(10-08-2015, 12:59 PM)sfem Wrote: I find this so sexually stereotypical of patriarchal culture that I not only did not choose anything in the poll, I will take the time to comment on it.
Household chores are not a gender thing unless you make it one. They are also not a domination/subservience thing unless you make it those things. Doing household tasks is like driving, shopping, eating, washing, defecating/urinating. It is all simply part of being alive, and what parts interest you have nothing to do with what parts need to be done. Earning money should not be a means of gaining control of anyone you actually care about. If you bring in money, it should be to the benefit of the whole, not as a stick to force compliance.
I have recently found myself wanting to be less and less involved in much of the trans/cross community simply because so much of it seems to thoroughly confuse the power/control/dominance/violence/pain themes with the gender/presentation themes. It just seems like so many people think that wanting to wear something considered feminine or have female bodily attributes must mean you want to be hurt physically or mentally. I will be very disappointed if this forum wanders down that road. We have always done a fair job here of keeping sexual themes secondary to the primary topic of growing or enlarging breasts regardless of motivation.
I should probably just stay away. I'm sure I'm just pissing into the wind on this.
I'm guessing this is somewhat directed towards me. :-)
First of all, I don't see "chores" per se as a gendered thing.
But I didn't sign on to be a drudge. Nor the beast of burden. Nor to be disrespected by the woman, who wants to pretend she's the pretty princess, but ride me like sea biscuit if I'm not pulling "my share" of the chores - while she does NONE, in turn. See again, "Princess" above.
I don't think that a 50/50 division can work, either. As an example: She's home earlier in the evening (shorter commute + shorter work day + she drives while I'm on public transport.) Do I come home to a clean house? Dinner cooked? Errands run? Nope! I get to do those, and we run errands when she picks me up at the train station.
Now, to be fair / interest of full disclosure, some things CAN'T be done. (What else is new, Murphy reigns! ;-) )
But do I expect dinner on the table, the floors swept, and to be served like a king? No.
But if I'm working longer, leaving first in the morning, getting home later in the evening, do you think she could take care of say, buying dinner in that half hour she has before I get home? Might that be fair...?
Or dropping off the water bill or electric bill? getting a stamp to mail the dentist's bill? No, that's beneath her, unless I come too...
So that's the reason for my rants.
It's funny, too - this woman is a professional secretary who is currently streaming video at work on Netflix, because she has NOTHING to do. I'm an IT Guru, doing testing, coding, and analysis of tests. Reporting on the results, reporting on the metrics of my work, tracking the time, and obviously screwing around on here, too.
So if we want to talk equality: Why does it always fall to me to clean, do laundry, cook, sort laundry, do dishes, take out trash, check the bills, bring home the bacon, do the food shopping, confirm the bills are paid...? Because MOST of my daytime hours are spent dealing with one or another crisis, and she KNOWS this; but she thinks that answering to a boss who can be LITERALLY breathing down your neck, adjusting your report for the 15th time, is the same as being a bored secretary.
Further, she doesn't care about her appearance (She'd dispute that, but at 260# and 5'6" with varicose veins and more cellulite than Rosie O'Donnel, I think I'm closer to correct). She plays the Girly card when she's tired (read: doesn't feel like doing something.) But when she's ready to go, you better not even BLINK the wrong way.
This is why I say she is domineering, not dominant, and also why it gets tied to BDSM, for the definitions. It's not about pain, it is about dominance, though. Not yelling orders; making sure things get done, without noise or fuss. Not worrying about who does what (She keeps score, and it MUST be in her favor, ALWAYS) - just making sure things get done. I don't demand her submission, though it might sound that way. But when she meets someone new, and they talk about meeting for dinner? Right away, she states how I can't drink sake, because I get nasty... (For reasons stated previously, I MIGHT get a bit nasty, yes. Bankruptcy, when you were trusting this woman to handle the finances, and get blindsided that way? Yes, you MIGHT be a bit nasty.)
But she can take trips to see old friends in New jersey, NO PROBLEM... (Including when we had one car and I had the dog to care for.)
So, anyway, I'll end that; maybe leave this here as a response for a few days, then delete it as it's all OT.
the Poll, however, IS spot-on for this aspect.
Men and Women tend to cluster around one or the other pole of Masculine or Feminine. The question, I think, was: If you're trending towards, or journeying towards, that feminine pole, is you SO migrating to the masculine pole?
