problem, but it's always echoing in the background - one thing you left out, I did a lot of things like the girls did. I carried my books across my chest, for instance. I preferred talking, and could talk to the girls pretty well, to roughousing with the boys (a fair number of them seemed to be thugs-in-training, though not necessarily mean-tempered; just aggressively rough. the mean-spirited ones are always a-holes, best solution is beating them down once and for all. but I digress.)
I admired the girl's swimsuits, the smoothness of their body; always embarrassed by my shape, the way my suit would cling to my body and highlight "a certain part"... And at the same time, I was chesty anyway, so it looked like I had boobs, but I hated wearing a shirt in the pool, so I'd go shirtless and have issues...
The girls got to paint their nails, wear jewelry, wear pretty clothes, break the rules, and they didn't hit each other.... And even as a child, I knew girls got better treatment, gentler treatment, just because they were girls.
Lastly, the biggest thing I didn't see you mention...
I've read it elsewhere, though.
I needed to wear a mask all the time, and I needed to think of everything I would say or do, BEFORE saying or doing it. Am I walking like a girl? (Found I used to; my knees would swing around each other, which is part of what creates a woman's sway.) Throwing like a girl? (Don't know, but I've found my entire shoulder girdle is a mess, could be the rotator cuffs, could be deltoids, could be other things too, since I've got my shoulders pinched "up" all the time, and hunched forward all the time...) Am I too gushing as I speak? Am I using too girly words? too many words? (I liked to write and speak, except that it was homework.) Colors, I LIKED bright colors! And lace, too, now I think about it. Satin was discovered a bit later... In my teens.
Coping mechanism, therefore, was to avoid contact with children (my peers), because I was generally smarter and more knowledgeable than they were (on everything), although the girls - who paid attention in school - could actually talk a bit. they didn't LIKE science or history much, but we could still talk. The boys...? Not so much, I was the outcast, and there were a few of us losers (not freaks, not geeks, at that time)... Less athletic, more intelligent, more knowledgeable.
So rather than filter everything, do solo activities.
Models. Model trains, too. TV. Computer games, later. Reading - I had a library of several hundred books by the time I was done, and most had been read. Many several times. Grade school was NOT a happy time. Limited socialization. And most of the girls wanted nothing to do with any of us... (boys, but especially "losers")
And then, better yet, I was given a choice between two all-boys Catholic Prep Schools. (The only good year I had in grade school was 8th grade, in public school. And it STILL had serious issues.)
So, high school not so great, either - but by then I had learned to hide who I was a bit more; and most guys weren't looking for the same "tells." But my parents wanted to make sure I didn't have any "distractions."
No escapes there, though: sports, clubs, theater, etc, all of it was late-night things... No walking to the train station after dark, essentially, and this was before cell phones. So I would've had to make friends with someone who had a car, convince the parents to let me ride with a teenage driver, and then I'd still already had the conversation about how everything was after school, and I was told in no uncertain terms I couldn't do that. I had to come HOME right away.
Then - topping it all off - I had to hide it all from my parents, because they'd make the Westboros look kind. People laugh when I say I'm a good actor.
If they only knew what we are inside!
I try to subsume everything and "forget" the problem, but it's always echoing in the background - one thing you left out, I did a lot of things like the girls did. I carried my books across my chest, for instance. I preferred talking, and could talk to the girls pretty well, to roughousing with the boys (a fair number of them seemed to be thugs-in-training, though not necessarily mean-tempered; just aggressively rough. the mean-spirited ones are always a-holes, best solution is beating them down once and for all. but I digress.)
I admired the girl's swimsuits, the smoothness of their body; always embarrassed by my shape, the way my suit would cling to my body and highlight "a certain part"... And at the same time, I was chesty anyway, so it looked like I had boobs, but I hated wearing a shirt in the pool, so I'd go shirtless and have issues...
The girls got to paint their nails, wear jewelry, wear pretty clothes, break the rules, and they didn't hit each other.... And even as a child, I knew girls got better treatment, gentler treatment, just because they were girls.
Lastly, the biggest thing I didn't see you mention...
I've read it elsewhere, though.
I needed to wear a mask all the time, and I needed to think of everything I would say or do, BEFORE saying or doing it. Am I walking like a girl? (Found I used to; my knees would swing around each other, which is part of what creates a woman's sway.) Throwing like a girl? (Don't know, but I've found my entire shoulder girdle is a mess, could be the rotator cuffs, could be deltoids, could be other things too, since I've got my shoulders pinched "up" all the time, and hunched forward all the time...) Am I too gushing as I speak? Am I using too girly words? too many words? (I liked to write and speak, except that it was homework.) Colors, I LIKED bright colors! And lace, too, now I think about it. Satin was discovered a bit later... In my teens.
Coping mechanism, therefore, was to avoid contact with children (my peers), because I was generally smarter and more knowledgeable than they were (on everything), although the girls - who paid attention in school - could actually talk a bit. they didn't LIKE science or history much, but we could still talk. The boys...? Not so much, I was the outcast, and there were a few of us losers (not freaks, not geeks, at that time)... Less athletic, more intelligent, more knowledgeable.
So rather than filter everything, do solo activities.
Models. Model trains, too. TV. Computer games, later. Reading - I had a library of several hundred books by the time I was done, and most had been read. Many several times. Grade school was NOT a happy time. Limited socialization. And most of the girls wanted nothing to do with any of us... (boys, but especially "losers")
And then, better yet, I was given a choice between two all-boys Catholic Prep Schools. (The only good year I had in grade school was 8th grade, in public school. And it STILL had serious issues.)
