10-08-2015, 02:30 PM
Hi, Dana.
I'm going to probably sound like a pompous @$$ here, but... ;-)
First off, WantAPair nailed a lot of it.
Second, the "guilt" aspect is common, I'd suggest you Google Anne Vitale and read some of her stuff. Also, it's an exaggeration of normal male post-sex responses. The hormone dump following an ejaculation will cause those feelings in a normal, healthy male mind; I believe it's simply exaggerated in our minds, as a result of "improper wiring." So, Because our brain is configured this way, we expect to get Signal A, Signal B, Signal C... Instead, we get Signal X, Signal Y, Signal Z. Normal for a male, X, Y, Z, are; they, or the corresponding LACK of A, B, C, causes an exaggeration of what we SHOULD be feeling.
So, a male is sort of depleted and depressive after ejaculation. Woman tends to be a bit "up," the "cuddle and talk about the relationship" bit? He just wants to go to sleep.
We EXPECT the "uppers" in the bloodstream, and our brain is desperately seeking those substances - and instead of the oxytocin and the endorphins we need, our body is seeing the release and the dopamine and serotonin is (doing whatever, I forget and am too lazy to look it up), and so we get only the "downer" effects.
So, question is, how do we manage it?
You said you've tried pharma meds, and it didn't make you feel better:
"I've tried a lot of things, such as: Crossdressing, self medicating pharma-hrt, shaving my body, voice training, hypnosis, and meditation to try to give myself what some part of me seems to desperately ask for. And every time I've take those steps I feel heavy, dead, in absolute disgust with myself, etc. Granted, at first, I'm usually high as a kite off the idea. Turned on, excited, happy to be finally giving myself my fantasy. And then, I'll masturbate a few times, and it'll go away. Then it comes back, then it goes away again, comes back, etc. Slowly peeling down to a constant state of heaviness. The worst of this was when I tried hrt. I got about a month and a half in, had some moderation budding, and by then- I had a feeling like I had just killed my soul. I stopped. And I didn't really think about transition too much until I discovered this place. "
I think, given where I came from and think I am going to, that you'd be best served by going the "crossdresser" route for a while. Lots of advantages there, since you won't have permanent changes; biggest loss there is, hip curves. Though since you're 25, it would be an unlikely change anyway, the bones have probably hardened... :-P
Now, most of us have gone through the CD phase on our journey, and I doubt most stayed at that level. But it'll give you time to make the grooming part of your life, to learn about makeup, to get a better level of fitness if needed (I keep reading its near impossible to lose fat when on HRT, especially pharma HRT - and the appetite doesn't drop as fast as the need for the calories does!)... And you could if you wanted, do a social transition, similar to a Real Life Test (RLExperience is used, too) - which would also tell you how you would like to be a woman full-time. It's more than just a weekend experience, and there are risks to consider - you'll be at risk because you're seen as a woman, and even more if there's a sexual side to it - can be VERY risky for transgender or transsexual individuals.
If you have a nearby city, and a decent income stream, you can easily plan to learn at home, E.G., buy some clothes, learn to walk in heels and do basic makeup (if you haven't already), and when you're getting "better" at it - look into the drag scene in the city. Purpose: Learn tricks of transforming the body from the queens, mostly. ;-) Tone them down, but make the mannerisms of a woman into part of WHO you are, if you're not doing that already. Expect to be labelled as gay at that point, so be careful about it - but it'll be a milestone, if you get seen as a woman, or even a gay male. If you are perceived as gay, you might want to look into why; again, drag scene would help, as you'll have people who can answer you from the observer perspective.
Since you're in "the city," though, you should be able to move pretty freely.
And you could do couch surfing for a few weekends, living as a girl, or rent a hotel room, depending on income stream, and live as a girl a few weekends every month, even. The idea is, see if you want to be a woman all your life.
One thing that stuck out to me as a "red flag" though..
You'll hear people talking about the "pink fog" here. Also on other boards. It's that exuberant feeling you mentioned? That, "YAY, THE WORLD IS GREAT!!!!" that came before the release and subsequent depression?
That, plus the HRT experiment you mentioned, makes me think you might want to NOT transition. for most of us, we get estrogen, we want to get MORE estrogen, and MORE and FASTER changes. From what you've said, it sounds like you end up depressed and upset.
This would be the exact OPPOSITE of what's expected...