Mine has pushed me into being a nasty, arrogant SOB. She uses her feminine side to avoid labor, and takes charge whenever you haven't nailed down everything - which is defined by her, of course. I spent years just staying out of the way, and I went to sleep some nights uncertain I'd wake up in the morning. And it is the loneliest sense in the world to know you cannot even touch her, because she'll throw a fit, and you'll both be up all night, because you're "tickling." Now she wonders why I don't have any interest, when she literally throws herself at me... So very feminine, an 42nd street hooker would be ashamed.
If I cut her a picometer of slack, she's on my @$$ about something. If I'm not verbally abusive, I'm steamrolled.
Not what I signed up for, Male OR female.
And for comparison, I dated a nurse before this who, although she had several nights she got to my place and fell asleep on the couch while I made dinner.... One time I almost had to CARRY her to the couch...
I was never EXPECTED to take care of her. She was a woman who WANTED to be with me, and I was happy to make her dinner if needed or wanted, or to cook with her when she made dinner. But I could touch her... I could talk to her. I wasn't an accoutrement, I was a part of her life because we wanted to be together. I got hard just driving down to see her. We would do things together and have fun, even if it was just hiking or driving or exploring a trail.
And I never had to keep my pimp hand strong.
Yet with this one, I've worn the damn pimp FIST out, and she's STILL about as cooperative as a bull that knows he's going to get snipped...
So I'm ranting, because it's an example of how things can go wrong. It's a warning.
We've had the "trust" discussion; neither trusts the other.
We've had the "love" discussion; she thinks that's all she needs to bring to the table.
We've talked directions in life; we're going different ways.
Yet I'm worried, based on her divorce and actions against others, including her daughter, that I'd end up in prison or dead. I don't know WHAT she's capable of. So I figure it's time to cash out; but no matter what I stop spending, the account is empty at the end of the month. I just took a $30K pay cut; we're in BETTER financial shape than before. Even allowing for taxes, one must wonder: How have we lived on 120K? then $140K? And now $120K again, only now it's salaried... ? We used to squeak by on $75K with money left over, PLUS her income.
So where does it go? It's not going to me; I eat out lunch @ $7.00/meal, when I don't bring from home. We're splitting dinners, too, so a 15-oz steak feeds us both. And the dog is dead, so no more $3,000 a month in HIS medical expenses... But we still have her $6,000 medical debt from what, 5 years ago, hanging out there?
And I don't go to the doctor, so I'm not the cost there.
see, if you're the Man In Charge, you take CARE of these things. Feed the family. House the family. Guide the family. They are under your care. You don't decide you want the day off, and they can fend for themselves - but better bow and kneel when you deign to return. You don't say, "I paid the water bill," unless you actually DID pay the water bill. Stamped, mailed, check enclosed, money credited from the account in your ledger, it's NOT THERE even though the check hasn't been cashed. No post-dating, or kiting, or robbing Peter to pay Paul. If you need to do those things, you are living beyond your (or MY, anyway) means. If you're not saving a little each month, you're living beyond your means. If you figure you can quit any job you don't like and fall back on the cushion of my income, you ain't no adult, baby.
So tell me again: I'm the man? Or the Woman? I want the breasts, and the pretty, and the thin, lithe, graceful beautiful side.... But I expect to be an adult, have my job, and keep things going. I expect a little respect for my contributions - not just a, "what have you done for me lately?"
So maybe Patriarchy would be useful, so I could deal with the problem myself.
Because I can't embrace the, "You Go GIRL!!!" attitude - it's You go girl, and don't you EVER come back.
It would be different if she actually worked a regular job. If she'd actually checked for jobs before quitting that first one. If she'd been decent towards me when I was stressing the commute, and we didn't have money to put GAS in the CAR, let alone pay the tolls.... but she decided, for example, that she wanted Popeye's chicken, and took the bus a mile up the road to buy herself lunch.... I'd gone without coffee for months. And I kept after the tolls, and scrounged money for gas.... She thought I should DEMAND, as a contractor, to work remotely.
Something smells, ladies and gentlemen, and it's not me.
You want the job, you do it ALL. No picking and choosing. And your counterpart gives you what you need and deserve for that labor. And if you can't work on that feminine pole, don't present yourself as that feminine creature, just to gain resources from the MAN who IS doing the role, and then disrespect him whenever you want.
He might get nasty when he drinks... Spout some harsh words, after you've shredded his self-image and stolen his future and destroyed his family.
Where most men would've sliced her into filets.
Give me patriarchy any day, even if I can't have breasts then, I'll have a woman who is a counterpart, instead of someone jockeying for position as head of household.
Those roles evolved for a reason. Funny how men still respond to sweet girls, and women still respond to dominant men... Tell me again how it's all "social constructs." I guess being Transgendered is all in our head, too.
Just socialization, right?
Never mind, I'm back to lurking.
