[Dana Mantra Eon]

Well, all I know right now is I'm not happy with where I'm at. For whatever reason, I feel pulled towards wanting to be more female. It just also happens to cause mental and emotional turmoil to do so. I'm not sure where I fall on the spectrum, but I'd like to really find it. It's not acceptable to me for this to cause stress for the rest of my life.

[jannet.duff]

Well, all I know right now is I'm not happy with where I'm at. For whatever reason, I feel pulled towards wanting to be more female. It just also happens to cause mental and emotional turmoil to do so. I'm not sure where I fall on the spectrum, but I'd like to really find it. It's not acceptable to me for this to cause stress for the rest of my life.

Ok, let me put my thoughts forward , see if it helps any. From my own experience
.

I have felt "wrong" since before I started school. I recall trying on my sisters dress when I was @ 4 years of age or so, it felt right, it felt like as it should be. However, mother was not happy, that's not the clothes that " boys " wear. I always had dreams were I was a girl, in my dreams I had breasts that I could feel the weight, the bounce, the warmth.

Since being told that " boys " don't wear girls clothes, I kept my feeling, my thoughts to myself, whenever I had the chance I would dress in my sisters clothes, and yes as I got older it was sexual, but only as much as seeing my self as I needed to feel. I did come out to a girlfriend once, and it ended badly. Not only did we break up, but she told most of my friends. I decided to bury my feelings, keep them buried, try to be what by birth certificate suggests I am.

You can hold off for some time, but not forever. I got married, had kids, but still got the need to dress up once in a while. The difference I found, I now hated myself. I dispised the person in the mirror, the old "man" in the girls clothes. There was nothing sexual, it was a feeling, something I needed to do, until I did it, then I was disappointed with myself. Then this internal conflict, I was not true to myself. I would work 50, 60, 80 hrs a week just to give myself something else to think about.

Eventually, even that did not work. After many sleepless nights, I finally let my wife of 25 years know my secret. After finding this site and starting the NBE herbs, I no longer feel wrong when I try to be me. I have joined a group and find it helps enormously.

My point in all this, you need to find balance. It's very doubtful your feelings will ever completely go away. If it's any help at all, your not alone.

[Dana Mantra Eon]

Thank you for sharing your story jannet.duff I really don't know if it can go away or not. I had a dream that I was a girl in my high school days, but it was never a reoccurring thing. I've also never had much of a strong compulsion for cross-dressing in particular.

My PM arrived today. I'm not sure if I'll take it or not. I've been more depressed this week since... a very, very, long time. It seems when I think about not doing it, I feel way lighter, and better about myself. Then I come back...

/shrug.

[jannet.duff]

Thank you for sharing your story jannet.duff I really don't know if it can go away or not. I had a dream that I was a girl in my high school days, but it was never a reoccurring thing. I've also never had much of a strong compulsion for cross-dressing in particular.

My PM arrived today. I'm not sure if I'll take it or not. I've been more depressed this week since... a very, very, long time. It seems when I think about not doing it, I feel way lighter, and better about myself. Then I come back...

/shrug.

I suspect you will find the PM helpful. It does normally take some time to ramp up and make changes to your body. However the mental changes to your mind and well being should arrive sooner. I would start at one tab first thing in the morning see how it makes you feel.

[aroundthebend]

Hello Dana, I've read this discussion with considerable interest since I find myself in similar circumstances. I too have been lurking here for a while and going back and forth with feminizing for years.

I've tried many of the same things you have including lots of hypnosis, some CD, etc. but in the end I would get frustrated with the fantasy element of it. I kept wanting something more, something real as in real alteration.

But then I would hit a wall and have a 'what the hell am I doing?' moment and quit feminization forever (hah!). I've noticed that lately these 'forever' intervals have been shorter and shorter.

One question that helped clarify things for me is the deserted island scenario as in: If you were alone on a deserted island would you alter your body and become more female? When put this way my answer is a clear 'hell yes I would!'. I would absolutely grow breasts, nice C cups too. My doubts and guilt about it has much more to do with society's expectations then my desires.

But even on the proverbial deserted island I wouldn't fully transition. I didn't take the gender test yet (the popups didn't work for me) but I'm sure I would fall somewhere in the middle. I'm very much a mix of male and female parts, but I've only come to fully realize this and accept it in the past few years.

NBE has been good for me so far. I'm just 6 weeks in so the changes haven't been so much that they're obvious to others but they're very noticeable to me. My goal is a modest B-cup along with lots of hair removal. I'd like to present as male but more androgynous. Hopefully that will give me peace and respite from the gender confusion I've felt for so long. Time will tell.

Hope this helps. Keep us updated please.

[kazooie]

Just read through this. I feel like a lot of what was said here definitely describes me and the idea that I'm into feminization as a fetish and not as a transgender person.

I've never actually gone through any real feminizing process, but I have memories dating back to early childhood where I would lay in bed, close my eyes and imagine my penis was turned into a vagina (and I even remember that it gave me an erection, though I had no idea what that was at the time since I was around 4).

I know this, I would be super happy if I could have a masculine upper body starting from above the waistline and a very feminine, curvy, soft and smooth body from the waistline down (with my penis in tact). Seems unlikely that I'll ever achieve that though

[Dana Mantra Eon]

Well. I've taken PM (2000 mg) and SP (approx. 2000 mg) for six days, and although I don't think that's long enough to start to really get into the chemical effects of them both, my core being has become so distraught at the endeavor that I'm stopping. I'm not ruling it out permanently, and may come back. Then again, I may not. I feel like a man inside, which is probably a good reason to not take these things. I thank you all so much for supporting me, sharing your stories, and overall, being a very understanding community.

Should anything change, I'll be in touch.

[rachel-rache]

I think you've made the right choice. I think any biological male who is considering making permanent changes to themselves through estrogen should read this article:

https://www.susans.org/wiki/Hormones:_Dr...me_Bomb%3F

[sfem]

I haven't visited Susan's in a long time. They became very antagonistic towards anyone not belonging to the binary gender model, and thus of less value than they appeared. I don't know if that is still the case, but that particular article, which I read, is firmly rooted in perpetuating and supporting the gender binary model. I have no use for things designed to make me feel bad or wrong or scared.

[rachel-rache]

I haven't visited Susan's in a long time. They became very antagonistic towards anyone not belonging to the binary gender model, and thus of less value than they appeared. I don't know if that is still the case, but that particular article, which I read, is firmly rooted in perpetuating and supporting the gender binary model. I have no use for things designed to make me feel bad or wrong or scared.

I don't think it's necessarily about feeling wrong, bad, or scared, but about making an educated choice. To do that we need to read and learn as much as we can. I'm not convinced there's any malice involved in the article so it shouldn't hurt for one to read and decide for themselves.