Hello again,
Just going to reply to everyone in general...
As of January 1, I was still thinking how to make the breasts grow. Wanted bigger, was fantasizing about how I could feminize the body. And the original equipment, though it's functional? Takes effort.
Then the cold came in, and then a payroll change occurred, and an overdue bill arrived, within about 3 days. And the girlfriend's daughter was having problems, too (her relationship with the boyfriend is done. It's a good thing, but it could've worked out better anyway.)
So, we've been slogging along with minimum $$$ (About $100 in cash) to get through until this Friday.... And she had a friend up this past weekend, so we had to do some entertaining.
Me, I'd like to dig a hole, and pull it in after me, sleep for about a month.
Happy pills aren't the solution, though. The risks and problems outweigh the benefits of attacking the root cause.
Limiting spending.
Finding a new girlfriend who respects me, treats me as more than the hired help.
Maybe finding a new job somewhere I can get some sunlight.
Without an intern who makes a chihuahua on speed look calm and collected. (My boss was bad enough, I can't deal with TWO like that.)
At this point, I've been doing TONS of research on how to burn off the weight, fast. It's really simple, IF - AND ONLY IF - you actually build the basics.
Same with finances. Easy to cut off the extravagances, and get some in the bank, then grow that into something else.
But if you refuse to save, a one week offset in pay turns into a two-week struggle. Especially since the credit cards are maxed out already....
In essence, the WRONG things are systematized. Auto Bill Pay with too much going out, you never check the balances. You end up robbing peter to pay paul, and then rob Mary to pay Peter, and so on....
And I keep complaining, but somehow it seems to be MY fault each time - hence the reason to just walk away there. The best chance I had just evaporated, there will be no bonuses this year because the market's down. So not paying off CCs and her medical bills. But not re-upping the lease, either. That's a solid decision. Right now, of course, I have to act like I care... Wonder why I'm off, right?
But I talked about this what, a year ago now? Same plans, different year. Not getting younger.
Besides that....
Well, I only took PM for a month. Doubt there was a change there.
No anti androgens; in fact, taking fish oil now, which can raise testosterone, per readings here. Yet not feeling dysphoric.
There are lots of reasons to NOT have breasts, just as there many reasons to continue.
I'm wondering, though.... Off the wall, in a sense, but it makes sense, too....
40 years old. About the time for menopause. Weird though is.... Since I keep finding reasons I should've been born female, from how I walked, talked, gestured, temperament, etc...
Maybe it's actually because I SHOULD be uncaring now? Meaning, a woman hits menopause, she doesn't stop being female, but there's a change in her mind and body. Maybe the "femme" switch is off because it would've turned off naturally?
And then, will it return? Dysphoria ALWAYS comes back, except... Maybe not? Which then means I'm still in the middle, in the bad sense, because I have some breasts, but look male. Not fond of a "man with boobs" look. Would much rather the woman with something extra. But my body is looking more and more masculine.
I'll drop the fish oil, though I don't think there's a correlation. I think I was taking 2400 mg/day for about two weeks now. But I'll check.
The timing makes sense, if I got it right. But then, there's the new intern, too, and the "stepdaughter" issues, and the run-in with her grandparents, and.... :-P
Seriously, couldn't the MOST COMPLEX thing in my life have been SIMPLE?