Something to consider, though - men don't LIKE tension. Your mind on Testosterone will want to get RID of the sexual tension. Woman's mind is wired differently, it's part of her arousal to enjoy the tension. Perhaps it would be beneficial to split the masturbation and release from the porn and crossdressing? Do the "masturbate like a girl" sort of routine, and per CandiFLA on Youtube, work on voice at the same time. ;-)
Maybe if you want to masturbate, remove all the feminine clothes first? And see what happens....
Controversial part, too, is Autogynephilia. I think it's gotten a bad rap, and isn't completely off-base. As males, we do tend to love the sight of a pretty woman. That includes ourselves, when we dress up well. So the visual arousal can could the rest.
Then, the theory has also been twisted into something beyond that (parallel to evolution; Darwin didn't say things evolved, he said that the best traits were passed on most often, and the RESULT was an evolution.) So, the shrinks want to place us in a box, and the autogynephilia label allows them to classify us - pigeon-hole us.
But I've known more than one woman who got turned on looking at attractive women, too. Not a "hardon" type of arousal, but noting the competition, wishing they had "X" appearance, say - those breasts, to frame that necklace so well... Etc. Not a real lust, just, "ooh, pretty..." ;-)
Since we're in an "in between" state, maybe we have the same arousal, and at the same time, we've got that heavy-handed male response, "OOH! UGG F*CK!"
So maybe splitting things apart and analyzing a bit would be best, and probably look for a support group or therapist to talk with, examine issues with. Lots of time can be spent on looking female, before you decide to go the rest of the way.
But at the same time, you're leaving the prime time for transition. YOLO, so consider, plan, and execute. ;-)
the "consider" phase is meant to make sure you're not going the wrong way - hence, don't jump into hormones first, and THEN decide to get electrolysis... Or wait until you're old and gray, and THEN go for Laser treatments... (Doesn't work on the grays...)
Figure, a year to work through your thoughts and get some real "girl time" in society, and move on from that point. but discuss the hormones and the feelings while on them with a therapist or others who have been there, as I know from personal experience - the "pink fog" of euphoria and wanting to continue is there waiting to swallow me whole, and I'd LOVE to be able to take a running leap - but there are costs and problems, too.
so far, those costs and problems are winning; you have the opportunity to perhaps avoid some of those entanglements. (E.G., family obligations).
Just my thoughts on what you've said. Being feminine is more than boobs and skirts. Lots of genetic girls can't (be bothered to, or can't) pull it off.... ;-)
I'm going to probably sound like a pompous @$$ here, but... ;-)
First off, WantAPair nailed a lot of it.
Second, the "guilt" aspect is common, I'd suggest you Google Anne Vitale and read some of her stuff. Also, it's an exaggeration of normal male post-sex responses. The hormone dump following an ejaculation will cause those feelings in a normal, healthy male mind; I believe it's simply exaggerated in our minds, as a result of "improper wiring." So, Because our brain is configured this way, we expect to get Signal A, Signal B, Signal C... Instead, we get Signal X, Signal Y, Signal Z. Normal for a male, X, Y, Z, are; they, or the corresponding LACK of A, B, C, causes an exaggeration of what we SHOULD be feeling.
So, a male is sort of depleted and depressive after ejaculation. Woman tends to be a bit "up," the "cuddle and talk about the relationship" bit? He just wants to go to sleep.
We EXPECT the "uppers" in the bloodstream, and our brain is desperately seeking those substances - and instead of the oxytocin and the endorphins we need, our body is seeing the release and the dopamine and serotonin is (doing whatever, I forget and am too lazy to look it up), and so we get only the "downer" effects.
So, question is, how do we manage it?
You said you've tried pharma meds, and it didn't make you feel better:
"I've tried a lot of things, such as: Crossdressing, self medicating pharma-hrt, shaving my body, voice training, hypnosis, and meditation to try to give myself what some part of me seems to desperately ask for. And every time I've take those steps I feel heavy, dead, in absolute disgust with myself, etc. Granted, at first, I'm usually high as a kite off the idea. Turned on, excited, happy to be finally giving myself my fantasy. And then, I'll masturbate a few times, and it'll go away. Then it comes back, then it goes away again, comes back, etc. Slowly peeling down to a constant state of heaviness. The worst of this was when I tried hrt. I got about a month and a half in, had some moderation budding, and by then- I had a feeling like I had just killed my soul. I stopped. And I didn't really think about transition too much until I discovered this place. "
I think, given where I came from and think I am going to, that you'd be best served by going the "crossdresser" route for a while. Lots of advantages there, since you won't have permanent changes; biggest loss there is, hip curves. Though since you're 25, it would be an unlikely change anyway, the bones have probably hardened... :-P
Now, most of us have gone through the CD phase on our journey, and I doubt most stayed at that level. But it'll give you time to make the grooming part of your life, to learn about makeup, to get a better level of fitness if needed (I keep reading its near impossible to lose fat when on HRT, especially pharma HRT - and the appetite doesn't drop as fast as the need for the calories does!)... And you could if you wanted, do a social transition, similar to a Real Life Test (RLExperience is used, too) - which would also tell you how you would like to be a woman full-time. It's more than just a weekend experience, and there are risks to consider - you'll be at risk because you're seen as a woman, and even more if there's a sexual side to it - can be VERY risky for transgender or transsexual individuals.
