[Katie]

Where do I start!?

I`m nearly 50 and born "Male", happily married with 2 lovely kids
I`v been reading here for a few weeks now, and other places around the interwebs for a few weeks before that, I guess you can say when I found here I kinda decided to stay put.
I work from home and make my own silver jewelery all by hand fron silver granules and melt and roll my own wire and sheets, and form them into as a pretty a design as I can, my job is as masculine and Feminine at the same time as it can possibly get! LOL

I`v also taken that Hemmingway SAGE test and scored 670, and the gist was that my brain is predominatly female, and it thought I was a post op Female (this is not true however, the whole post op thingy).
I`v never taken any hormones before (knowingly) either.

to cut a seriously long story a bit shorter, my Wife also has Bi tendancies and has No problem with me being Katie!
Her SAGE score was 370 something, and that`s about right as she is for the most part the most Masculine of the 2 of us.

I`v always known something wasn`t quite "Right" with me, and had thoughts that made me feel great, that were not shared by anyone else that was a normal male or indeed society in general.
not Many of these thoughts, but enough to be noticable, combined with the fact of utter disbelief that I`v always felt every time I look in the mirror, like that is NOT ME, that`s NOT what I look like inside!
and as for spontainious erections as a teen, that was the total WORST period of my entire life

don`t get me wrong, I don`t mind having my male bits at all, we Both enjoy them, but back Then it was serious trauma!
I have no ambitions of full transformation and/or surgery, but I see that now most all my Male job is Done, and so I want to let Katie out and take over a bit (or even a Lot). I Owe her that.

I did some cross dressing in my early 20s (other than the wearing stuff as little kid at about 4 or 5) and really liked it, it didn`t seem a sexual thing per se, but I tried to rationalise it and even figured it may just be a case of Boy meets Girl, Boy loses Girl, Boy makes new Girl!
but that didn`t occur to me until After I got another girlfriend and the CD feelings stopped.

now some 20+ years later and of course 18 years married, these feelings are Back again with some Serious Intent!!!!!

I wish I could say I knew why, but the best I can I can say is that it mostly started when I had to Think about making pretty things that a woman would wear and Want to wear, then there was almost a tangible disscusion being had inside my head, and it felt great when "She" was around.
I bought her some shoes and clothes, and listened to her advice (that did not come from me) about how to repair my hands and nails (they were Disgusting before and had ZERO finger prints right up to the 3`rd joint on some fingers!), now they look Great (or at least Human again) and dare I say even a little bit feminine now with the longer nails and clear nail varnish.
but I digress...

cutting to the chase, I`v bought 4x 250mg x60 of the bovine ovary, and a bottle of 500mg PM x100 tabs, and awaiting their arrival any day now
the PM purchase was somewhat of an afterthought and inspired by You lot on here
I was going to go hell for leather and say frak the consequences and just go for the full bio conversion, but after reading I think I`ll try the PM first and see if I can get some more perspective on how I feel after a few weeks of that.
I already cry at the drop of hat, esp this time of year when I hear a lovely Christmas carol that I`v not heard since I was little, but really anything can be a trigger for me lately, since I acknowledged "her".
there`s more to tell obviously (isn`t there for ALL of us!?), but I`ll shut up for now because I feel like I`m rambling again.

and by the way, having read most from all of you, you may consider each and every one of you HUGGED with as much love as I can offer!
and yes I`m also a Christian and God doesn`t make mistakes!

[Katie]

Oh, and I must add that ALL of this is like Top Secret!
I can`t go to the Docs for "tests" or a councilor or anything like this at all, I`m not even sure that there`s anything to "Out" other than to my wife.
I`m a Seriously Shy person at the best of times, and stuff like that would just destroy me!

Honestly I can`t stress this enough! it all has to be on the hush hush.


and yes I`v just been in tears for the last few mins worrying about this (it doesn`t take much!)
and it`s not that I`m anything or anyone "Special" I`m not, I`m quite Nothing really living in a place that few know of and is also VERY Hostile to anything beyond the: Men are Men and the Women should be Grateful! attitude, you can get stabbed here if you`re not wearing the right shoes even!

(I may go into that later).

[WendyA]

Welcome and there is no shame in having some anxiety over expressing your feelings in public.

