[Dana Mantra Eon]

Hi everyone, I'm Dana. It's the most feminized version of my legal name (David) that I can think of and still enjoy. Mantra Eon is just an anagram of my last name.

I've been lurking here for about two years, and just a couple of days ago, I felt ready to take the plunge: I ordered a three month supply of Ainterol PM pills.
Giddiness and excitement, however, have been quickly replaced with regret, doubt, and a number of other confusing emotions. Which is why I've decided to post here and ask for the help of those who've been there.

I'll try to be brief. I'm twenty five, biologically male, and I've been extremely attracted to the idea of mtf transition since about the age of fourteen. It started with mtf hypnosis on the site Warpmymind, and then carried over into an obsession with transsexual pornography. (Although I must admit, I've always been turned on by transformations of any kind (various cartoon transformations were responsible for pretty much all my childhood erections)). I never saw the porn as a way to just observe. The turn on was always about imagining myself as the woman: To be sexy, smooth, thin, wanted, desired, the bottom, submissive, pretty, etc. A fantasy that seems to be a pretty common narrative for transsexuals figuring themselves out. Over the years, comparing my story to others, I figured I was the perfect candidate.

I've tried a lot of things, such as: Crossdressing, self medicating pharma-hrt, shaving my body, voice training, hypnosis, and meditation to try to give myself what some part of me seems to desperately ask for. And every time I've take those steps I feel heavy, dead, in absolute disgust with myself, etc. Granted, at first, I'm usually high as a kite off the idea. Turned on, excited, happy to be finally giving myself my fantasy. And then, I'll masturbate a few times, and it'll go away. Then it comes back, then it goes away again, comes back, etc. Slowly peeling down to a constant state of heaviness. The worst of this was when I tried hrt. I got about a month and a half in, had some moderation budding, and by then- I had a feeling like I had just killed my soul. I stopped. And I didn't really think about transition too much until I discovered this place.

I thought the PM might be different. I've never tried herbs before, and I thought that it might affect me better than online purchased hrt. I figured it'd be a really good test to see how genuine my feelings are. Well, it's only been two days since I ordered it, and the mere thought of trying it is completely draining me of all motivation, emotions, etc. but the kick is that the second I turn away, I'm right back to wanting it. I'm all over the porn, imagining myself as a pre-op, and the like.

I feel like I'm trapped in a circle. Has anyone been through this? What should I do?

Thank you all for taking the time to read.

(edits have all been formatting related)

[WantAPair]

Welcome do the forum!
First: have you tried the name, Davida? (Dah-vee-dah)
Second: Transition is NOT exactly something you just feel like doing. First off, you're going from a low maintenance body to a high maintenance body! Secondly, once it's done, there's no coming back! At least not 100%. General consensus is: a transgendered person is someone that just KNOWS, from day one, that they are NOT in the right body! The ONLY solution for them is to have that thing they have between their legs REMOVED at pretty much ANY cost!! They find it hard to function with it there and HAVE to have it rectified to fit who they really are!! If it's not a life or death situation, be at LEAST 100% sure that it's what you REALLY want!!
I met a guy in the early `90's who was convinced he wanted a sex change! I met him post-op, or at least post-HRT. I never knew if he'd gone all the way or just grew his tits and never got around to getting the bottom done. Well, after he'd gone through the psychological evaluation and everything else and at least grew a fairly nice set of B cups, he decided he didn't want it! About 10 years after I met him, he had his tits removed. I suspect he DID get the bottom half done, because, even though he was ALWAYS in guy mode ever since I met him, and probably a few years before that, he always sat down to pee!
Anyway, you'd better make DAMN sure it's what you REALLY want!! If there was never a question at all, that'd be different!
There are companies that specially make female costumes out of silicone rubber and they look VERY realistic (except for the masks!)! Maybe you should try one of those, first, to see what it's going to be like! On one hand, in some cases, those bits cost at least 1/3 of the amount it takes to get an SRS, but, on the other hand, they aren't permanent! Drive around in them, kick the tires, see if it's really what you want!! There ARE people that'll buy them second hand, as long as they're clean and well taken care of.
Good luck!!