So, high school not so great, either - but by then I had learned to hide who I was a bit more; and most guys weren't looking for the same "tells." But my parents wanted to make sure I didn't have any "distractions."
No escapes there, though: sports, clubs, theater, etc, all of it was late-night things... No walking to the train station after dark, essentially, and this was before cell phones. So I would've had to make friends with someone who had a car, convince the parents to let me ride with a teenage driver, and then I'd still already had the conversation about how everything was after school, and I was told in no uncertain terms I couldn't do that. I had to come HOME right away.
Then - topping it all off - I had to hide it all from my parents, because they'd make the Westboros look kind. People laugh when I say I'm a good actor.
If they only knew what we are inside!
I did a lotta drugs. That was my best coping mechanism.
Of course, I also share many of the common experiences, but bit no longer feel the need, nor the desire to examine or recall my past. It's shaped me into the person who I am, and I am grateful for it....to a point that I don't lament it, at least. Lol
I'm really enjoying the present and looking towards the future now! To each their own though. I did my fair share of retrospective thinking and I think it can have value.
Of course, I also share many of the common experiences, but bit no longer feel the need, nor the desire to examine or recall my past. It's shaped me into the person who I am, and I am grateful for it....to a point that I don't lament it, at least. Lol
I'm really enjoying the present and looking towards the future now! To each their own though. I did my fair share of retrospective thinking and I think it can have value.
This post was last modified: 28-07-2015, 04:19 AM by SarahSchilling.
I must have just about drunk the southern hemisphere dry of red wine!! Couple of bottles a day minimum for as long as I can remember plus beer and spirits. I also threw myself with wild abandon into just about anything hedonistic - pretty off the wall sex stuff, fast cars and bikes (went well with being permanently drunk - but I got away with it), dabbled with drugs and majored in activities with a high degree of personal danger - anything to get the adrenaline pumping.
I wasn't aware I was burying something or numbing anything, or, maybe I did subconsciously know that I was sort of papering over the black hole at my core. I thought that what I was trying to do was to find the missing 'IT' which I assumed would be some sort of pleasure based thing (or a religious thing which, ironically, I have also delved into in some depth).
I too look forward but with a glance over my shoulder. I am who I am thanks to my past.
Miranda
I wasn't aware I was burying something or numbing anything, or, maybe I did subconsciously know that I was sort of papering over the black hole at my core. I thought that what I was trying to do was to find the missing 'IT' which I assumed would be some sort of pleasure based thing (or a religious thing which, ironically, I have also delved into in some depth).
I too look forward but with a glance over my shoulder. I am who I am thanks to my past.
Miranda
This post was last modified: 28-07-2015, 08:31 AM by Miranda-nata-est.
An interesting post from the LIZ DAY-BY-DAY blog:
Why Transition is the Overwhelming Treatment of Choice
Why Transition is the Overwhelming Treatment of Choice
Don't know if it is a coping mechanism but I have brought 5 hand bags in the last 2 months. 
I have been on a low dose of PM for just over 3 months and it is my new coping mechanism. Yeah I still have my moments (I have depression) but PM has definitely helped me.
Abby
I have been on a low dose of PM for just over 3 months and it is my new coping mechanism. Yeah I still have my moments (I have depression) but PM has definitely helped me.
Abby
Before I figured out I had GD, I'd cope by escaping into excessive video game playing. And I ate too much.
Now I cope buy dieting and exercising towards a goal that actually works for me, and on low dose PM. Which is so far being more generous than I have bargained for.
In accouple years I might be forced to go all the way with this, rather than half way. And if I have to I think I am at peace with it.
- JJ
Clara, Dianna
I have to say my youth matched up a lot with yours. Up to several years ago I was going nuts on what to do. Then I discovered the Hemingway test.
My Hemingway gender test tells me I need both genders in my life to be complete and I find its correct.
http://www.hemingways.org/GIDinfo/sage
I was always interested in how beautiful girls looked and always had more girl friends than boys. My guy friends were all into Playboy and I would get teased, because I enjoyed the dressed girls much better than the naked ones. Now I know I was thinking how nice it would be to be wearing their clothes and to be them.
I loved to look at the sears catalog and the womens dresses. Little did I suspect I was looking for one for me.
Like Clara said, when we were growing up there was no knowledge of this, so we lived the gender role that we were physically born to. Today we have the internet and support groups to help us all out, at least we have someone to talk to about what makes us different.
Bobbi
I have to say my youth matched up a lot with yours. Up to several years ago I was going nuts on what to do. Then I discovered the Hemingway test.
My Hemingway gender test tells me I need both genders in my life to be complete and I find its correct.
http://www.hemingways.org/GIDinfo/sage
I was always interested in how beautiful girls looked and always had more girl friends than boys. My guy friends were all into Playboy and I would get teased, because I enjoyed the dressed girls much better than the naked ones. Now I know I was thinking how nice it would be to be wearing their clothes and to be them.
I loved to look at the sears catalog and the womens dresses. Little did I suspect I was looking for one for me.
Like Clara said, when we were growing up there was no knowledge of this, so we lived the gender role that we were physically born to. Today we have the internet and support groups to help us all out, at least we have someone to talk to about what makes us different.
Bobbi
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