I do have one question what did you mean by this statement? "I was going to go hell for leather and say frak the consequences and just go for the full bio conversion"

[jannet.duff]

Welcome to the forum, it sounds like your going to fit right in. You story sounds almost like your talking about me ( and a few others here ). Like you, I am a shy ( and generally quite ) person, when I finally admitted to myself how I felt and how I wanted to move forward I figured Jannet would never get to leave the bedroom, never mind the house. However, 2+ years later I not only an out of the bedroom, but I also get to go out of the house once or twice a month. I suspect as time moves on and Katie get a more say your going to find the goal posts ( or walls ) you place in front of her to minimise exposure will begin to move, and your going to care less and less about what other people say and think, you will just want to be able to express your self as you feel. Good luck on your journey, it's going to be a fun ride.

[Katie]

Thanks each

Welcome and there is no shame in having some anxiety over expressing your feelings in public.

I do have one question what did you mean by this statement? "I was going to go hell for leather and say frak the consequences and just go for the full bio conversion"

Initially I thought of going high dose BO past the point of no return just to get it over with, the constant should I/shouldn`t I, indecision and battles in myself left me feeling to hell with it just take the stuff and deal with the consequences later.
A take action in haste and repent at leisure mentality (not really a good idea).

my First bottle of PM arrived today, 500mg ones, and when I opened the package my hands were trembling as if I couldn`t open the bottle fast enough, so I took my first one and feel a bit better now that I`v made a plan and can now do something about it.
it`s such a releif to be actually Doing something positive now!
I`ll take 1000mg a day, 500 morning and 500 night, and see what happens after a week or so, then up the dose to 1500 a day and stay there for a few months.
it`s the "Clarity" I`m after more that anything, and hopefully some peace, any breast increase would just be icing on the cake

[jannet.duff]

Your going to find the clarity and peace will come along fairly quickly, the breasts may take a little longer!!

[WendyA]

Initially I thought of going high dose BO past the point of no return just to get it over with, the constant should I/shouldn`t I, indecision and battles in myself left me feeling to hell with it just take the stuff and deal with the consequences later.

I understand now. Whether you use BO, E or PM there is no point of no return that kicks off an unstoppable full bio conversion.

it`s the "Clarity" I`m after more that anything, and hopefully some peace, any breast increase would just be icing on the cake

Best of luck to you.

[Happyme]

Welcome Katie!
Merry Christmas to lest I forget at the end of this post.
I'll be another to chime in that your story sounds like mine too.
I too wrestled with all this and bit the bullet in January.
I was getting a lot of joint pain through the summer so I quit everything I was taking and am at the end of a 3 month detox and will be starting back up with PM.
The advice I got was to take some SP about 15 minutes before your PM.
Happy growing
Bobbi

[jamiemason]

Welcome to the board Katie

You couldn't be among a more amazing group of people!!

[Katie]

Wow!

What an interesting 3 weeks it`s been, I feel like a totally different person now!
I`v only been taking 1500mg of PM and 500mg of BO (ordered another 9 bottles of 1000mg PM).

by about day 4 there was a Very distinct "calm" and by the middle of week 2 all the noise had stopped, my anxiety had all vanished, I could think one thought at a time for the 1`st time ever!
I also feel more "locked" now, like there`s no longer 2 sides to me anymore, no "thinking to each other" if that makes any sense?
I seem to have dropped all the macho bullsh!t that I was doing almost daily without even thinking, I`m also considering Others now (not that I was selfish, this is in the little things).
my male libido is almost zero but seems to have been replaced by something else that I lack the words for, in fact there`s been several feelings that I have no words for and really struggle to put it across to my wife, but after a bit she gets it
there`s far too many changes to list in all honesty, none of them bad in any way `cept maybe a little testicular discomfort and no morning "self test" function, Although it still does work in that dept albeit somewhat modified

My CD has altered too, not the frequency, but taste in clothes, from how shall we say... Sluty to something far more Lady Like, in fact I ttok full advatage of a few January sales and doubled the size of my wardrobe!
I`ll probably get rid of some of the more Ultra-Fem stuff now to make room for the nicer things (I`m sure there`s gotta be Charity shops around Soho LOL).

My constant daily drinking has almost vanished too, in fact I`v started to ween myself off of it entirely as the desire/need to drink has just gone???

all in all it`s just Great to be Me for the first time Ever!

I`d love to know what the hell was wrong with me that this stuff had such a dramatic effect and cure on though?

so Huge thanks to BN and it`s members, without this place I may Never have discovered PM and BO, and ultimately my Cure!

xxx