If you have a nearby city, and a decent income stream, you can easily plan to learn at home, E.G., buy some clothes, learn to walk in heels and do basic makeup (if you haven't already), and when you're getting "better" at it - look into the drag scene in the city. Purpose: Learn tricks of transforming the body from the queens, mostly. ;-) Tone them down, but make the mannerisms of a woman into part of WHO you are, if you're not doing that already. Expect to be labelled as gay at that point, so be careful about it - but it'll be a milestone, if you get seen as a woman, or even a gay male. If you are perceived as gay, you might want to look into why; again, drag scene would help, as you'll have people who can answer you from the observer perspective.
Since you're in "the city," though, you should be able to move pretty freely.
And you could do couch surfing for a few weekends, living as a girl, or rent a hotel room, depending on income stream, and live as a girl a few weekends every month, even. The idea is, see if you want to be a woman all your life.
One thing that stuck out to me as a "red flag" though..
You'll hear people talking about the "pink fog" here. Also on other boards. It's that exuberant feeling you mentioned? That, "YAY, THE WORLD IS GREAT!!!!" that came before the release and subsequent depression?
That, plus the HRT experiment you mentioned, makes me think you might want to NOT transition. for most of us, we get estrogen, we want to get MORE estrogen, and MORE and FASTER changes. From what you've said, it sounds like you end up depressed and upset.
This would be the exact OPPOSITE of what's expected...
Something to consider, though - men don't LIKE tension. Your mind on Testosterone will want to get RID of the sexual tension. Woman's mind is wired differently, it's part of her arousal to enjoy the tension. Perhaps it would be beneficial to split the masturbation and release from the porn and crossdressing? Do the "masturbate like a girl" sort of routine, and per CandiFLA on Youtube, work on voice at the same time. ;-)
Maybe if you want to masturbate, remove all the feminine clothes first? And see what happens....
Controversial part, too, is Autogynephilia. I think it's gotten a bad rap, and isn't completely off-base. As males, we do tend to love the sight of a pretty woman. That includes ourselves, when we dress up well. So the visual arousal can could the rest.
Then, the theory has also been twisted into something beyond that (parallel to evolution; Darwin didn't say things evolved, he said that the best traits were passed on most often, and the RESULT was an evolution.) So, the shrinks want to place us in a box, and the autogynephilia label allows them to classify us - pigeon-hole us.
But I've known more than one woman who got turned on looking at attractive women, too. Not a "hardon" type of arousal, but noting the competition, wishing they had "X" appearance, say - those breasts, to frame that necklace so well... Etc. Not a real lust, just, "ooh, pretty..." ;-)
Since we're in an "in between" state, maybe we have the same arousal, and at the same time, we've got that heavy-handed male response, "OOH! UGG F*CK!"
So maybe splitting things apart and analyzing a bit would be best, and probably look for a support group or therapist to talk with, examine issues with. Lots of time can be spent on looking female, before you decide to go the rest of the way.
But at the same time, you're leaving the prime time for transition. YOLO, so consider, plan, and execute. ;-)
the "consider" phase is meant to make sure you're not going the wrong way - hence, don't jump into hormones first, and THEN decide to get electrolysis... Or wait until you're old and gray, and THEN go for Laser treatments... (Doesn't work on the grays...)
Figure, a year to work through your thoughts and get some real "girl time" in society, and move on from that point. but discuss the hormones and the feelings while on them with a therapist or others who have been there, as I know from personal experience - the "pink fog" of euphoria and wanting to continue is there waiting to swallow me whole, and I'd LOVE to be able to take a running leap - but there are costs and problems, too.
so far, those costs and problems are winning; you have the opportunity to perhaps avoid some of those entanglements. (E.G., family obligations).
Just my thoughts on what you've said. Being feminine is more than boobs and skirts. Lots of genetic girls can't (be bothered to, or can't) pull it off.... ;-)