[rachel-rache]

Wow you sound very similar to me, except I haven't actually tried any hormones yet.

I haven't been able to remotely find anyone like me until I read your post in regard to how as a kid I would be turned on by childhood cartoons involving transformation (e.g. Gargoyles, Animorphs, Goosebumps). I can write an essay about that topic

Your post makes me wonder if I would have the same feelings as during moments of guilt I would feel dead inside sometimes, or feel like it can really happen. How bad (if at all) are your moments of guilt after ejaculation?

I've been dying to know how my sexual drive, leanings, and level of gender dysphoria may change if I were on estrogen, and your post has given me a lot of insight as to what it may be.

[WantAPair]

Have you ever seen this?
https://youtu.be/j_Y6P_M5qKI

[Dana Mantra Eon]

WantAPair:

I actually thought of Davida, but honestly, it just doesn't sound very pretty to me. I'd much prefer Dana. Besides, how could I not like sounding like Scully ? As far as having the thing between my legs removed? That's never been what I've wanted. I would always want to remain pre-op (so far as I've ever known in the ten years I've been wanting this). I have found it very hard to function in day to day life with this constantly on my mind. After all, living life as a woman would be very different for me. So long as that desire is there it sort of constantly gnaws at me, and so far, I haven't found a way to either satisfy the urge, or, get rid of it.

I'm not really interested in silicone costuming. I'm sure it's fun for some, but for me, that just isn't the turn on.

I have seen clips of the transformations from Zerophilia, and hundreds of other snippets of tg related fiction.

bobowo:

Yeah, peas in a pod right? I didn't have the chance to watch Gargoyles as a child, but I do recall a certain goosebumps book about the kids turning into dogs really getting to me in a sexual way (long before I ever knew what sex was).

After ejaculation? It depends on how determined I was beforehand to go through with it all. If I was just having fun, it isn't that strong. But if I was dead set on transition, the guilt is... pretty nasty. Instant thoughts of "but that's not what I am."

Goodness knows Estrofem and Spiro didn't sit well with me. Although I might not have been on them long enough to get good mental benefits. /shrug. PM seems like a better option as a test, since I can get it without a prescription.

[rachel-rache]

What did your doctor that prescribed your pharma hormones say about your gender dysphoria? He/she must have thought it was severe enough right? Are you saying they are wrong? I've also been wondering if they would prescribe me a low/trial dose to see how I would react. Like I've said before i just want to know how strong my feelings are without the bias of a sex drive.

[Dana Mantra Eon]

I didn't get mine through a doctor. I was in a situation where I could not afford enough therapy to get a letter, so I decided to self med for a bit.

If you'd like to try a low dose of actual HRT, my suggestion would be to either find a therapist, and get your endo letter, or- if you have an informed consent clinic in your area, there's that.

[rachel-rache]

oh, when you mentioned spiro I thought those were prescription. I guess there are other ways to get them

Yeah as soon as I have a stable job situation with my insurance I am going to bring up this topic to my general physician.

[icarous80]

Oh damn, I'm in the same situation. Feeling completely goes away after orgasm but before it I have a totally overwhelming desire to transform myself into a woman. I've heard it described as autogynephilia or crossdreaming.

[sfem]

Dana, it sounds like you have already done a lot of the research and are quite knowledgeable. I am guessing you also already know that therapy may well be something that could help, but I see your comment about being able to afford it. I'm not sure what else there is. The thing about losing motivation after orgasm is quite common among people who aren't subscribers to the gender binary model. I suppose you don't have the faith in yourself to simply accept that the gender binary is a myth and there is nothing wrong with you? That you can enjoy the things that make you happy, and that they don't have to be consistently at one end of the spectrum or the other? You can enjoy feeling fem or looking fem and then enjoy feeling masculine. You don't actually have to pick one or the other. If you truly feel driven to pick one, then therapy is probably the only avenue to help you find acceptance of yourself. Whether that is professional therapy, or meditation, or whatever I cannot say. Everyone is unique.